you & me

I Am Weird And Lovable And Kind: Being Numb Is No Longer An Option.

I am no longer confined to a label of ordinary. I live with a heavy dose of worry and anxiety. My moods dip low and dark, and there are some hours I can skim the horizon and peacefully walk upside down with the clouds.

How incredibly liberating to finally see I am not a one-size-fits-all stagnate linear flow. I am a living-breathing-transfusion of fluidity and accepting all sides of me.

Poetry pours through the splitting holes and music runs through my hair. I chase the shadows scurrying and learn to silence the critical epilogue. Knowing, we are not an ending but living in a perpetual healing.

The epic courage it takes to fully embrace all of our story brings me to my knees of vulnerability. To bear witness of others doing the same, I bow at their outstanding sanctity.

And once we start this heroic journey, there is no turning back. When we have been seen for who we are, we begin to heal. When we can step away from the crippling self-doubt, comparison and relentless inner critical voices, we begin to live.

My words and thoughts, style and ability are different from yours. It’s what makes us human. I can’t be something I am not. I see and feel on a paranormal level and my pores speak in birdsong. I will be forever attached to nature. It is what has saved me from many harsh realities.

Lean into the variegated trill of song. Hug the hollow bones of your graceful wings. Soak and rinse in the soulful rain’s song. Wear a cape of chartreuse moss. Create an emerald privet.

Protect your crimson heart. Lay an altar with tokens of lapis, moonstone and stardust. Sprinkle twigs, leaves and pinecones; your heart knows these treasures well.

For centuries, I’ve fought with the label of societal abnormal-ness. What if I stopped chastising myself for thinking in prose-like form? So what if I speak out and share or defend the underdog? What if I free myself from the embedded shackles of eccentricity and decidedly said, fuck the mighty shit out normal? Our rough, tattered edges make us who we are.

“Fuck the mighty shit out of normal!”

Living fully is arduous. Facing and embracing our demons and angels is real. Yet, I know in the weary depths of my ancientness, it is worthy to excavate the shadows to find the truths.

Our layers keep revealing an endless depth of visceral restoration; my story overlaps into your story creating an embroidered fabric with such brilliancy, at times, I am left blinded because of its unpretentious beauty. I have to find silence to even slightly understand and appreciate the full prism of these colors and feelings.

I need solitude to create balance because I breathe feelings all the time.

I am stepping fully into being real. I can no longer digest lies, critical blaming and deep seated hatred.

As we surround our self with insightful intuitiveness of learning how to love and how to be real, we gain the trust to hold our true self. We take it further by mixing our lessons into new gifts. We begin to understand there’s more than one way to approach a person, a situation or issue.

It’s a panoramic view.

The spectrum of wisdom and empathetic understanding is infinite. This is why, as healers, teachers, counselors, shamans, sages and crones, we want to give back and support our sisters and brothers. It is because we can feel, without a doubt, the pain it takes to heal.

My fingertips and scapula burn with an intensity of a gilded sword as the words shift with an accelerated urgency to write, share and express what I’ve kept quiet because I was beaten down and rebuked of my wholeness.

Wrap your fingers in a union. Drink from your mug of self-care. Add tiny wisps of sage to send a smoke signal. Gather tissues to release your estuaries. Tears are often healing.

By stepping out, we inevitably create support by bearing witness to it all. It’s no long a monopoly of who is right or wrong. I will learn to befriend my fears and transform them into a loving powerfulness.

The gifts we carry from our current and generational stories are priceless, expansive and painful. Our shadows of shame, abuses, anxieties, rapes, violence, fears and worries join in with a reciprocity of joy, healing, love, feelings, peace and acceptance.

Being numb is no longer an option. I feel so much pain. It is branded into my heart.

By unearthing our treasures we are better able to share and connect. Even though we are changing the course of our tragedies and turning them into treasures, it is our very anguish that makes us into the jewels we are now. The juxtaposition of this concept, is astonishing and equally awe-inspiring.

Through it all, I keep learning. This edge we walk is what makes me and you and this world a meaningful place to keep living. There’s an immense relief when our intellect can create a union with our heart. It is in this precious space, all pretense fades, and we can finally see and believe who we are truly meant to be.


Carolyn Riker
Carolyn Riker, M.A., LMHC, is a counselor, teacher, writer and poet. She currently writes for several online journals such as Women’s Spiritual Poetry blog and formerly Elephant Journal. A collection of her work is on her blog, Magic of Stardust and Words. Her poetry and prose have been featured in three books. Between sips of coffee and navigating life via the stars and moon, Carolyn leads journal-writing workshops and has a private counseling practice. Additionally, she’s in the process of completing her first collection of poetry and prose, available in the fall of 2016. Followed with a bit of magic, there's a children’s book too.
Carolyn Riker
Carolyn Riker