Down The Rabbit Hole: A Letter to the Love That Changed Me.
Maybe we let it get too far. We fell down the rabbit hole. Neither of us wanted to leave.
But we had to.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I felt magic. I felt real, painful, messy, beautiful love.
It’s okay. I don’t blame you. I just wish sometimes that we’d met under different circumstances. But then we wouldn’t be a part of the Universe’s grand puzzle, and I believe that is what brought us together, for reasons that are not clear to us yet.
For now I just have to believe that you were there to teach me what I needed to learn before you moved on and found your place on the road to live your dream. I wanted to be a part of that journey. I wanted to live your dream with you.
But maybe in my quest to find happiness with you, I somehow lost my own dream. I forgot who I was and what I wanted. I became what I thought you wanted me to be. But it still came crashing down in flames because I wasn’t living in my own truth, and I see that now.
I did what I thought I should do to make us work, and even then it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough because I wasn’t whole and I could never be what you needed. I was so lost beyond recognition and without any idea of how to find my way back.
I don’t think I was ever meant to find my way back, so I guess I’ll go forward. Inch by inch, step by step, I have faith that I’m walking into the path of my own light, and I have to believe that is where I’m meant to be. At least for now.
So I venture into new uncharted territory. I’m not scared anymore. I just wish it was with you. I miss you more than words, and if I let it, the sadness of losing you consumes me and I feel like I’m not going to make it through the night.
But maybe deep down I know I can’t be with you. Because I lose myself with you. Our love is a force so powerful that it is bigger than you or me, and maybe we messed with magic that we couldn’t control.
I think we both lost ourselves. Maybe this is us coming back down to Earth with a cold, hard crash, and it’s going to take a little while for us to move past the rapture that we found together.
I felt deeper than I’ve ever felt before, and it was introduced to the profound ravines of my emotional body. I felt pure joy, and I felt heartbreak that caused me physical pain. They say it is all a part of the human experience, this vast spectrum of emotions that were gifted to us.
So I sit here and thank the powers that be for every single moment. I am grateful for everything I felt and continue to feel. I know that somehow that makes me human, and I know if I can feel so much for you, then my capacity for love can only grow.
This is the beginning of my journey, and of yours. I am glad I got to be a part of your story, and I believe you are glad to be a part of mine, for however long it was meant to last. Maybe this isn’t the end for us, and perhaps in another life, when it’s the right place and the right time, the Universe will find a place for us.
Maybe we’ll meet again soon. Maybe we’ll find our own paths. Maybe, just maybe, with a little hope, I’ll see your eyes light up again in a way that made me fall to my knees every time.
Until then, I wish you well with all sincerity. You are in my heart, forever and always.
Amy Walker is a writer, deep-thinker and all round lover of life from Scotland. Amy has grown up in the Middle East, and has spent the last three years in Bangalore, India, so she’s a little exotic, but she’s still a nerdy introvert with a big heart. Currently navigating a pretty crazy time of transformation and the whirlwind of Saturn’s Return, she is on her way to conquer the USA with her writing, big dreams and cheerful demeanor. Find Amy on Instagram at @thezindagiproject to find out more about her quest to fall in love with life.