Looking for Love? Look Inside: Falling Apart to Fall in Place.
Do you sometimes get a bit sad, yearning for a feeling of home, and thinking of this feeling as being tied to another person who still didn’t fucking show up in your life to complete you?
Are you craving love and approval, and would it make you feel better and way happier if you had a special someone in your life who would adore you, take care of you, and provide a safe and homely space for you? A space safe and comfortable enough for you to finally surrender and fall apart?
You know, the falling apart to fall into place thing?
Let me tell you, I totally feel you. I’ve been there.
I had love prospects who assured me that they were willing and able to handle all of me, which explicitly included my messy, furious and fragile bits. It sounded almost too good to be true. That’s because it was.
I got very resentful when I discovered that they weren’t able to handle me at all.
So instead of me finally being given permission to stop holding my breath, waiting, seeking, there was a lot of disappointment and frustration.
My drama could not be lived out with anyone. I didn’t get to fall apart in a safe space, although I had an inkling that this was most vital for my evolution. I had contained myself for so long. I had been clenching my teeth, fighting and enduring my way through life. My shield and armor had gotten so heavy.
There was this desire to finally be loved in my hurt and tender spots too.
My fear and a ton of unprocessed anger and grief were standing in the way though.
Anger at all the terrible, humiliating, unfair and insulting things that I had experienced. Grief because I had not been stronger so I had to go through all of it, and also because there had not been someone strong by my side to protect me.
It felt like all this stuck emotional tension was slowly killing me.
So I was seeking for a secure outlet. I wanted to have someone give me enough love to feel safe. I was wishing for someone with the strength and capacity to hold me. A someone so humble and selfless, they’d witness my outbursts and breakdowns, weather my storms, and as a bonus, they’d clean up the mess and wash my face afterwards.
I desired ultimate care and unconditional love, something I hadn’t received as a child.
So what I did was basically walking around, looking for a parent.
Needless to say that I got massively disappointed, because those who wanted to be with me wanted to be with my adult self, they didn’t want to parent my inner child.
It took several attempts, all failing of course, until I learned that what I was yearning for wasn’t something anyone other than myself could give me.
Parenting my inner child is my job. Nourishing my soul is my job. Loving me? My job.
Processing pain and hurt, and going through phases of anger, grief, and falling apart? My job to hold my hand, soothe my heart, and to clean up afterwards. Literally and figuratively.
So what I had to realize was that coming from a place of neediness and a perception of lack, those things won’t get fixed by some kind of knight in shining armor. They’d get amplified instead and mirrored back to me. In the best case.
In the worst case, this leads into co-dependency, either emotional, or material, or spiritual, or a bit of everything.
Once I got that (and since my independence is sacred to me) I started to figure out ways to meet my needs myself, to make me happy, to facilitate my evolution, to alchemize the painful stuff, little by little.
I started to accept who I was and where I was. I made peace with myself.Well, let’s say it’s a process, and I’ve been making lots of progress.
I even approved of the crazy, odd and freaky bits of me.
One big milestone was when I realized that I hadn’t heard of my inner critic (that nagging, negative voice that’s super-judgy and does hardly ever shut up) in days.
So, since it took me quite a while and I had to learn this the hard way, nowadays when I hear people complain about how they crave to be with someone who gives them approval and love, and who makes them feel complete and happy, on one hand I cringe, on the other hand I have compassion. I get it, I understand this desire.
But I know that the only way to sustain happiness is to make your own.
It is highly unfair, very immature and selfish to expect of someone else to meet your needs and desires. Probably by never asking too much and intuitively reading your mind (because that makes things just so much easier).
In addition, you’d probably expect of them to simultaneously take care of their own needs too (one-sided co-dependence, quite fucked up). Or you might be okay with exchanging care, love and favors (which is two-sided co-dependence, and all kinds of fucked up).
So please do yourself and your environment a favor, put on your grown-up pants and investigate:
What are your basic needs and how can you take care of yourself?
How can you nourish your body? How much sleep, food, movement, wellness makes you feel at your best?
How can you nourish your mind? Maybe learning new things, reading inspiring books, joining a group of kindred folk? Going on a retreat? Hiring a coach or therapist to get unstuck and release old beliefs and patterns that keep getting in the way of feeling alive and authentic?
How can you nourish your soul? How would you like to express yourself creatively? Singing? Dancing? Writing poetry or fiction, or recipes or blog posts?
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Do more crazy and funny stuff. Write yourself love notes. Create space for processing your thoughts and emotions, including the big ones like anger and grief. Wrap your arms around you, and hold and rock yourself. Draw a bath. Listen to music you like. Be there for you, have your back. Gently dry your tears. Connect with nature. Pray. Meditate. Laugh. Cry. Be silent.
Start using your voice to share what moves you, what really matters to you.
This, my love, is not about waiting for someone to take you in and give you a place in their life.
That doesn’t sound fulfilling anyway.
This is about you fucking living your life. Discovering what feeds you, what excites you. What inspires and what challenges you. Finding how much closeness and how much space you need, how much action and how much rest.
Making your own damn sunshine.
You don’t need being saved or rescued. You’re whole and complete all by yourself already, baby!
You’re the fucking Universe squeezed into a human body!
Ever pictured the Universe questioning its brilliance, wholeness, genius, and perfection?
Drop into your heart — there you will find all the love and nourishment you’ve been seeking elsewhere.
Lina Boldt is a coach and writer. She has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website or Facebook, where she also hosts a ‘Disobey with grace’ group.