An Open Letter to the Boy Who Broke Me.
{source}
For Now
Day 1: You left.
Day 4: I keep saying, “Maybe I really am okay, or maybe it just hasn’t settled yet,” but it’s 3 am and I’m lying here wishing the pain would consume me. For one day, one moment, one breath, in which I could live without the mere thought of losing you.
Day 5: Tonight, I found out the truth behind the breakup. I’m hurt, but I understand.
Day 10: You reached out. I wasn’t expecting your name to show up on the screen, even though I pathetically check it every five minutes in the hope that you do. You called to tell me there was someone else. In that moment, I hated you so much that all my energy was absorbed and my entire body went cold. I’ve never been so mad. And yet, I awoke the next day still missing you. I’m still the girl who posts photos to public boards, with the intention of you being my only audience.
Day 12: It’s almost been two weeks without my best friend. Not a single day, single hour, or a single minute has gone by in which I haven’t thought about you. But I’m getting better each day. We both deserve to move on the right way. If we tell ourselves we hate one other, we’ll only move on because we think there is no going back. I don’t want to wonder what if every time I look at you. I’m writing this letter to tell you everything I wish I would’ve said.
For Later
I believe the boy I fell in love with is somewhere in you. We still have things that we need to work on; everyone does. I don’t know who you are right now or why you’ve become this, but I can’t change you into the person that I want. You should make that decision for yourself. We both need time to get our youth out of our systems and figure out who we are without each other.
Maybe someday we can look each other in the eye and see if anything has changed. And if in the time that we spend apart, we realize we really don’t want each other, or fall in love with someone new, then so be it.
Right now, amidst the tension, anger, and heartbreak, I believe maybe someday there might be another chance for us. Perhaps as friends, or more. I’m choosing to let it go because it’s a waste of energy to try hating you. What if something happened, and we never had the chance to say what we really felt? Silencing the voice inside of you will be the thing that kills you.
I know you never meant to hurt me, and it’s not fair for me to turn my back on someone who doesn’t know how to ask for help. It would be too selfish of me to only focus on my problems. It was wrong of me to jump at the first chance I got to avoid mine and expose yours.
It might take months, even years, but maybe someday we’ll end up in the same place and live the lives that we’ve always wanted. I’m still rooting for us, because you are everything that my heart wants. Maybe it was the highest of the highs that kept us from drowning in the downs. But I wouldn’t want a relationship that’s too good to be true, I just need compromise.
I want us both to try moving on. Explore individuality, curiosity, and everything that we held each other back from. I got so good at loving you that I forgot to learn how to love myself too. You’ll always be in the back of my mind because you were my first real love, my first everything. I look for connections to you in everything I do. I honestly believe that you are my right person, wrong time.
For You
The Bad: We were the Leo and the Gemini, fire and air. Destined to be what I thought was power and passion, but got burnt by the flame. I suppose we were bound to explode. What you did will never be okay. But somehow, I always find a way to forgive you. Part of me feels like my everything will never be good enough for you. You made me a dreamer, and now I’m afraid to sleep. I was blindsided by your decision. But I finally had the honesty that I always wanted from you. I loved you like you were what made the sun rise, but now I live in darkness.
The Good: When you’re ready to love again, don’t be afraid to jump in with two feet and no armor. You shouldn’t need to protect yourself from the person you love. Find someone who will sing and dance with you in the car, and steals short glimpses of you when you’re not looking. Find someone who supports every decision you make, even if she’s not a part of them. I hope you settle down with someone who wants the same things as you. And when you find her, please don’t go looking for something better. Because the perfect girl doesn’t exist. And if she does, she won’t love you for real. It only took three weeks for you to tell me you loved me, but this time, take it slow. Make sure you never find yourself lying awake at night wishing you would have done more. The chance is yours, you just need to be brave enough to take it. Happiness and regret don’t go hand in hand.
Thank You
Thank you for all the memories. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it I didn’t have you in my life. You made me strong, hopeful, and happy. I want nothing but the best for you, because despite everything that has happened, you deserve it. Thank you for teaching me how to love, where to set my boundaries, and how to take risks.
I’m Sorry
I’m sorry for all the times I went off on you, and let you down. Best friends are supposed to have each other’s backs, and I know sometimes I wasn’t there. I’m sorry for all the pointless fights and making you feel unwanted. I’m sorry you felt like you had to find love and affection elsewhere. I’m sorry for all the times I couldn’t make you happy when you were feeling down, and I’m sorry for forcing my aspirations on you. I know you weren’t ready for them. I’m sorry for not cherishing our time together more and appreciating every little thing that you did for me. Lastly, I’m sorry for how things have become between us. I play a role in every issue that arose, and although I don’t admit it enough, I wish I could take it all back. When I said, “Forever and always, no matter what,” I meant it.
You will always be a part of my life.
I miss you, and I love you.
***
Samantha Hirsch is a first-year English major who began writing non-fiction at Mount Royal University. She has found love in sharing her personal endeavors, and hopes to reach out to those in similar situations. Samantha aspires to one day change lives in the field of Education, and believes that life is meant to be lived one day at a time.
***
{Join us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Pinterest}
Comments
Latest posts by Rebelle Society (see all)
- Cemetery of Tears. - April 23, 2024
- My Identity Journey: What’s in a Name? - April 23, 2024
- Cyprus: A Magic Place That Feels Like Home. - April 23, 2024