Spiritual White Women Hit Hard by Allegations. {satire}


The year 2020 has been a hard year for everyone.

Particularly hard hit are spiritual white women (SWW) who, among other challenges, have been deflecting increased allegations of covert racism.

A survey of one thousand SWW’s has revealed that nearly 90% have been called out for upholding some kind of nonsense this year alone. Many still profit from their outlandish behavior.

Kissanthra Wolf, a yoga and Bollywood-dance fusion instructor, says it’s been unsettling to be called out by sisters of color who have repeatedly tagged her on social media for cultural appropriation and general narcissism.

Definitely, it’s been harder to relax lately,” she said. “I’m noticing a lot more tension in my shoulders and an increased desire to eat bagels.” She went on to say that her naturopath confirmed that she has a sensitivity to gluten. “I don’t have celiac,” she clarified, “but it can still be dangerous. I’ve definitely been bloating more due to these baseless accusations.

My first boyfriend’s grandmother was Pakistani. She showed me Bollywood dancing, so I know I’m not appropriating.” She also emphasized that she is mostly vegan and eats meat only when she needs grounding.

Shanti Uma Devi, an Intuitive Energy Worker, Manifester Mentor and Multidimensional Transmutational Stalker rejects the accusations outright. Shanti carries deep knowledge that the causal illusion is polarity and invites all offended individuals to examine their own victim consciousness.

For the rest of the year, she has made herself available for a free introductory coaching call and offers ongoing support on a sliding scale: $111 or $222 or $333 per session, depending on her client’s financial expansiveness.

When it’s pointed out that many black women have legitimate fears that their sons will get shot by policemen, and also make 61 cents to the dollar compared to white men, Shanti tears up. “I hold nothing but compassion. Limiting belief systems are so powerful.”

Love Amber Jade, a Sovereign Priestess, Yoni Astrologer, 5D Initiator and the coach and creator of the Jade Method, future author of the future book, Messages from a Messenger, and CEO of Source Consciousness Enterprises, said she spent two full days deleting comments where dozens of BIPOC men and women pointed out many problematic uses of African and First Nations symbolism in her marketing.

“They totally misunderstood my intent,” Love said, “It actually feels like the witch hunt all over again.” Love has vivid memories of being burned at the stake in Salem and also has past-life memories of being a First Nation medicine man.

“I just wish we could move past all this anger and come together in unity consciousness,” she added tearfully, “my prime directive is to hold space in 5D consciousness and transcend the contracted 3D world of politics.”

Shakaya Parvati is a white woman who has been leading spiritual retreats since 2004 with her company, 11:11: The Wide-Awake Woman. She has taken her followers all over the world. This year, after the brutal murder of George Floyd, she’s decided to shake things up.

“It’s been a wake-up call,” said Parvati, wiping tears from her eyes. “I always say, to bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try.” Not realizing she was quoting Rosa Parks, the black civil rights activist, Parvati continued, “I’ve heard the call and am committed to using my privilege for good.”

Parvati is planning a post-pandemic luxury retreat for other white women to do the work. “We are working with The Thatoway Retreat Centre on a program to unravel racism.”

Formally known as The Thisoway Plantation House, it is one of the largest colonial plantation houses in the southern states. This 68,000-square-foot sugarcane plantation home spreads out over 7,900 acres. The original owner of the property also owned one hundred and eighty five African American slaves.

“It’ll be very impactful to be in a place where slaves actually slaved. We need to be hit over the head with our history to really understand it,” Parvati said.

The seven-day all-inclusive retreat will cost $5500 US, not including travel. Every woman will have her own bathroom, mini-kitchen and king-sized bed with 1000-thread count cotton sheets. All meals and activities are included, included daily massage, yoga sessions and a discussion of the book White Fragility, written by Robin DiAngelo, a white diversity trainer from Seattle, Washington.

“We’re making progress,” said Parvati, “and I’m proud to be taking the lead.”


Constance White is a writer who doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, but she is trying to get to the bottom of it.


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