I Am a Freight Train on My Destiny’s Track.
Here’s the thing about me: I am a bull in a china shop. Unapologetically on a mission, wherever I go. However I go.
I’ve been action-driven and results-focused my whole life. Perhaps overcompensating for a past I didn’t choose and a victim’s scarlet letter that I refuse to recognize. Such a mindset has helped me focus my rare and beautiful Shakti energy so that I may move mountains.
My mantra in life and feminine love has never been to just shatter any arbitrary glass ceiling I was confronted with, but to obliterate it, so that none of my sisters would need to be subjected to those same limitations. I don’t care what uncomfortable truths others are forced to confront in the wake of my energetic motion.
I have orders from my loving Shiva to keep dancing, so I may share the love of our sacred divine grace. No patience for New Age idealism and altruism born of passive aggressive tunes. “Let’s cut through the bullshit!” I triumphantly declare to my conscious brethren, with my bleeding heart wide open, and my loving intention plastered like a tattoo on my forehead screaming for recognition.
As you can probably imagine, I am often compared to a freight train.
You will feel me before you ever see me coming. When I do arrive at my destination, it’s with such vibrational force that it will leave your bones aching and your third eye shaking. The fire in my gut burns so brightly that I seem to be in a state of perpetual motion.
I often wonder: Why does everyone else move so slowly? Do others not see what they are missing? The time they are using up in their inability to decisively act in shaping the fruits of their own reality instead of being disconnected and cross-legged in their naïve faith of manifestation? Do they not realize how they are wasting the precious gift of life by living as passengers instead of conductors of their own life?
I must inspire! I must cultivate change! Rebellion! Radical acceptance!
The more that I think about it, all the more I feel it is my duty to keep focused on my destiny’s track, instead of being a spectator on the sidelines watching me charge full steam ahead into the darkness.
My passion to help others, fueling my need to be recognized and appreciated for the indomitable force that I am, often moving at brazenly dangerous speeds which made it nearly impossible for anyone to journey with me on my impossible track.
I burn my incense. I have my prayer beads. My crystals. My smudging rituals. I am able to contort myself like a pretzel, thanks to a youthful Hatha Yoga agility. My certificates and accolades on my walls telling others I can talk a good game. I have a unified self and an accepting non-normative world view.
Hell yeah, I am enlightened. My passion fuels the ambitions of my higher self — not my ego. So all is right with the Universe. I do good for others. I see what needs to be seen. Feel what needs to be felt. Give what needs to be given. My crown chakra is wide fucking open, and I live my divine purpose. My Kali spirit dances proud at warrior circles, and eats the demons of others for breakfast.
I guard my inner peace like a pit bull, and protect that of others with the same adolescent wild abandon.
I see 11:11 everywhere. Divine signs and destined intuition that helps me choose to love you every day and to explore the boundaries of what that means unconditionally.
Damn right, my Kundalini has risen. Exploding, expanding and connecting to Source. Giving me my infinite energy, strength and passion. My virtuous benevolence and a right-handed path that is purposively sharpened and expertly disciplined without the need for initiation. I am a badass warrior goddess of divine light and energetic being.
My sword is always at the ready to fight the good fight. For those I care about. Those I love. Those who need my strength and wild notions of freedom.
Well, I am here to tell you I am an asshole. One who knows enough to know that she knows nothing.
You don’t have to scratch very deep to recognize that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. Freight trains are not equipped with the mechanisms to slow down or be patient on a dime. You have to throw them in reverse, and it takes miles of track and scorching metal to make that a reality if you are lucky.
Patience and stillness do not compute with the timetable and schedule associated with my divine mission!
After all is said and done, it took nothing more than a pebble on the track ahead to derail me at the breakneck speeds with which my force and purposive cargo were moving. A cognitive leg sweep by my Shiva, that has me on my ass, reveling in the attractiveness of my humility like a T-Rex trying to take a selfie.
While I survived the collision, my soul is not left unscathed, and my perception of my reality is changed forever. Believe you me, I took a sledgehammer to that track just to smite the pebble, before I was ready to look beyond the blind corners of my mirror’s heart to see the depths of the consequential metallic friction such frustrated aggression had resulted in.
Feeling the impact and velocity of that energetic collision back on itself was the greatest soul lesson I have ever experienced.
My inability to be still and find my own peace in practicing patience — even for the one I loved — had brought me to my knees. I realized how little I knew about mindfulness and the pure joy of simplicity in finding my own connected center.
In a way, I was so outwardly focused that I didn’t know how to respond to having to wait, trust and concede in my own divine plan. Decisions that were not mine to make, choices that weren’t mine to offer. Shadow lessons that may take a lifetime to learn as I cultivate my own sense of purposive self-love. To give myself permission to be still.
To not just be patient through waiting, but to cultivate a giving mindset where circumstances just don’t allow me to move forward at that exact moment I selfishly want it to.
Being mindful in those moments of stillness requires an acceptance that there is a broader worldview than the track you are on. There are others with their own missions, who have made a home scattered across the countryside of my track. And an entire universe of others living well beyond the horizon of my track.
There is a freedom in seeing others grow, expand and live with such agility around me in those moments. A quiet solace in letting in their motion, instead of always exerting my will upon others.
While I have only just begun to realize the serenity in such an open-minded view of life, love and divine connection, I am learning that a moment of calm presence is a beautiful gift. There is no ego, there are only truths found in these moments of quiet reflection. I am challenged to live as I want to be now, instead of where I want to be later.
Such cultivated patience requires you to accept willfully your awareness of self. To give space and hold it for those who need it, including yourself. To free your heart from the bondage of a past once lived and a future not yet written.
Waiting can be a slow and painful burn of anticipation. There is no doubt. But it can also be one of your greatest and most powerful weapons in learning to truly understand the limitless potential inherent within you. Waiting allows you to reconnect with your compass. To question the track that you are on. To take stock so that when you make a choice to continue on, it’s the right choice for you.
Instead of leaping at any chance to move forward, that ache guides you towards the divine purpose with even greater resonance and assurance.
Patience cultivates strength, rational decision-making, self-love, dexterity, and even liberation of self and those you connect with along your journey. To truly recognize that the only recognition that truly matters is one’s own. An action that can always be found in the present if you find happiness in that place between what was and what will be.
Patience is a place where you get to live and truly revel in the purposiveness that you have cultivated. To truly make that difference without expectation or in anticipation of something beyond your grasp.
Stillness is that place in between where you dream and where you’ve lived. A space held for a real lived human experience. Not just talking the talk, but living it. Truly letting yourself live every moment, instead of blindly travelling from one destination to the next.
V. Nicole Godin is a soulful creator of life and art, and a relentless seeker. A warrior goddess, philanthropist, empath and survivor, she is passionate about sharing meaningful conversations of the heart and soul through the timeless language of vulnerable truths. Those who know her well describe her as an inspired badass free spirit whose quest is to live authentically through the beautiful energy of those around her. When she isn’t riding motorcycles, meditating, mentoring or teaching, she is helping others find the strength to rise from within. You may contact Nikki via Instagram or Facebook.