I Want You to See Me as Attractive.
I want you to see me as attractive. That is what my ego says. I want to be approved of by you, especially if you are a man.
I’ve been told that in order to be valuable as a woman, I need to be desired, and over the past five days, I’ve gotten to experience the places where I feel the exact opposite.
I’ve found myself in comparison with other women’s beauty. I’ve found myself reverting to old patterns of using food to silence a mind that is spinning with the fear that I am not enough, that I am not worthy.
It’s amazing that I devote my life to this work of worthiness, of releasing shame, of embracing my sovereignty, and yet continue to have these moments where I connect with a very old, and simultaneously very young, part of myself that wants nothing more than her father’s love, and is afraid she did something wrong that makes her undeserving of it.
It is deep. And humbling. And perhaps I should be grateful — gratitude and humility are what I’m exploring right now. I am about to leave for the Big Island of Hawaii again, and what I know from my last experience on the island is that it was a time for my soul to heal.
It was a time for me to turn inwards, and face the parts of myself I’d been putting on hold, telling myself the story there wasn’t time, space, or ability to prioritize the little girl inside of me who just wants to be loved.
And yet I notice my ego and pride doing what they do. Telling me how embarrassing it is to be witnessed in this place of uncertainty and insecurity. “But if anyone sees you here, you will lose power. But if anyone sees you here, there is no way you can be lovable or attractive.”
They’re good. They’ve kept me in line, and in avoidance of the fears that can run the show of my relationships and reality if I allow them to. And I have, though it seems like now is the time for the healing I’ve been yearning for.
To stop seeking the approval and validation of men as confirmation of my worthiness and beauty. To stop comparing my value with those that exist outside of me. I can feel the weight and gravity in my heart pulling down into my stomach as I write this.
Yes, this is the spot. This is the spot to go into, and trust the alchemical crucible of my soul to hold me through the process of remembering my worthiness, and loving myself in the place where I’ve previously rejected or shamed my self-named inferiority.
I am willing to go in here, and it is uncomfortable. Though perhaps, in letting go of the fear of what other people will think, the discomfort will transform into a warm blanket of love and self-approval. That is the sense I’m getting, and being the explorer that I am, here I go.
Blessed are those who willingly wade into the depths of their own darkness, for only then can they trust in the genuine nature of their light.
Willing heart, tender soul, here I go again. I love you.
Arielle Brown is a coach and facilitator with a focus on embodied intelligence and transparent communication skills. She offers comprehensive experiential learning through immersive private coaching, online courses, and workshops/retreats focused on intimacy and emergent leadership. Her work with individuals, couples, and organizations helps to disrupt the patterns and belief systems that block the actualization of greater visions and desires. You can learn more about her work at her website.