Set your inner rebel free.
Photo courtesy of Aaron Cyruss Dorr.
By Sharon Castillo.
On the tenth night of October of 2006, I laid on my apartment floor feeling how the carpet hairs made my skin tingle as they danced a passionate tango with the goose bumps that rose across my arms, legs, and the back of my neck.
I stared at the ceiling fan and watched it spin as one would if the concept of time had suddenly become extinct and eternity was being felt and experienced directly for the very first time. A perceptive shift was reconfiguring my entire reality and I could feel it happening. I felt the liberation, the shock, the emptiness, and then, the healing.
It was quiet. Very quiet. Inside, not a single thought was occurring. This freed up a lot of space for my senses to explore and be immersed in a constant state of curiosity and wonder. No assumptions were made. No hesitations. No concepts. No boundaries.
The full direct experience of this reality in full flared awareness was so overwhelming, I could not move. I could only lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan, and you know what? It was fucking amazing. Nothing could stop the joy from bursting out of me, nothing.
I want to help you relate by saying it was as if my life and my death were happening all at once so you could try to imagine that and say you could feel what I felt, but the thing is, I couldn’t feel myself dying.
In concept, we create a story, in story we create separation, and in separation we create death. Without concept, every cell was a battery that was constantly being recharged without effort, in eternity, it simply happened. All was taken care of.
Without thought interference the body was functioning perfectly, and so the experience of laying flat on the floor, in full senses, was an absolutely fascinating experience. It was as if the ceiling fan was capable of telling the story of its consciousness, and I could listen to it.
My eyes began to look around. The high ceilings reflected different tones of white, cream, beige, gray, and yellow. It seemed more of a patchy fog rather than a flat solid wall of white. I could not see solidity in the ceiling.
As the colorful patches of ceiling floated above me, it was as if I could see smaller and smaller particles the longer I stared. I did not want to close my eyes. Without effort, my eyes stayed open, my breath paced steadily, while my brain fired up the entire experience. I looked for corners and only saw a foggy gray expanse.
I turned my head to the side and observed the texture of the carpet. As I observed every carpet hair, shinning and reflecting the light above me, the cool air from the vent above fell steadily on my skin.
I stared into the distance, then stared up close, and a black opening, with matrix-like feel to it began to appear, as this purple electricity arising out of it expanded as I focused.
I could see through the projection of subject/object, but what is this behind it?
My body engulfs in an overwhelming load of excitement and intrigue, like a character from a video game suddenly becoming aware of being only a figment of light emanating from a television set. What a majestic realization considering the physical limitations of the entity.
What the hell do I do now? I look around. I take it in.
My roommate comes into the apartment. I hear the front door open and close, her footsteps cross the apartment, her door shuts, and I am in awe at the experience without concept present. Nothing is internally said. No labels. No doors, person, or person’s name, or the relationship to that person. No feet. Just sounds. Had I been in the room it would have been sights without names or labels as well, but this offered me the opportunity to experience sound without visual concepts to interfere or define.
In awe, I went to the computer and picked out a song I normally hated, and listened. No judgment occurred. Just sound. Amazing sound. A unique symphony of the pulses of existence, expressed for a moment, vibrations of arising, expanding and going along their way.
I was 21. This is how my adulthood began.
After some time, when the thoughts returned, the question that begged an answer above all was: Would it make any difference?
Would I be able to fall in love? What was love to me now? Would I go off to some obscure sacred land, or spend some time in a monastery? Would I write a book? Could I write at all? Should I talk about it? Could I talk about it?
Seven years later I can tell you, yes, it makes a world of a difference.
It has taken some time to adjust but, yes, it’s worth it. I can fall in love deeply, without reservation, and let go, when its time to go.
I can enjoy a landscape whether local or on vacation and enjoy nature’s magnificence with the wonder and innocence of a child. I’m finally writing, as my heart much more easily finds the words that create a flexible conceptualization of that subtle inner state I’m pointing to that is inside of all of us, begging to be found.
These evolutionary shifts are an integral part of our growth, and much more natural to follow than the previous systems, for many had such rigid structures it became difficult to integrate growth dynamics and change.
Movement is life. We are fluid beings that are built to get up and try again until we get it right. We are beings of process not perfection. These experiences of the subtle states are an initiation, a glimpse of the eternal, that give us what we need to begin to release ourselves from the shackles of self imposed limitation, fears, and death.
Although it was not the back door or the secret exit to the next vortex, working hard to purge my inner self of old paradigms and thought processes has made this reality a new beginning. I see the same life with different eyes, and through this new lens. my reality is transformed into pure magic.
The full flared awareness of my evolution is a roller coaster ride where I am now a conscious co-creator rather than a mere passenger. I take responsibility for what I create. I find passion in my maturing social awareness, where I realize we are all interconnected, and we are all creating our microcosm in this majestic macrocosm, pulsing out with the rest of what is out there.
I vow to pulse truth, love, and freedom with all my might. I vow to be a guardian of our innocence, our curiosity, and sense of wonder. I promise to remind the world of the purity of our consciousness and that we are here to play. And life now manifests the perfect scenario to do that every day.
So, in end, if you ever wonder if it’s worth being willing, I am here to tell you, I would have it not other way.
*****
Sharon Castillo is a passionate adventurer, freedom fighter and imagination advocate. She loves to laugh and spend her days converting her lawn into an edible and medicinal forest, while her two beautiful daughters chase butterflies and enjoy the sun. She is passionate about strengthening community and faithfully believes in the power of the individual. She is the biggest kid at her Homeschoolers Enrichment Academy, and plays hard to transform the future of education in America. She also writes a blog about her Transcendental journey, where she shares her deep philosophical breakthroughs and hopes you read them over freshly brewed tea or homemade kombucha. In her Co-creative adventure with the universe, she hopes to inspire others to search within until wings or a cape appear and the super hero self can no longer be denied. And last but not least, she begs everyone to have and ride a bike.
*****
{Be willing}
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