Why The Male Orgasm Is Not As Simple As Everyone Tries To Tell You.
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Wherever you look, there is the common belief that female sexuality is like a mystical, secret garden, an art form, while male sexuality is like a simple algorithm.
Women require hours to orgasm (if they orgasm at all).
Men need a tight grip and 5-7 minutes of in and out.
Women need emotional safety for letting go.
Men need a tight grip and 5-7 minutes of in and out.
Women need to be treated like a goddess, with incense, foreplay and massage oil.
Men need a tight grip and 5-7 minutes of in and out.
You know what I’m getting at… there is an imbalance!
I’m asking: is there really?
Or might we be looking at male sexuality in the wrong way?
I think we are. When the media writes and talks about male sexuality, they are talking about a very superficial part of it.
Having approached sexuality open-mindedly for most of my adult life, and having experimented with various set-ups, techniques and traditions, I would say: there is much more to male sexuality than everyone talks about.
So what is everyone getting wrong? Multiple things.
There Is a huge sensitivity issue
One of the major problems I see in mainstream sex is that men are disconnected from the sensations in their penis.
Yep, exactly the same issue that many claim is the case for women and their vaginas.
The cause is a different one though: men have bad self-pleasure habits.
Way too many men suffer from one or another state of the death grip. And thereby they have lost precious sensitivity in their penis from masturbating too frequently with a too tight grip. The problem is all over the internet.
But most act when it’s already pretty late… read: when they can’t come from vaginal or oral stimulation anymore, but only from handjobs (preferably given by themselves, because their partner’s grip is too weak).
The second consequence of bad masturbation habits is too frequent ejaculation. As much as men hate to admit it, everyone knows it’s true.
Remember the times when you didn’t ejaculate for a week and then had sex? An entirely different experience!
Ejaculating less frequently is not an option for most, because in mainstream sex, ejaculation equals orgasm. And that’s a very limiting belief that we have to work on. More on this later in this article.
Stimulation happens mostly locally
Very connected to the lack of sensitivity down there, is the fact that male sexuality is often limited to happening down there.
Women need to warm up their entire body before they are ready for genital stimulation. Men are… born ready.
But what men need instead of foreplay is afterplay. Or duringplay. Basically, full body stimulation and sensations during or after high states of genital arousal.
A Tantra teacher first introduced me to this phenomenon, and I find it super interesting… If you want, it’s a reflection of the anatomical structure of the genitals: For women, it’s going from the outside to the inside. From full-body stimulation to local stimulation. For men, it’s going from the inside to the outside. From local stimulation to full-body stimulation.
That’s pretty magical!
And almost no men do this to themselves while masturbating. Nor do they ask their partners to do it.
Try it, it’s an incredibly easy win!
The impact of gender roles
After generally not being very sensitive, another reason for male sexuality being viewed as limited and simple is the impact of gender roles on our sexual behavior.
Most men enjoy being the penetrator, and take on the more dominant role that comes with this. A role that is, at least emotionally, very simple.
And there’s nothing wrong with that — I personally also enjoy it a lot, and practice it most of the time.
But that isn’t everything.
The entire emotionally vulnerable aspect of sexuality, that is very present in female orgasms as we know them, is also available to men. But almost every man is blocked from accessing it.
A man starting to cry while making love is unfortunately not something humanity seems to be ready for. But it’s beautiful. And only one facet of a high bandwidth of emotions that men tend to avoid.
Men are also able to surrender into the process of making love, but gender roles often still prevent them from doing so.
Ejaculation does not equal orgasm
Now comes what I think is the most important point of this article. And the previously made points compile beautifully into this one.
Everyone underestimates the complexity of male sexuality.
The main reason for the limited beliefs is that, in common knowledge, ejaculation equals orgasm.
This is… unbelievably sad. And unbelievably wrong.
Like women, men are capable of having different types of orgasms. Shallow orgasms, deep orgasms, peak orgasms, multiple orgasms, full body orgasms. And not all of them include ejaculation.
Limiting the male orgasm to the common ejaculation orgasm is like limiting the female orgasm to a clitoral orgasm.
It’s just… limited.
So why is this limiting belief out there?
Honestly, I have no idea. I’m actually quite flabbergasted by it. It’s not that no one is talking about it and teaching other ways.
There’s Mantak Chia with his best-selling book, The Multi-Orgasmic Man. There’s Barbara Kessling’s How to Make Love All Night: And Drive a Woman Wild!
There’s Tantra and Taoism, which have been teaching it for centuries.
There are many contemporary sex coaches helping people get there.
Let me tell you from my own experience that it’s not a walk in the park learning it. Because we have to deal with all the struggles mentioned within this very article.
I can’t go into the concrete how’s at this point. But check out the above-mentioned books or Tantra workshops in your town.
There’s so much more to it
Okay, let’s look back at what we now know:
- Most men suffer from low sensitivity in their penis due to non-beneficial masturbation habits.
- Men are stimulated locally. They don’t require foreplay per se, but rather full-body stimulation during high states of arousal.
- Most men can’t let go and show their vulnerability while making love due to gender roles and societal restrictions.
- The common belief is that the male orgasm is limited to the ejaculation orgasm
With these points in mind, it’s not surprising that male sexuality is generally seen as very primitive.
But imagine these three issues being resolved.
That would mean men actually feel sensations in their penis. Able to feel vaginal walls. The swollen G-Spot. The entrance of the cervix.
It would mean that men can spread orgasmic sensations throughout their entire body, instead of only experiencing them locally.
That would mean men can surrender and let go during making love. Instead of being limited to being a mechanical penetrator.
It would mean men are able to have multiple orgasms. Men could choose to ejaculate, or not to ejaculate. There is a huge variety of orgasms available to them.
Under those circumstances, would you still claim that the male orgasm is simple and mechanical?
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Jeremiah Barnes is a life coach and writer for Omooni. He is dedicated to unleash the potential of conscious sexuality as a part of the personal development journey. Inspired by living and studying in various Tantric environments in Asia over the last 10 years, Tantra in combination with modern science are the basis for most of his teachings and writings.
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