My Evolutionary War: The Art Of Balancing Fortune And Failure.
{source: kariday.com}
The conqueror’s journey does not begin with power being given away for free.
The conquistador must go to the depths of the endless end. The hero must vanquish an incorrigible beast and return with its head as memento of undeniable courage. Only then can he return to the world and fully appreciate the fruits of his labor.
A journey woman must die a death that will be a story that lives on for ages.
A story of dragons and princesses, of lovers and liars, war, peace and change. The warrior steps into the darkness on a leap of faith and accepts what some never see, what most could never mention, much less be heard, as she acquiesces to the unfathomable enormity of her journey.
She allows the void to swallow her whole and spit her out on the other side of a reality she never knew existed. Then and only then, does her inner power return with a blazing aura of transcendent triumph that says, “Don’t touch me unless you are certain you would survive the intensity.”
How many times have we all been on such quests and not have even known it?
All this time I have been beating myself up, jogging on the loop of my anxiety, replaying decisions that could have been remade only to realize that my difficulties have been the ultimate gift of acquiring courage.
I used to walk around with a downloaded program of beliefs befit with naïvete that allowed me to hide my true nature. I trusted – sight unseen – other people’s control over me. The responsibility for courage was not my own but it was in the hands of people who knew nothing of what it was like to be me.
But now I see that the tribal sky gods are just a reflection of me.
My courage is in the power of life’s lessons I don as the clothing of my soul. I have taken joy in the task of seeing the deplorably manipulative tango of the decadent ego between those that feigned my best interests and myself. I have looked my fragmented and inactive cowardice square in the eyes and have delivered a resounding “Fuck you! You can’t stay here any longer,” as I welcomed change that could only be guaranteed as uncertainty with purposeful joy.
Yes, I let the fates of the world and all of its beautiful unfairness guide me to my pedestal where I reside as the fair queen of my life. No, I will not ever again abdicate this priceless reign to make people in full view of my greatness more comfortable with a watered down version of a me they can handle.
It is too costly a price to sell one’s soul to feed other’s insecurities. They will only be hungry for more.
In life I have been Medusa and Perseus, Christ and Judas. I have had to lose nearly everything I hold dear during my Evolutionary War and would dance to the front lines to do it again. Without question, I would descend into mania, starved by reality and engorged with delusions if it meant I could trade in the chintzy rhinestone grade confidence I once had to the stellar, multi-faceted, rare, jewel of self-awareness that I traveled by the speed of light to attain while being digested by my darkness until I could no longer stand the pressure.
And as I contemplate this truth that is mine for the taking, I see my regrets set sail for the shores of betterment.
Courage is in waking to the wreckage of a life well-spent in perfect balance of fortune and failure and strutting to your sexy life rhythms. Courage means that one seeks not to compare myself against the variables of the human prototype but against fragile, unliberated previous incarnations of self while marveling at the here and now.
I do not do myself the dishonor of false modesty or denial of acclaim any longer. I proclaim my power and use my fear as the fuel to burn down the town of false confidence, letting the worry about what other people think become decimated from the heat of my authentic self.
*****
Anjana Love Dixon is a Spiritual Thought Leader, Interfaith Minister, Psychologist, and holds a doctorate in divinity. In 2012 Anjana launched The Anjana Network, the home base of her wisdom writings. It is from this place that she delivers deeply personal reflections of her journey to wholeness, inspires change, and provokes thought. Through sharing influential insights through interviews, articles, and her unique connection to the world, Anjana has become an internationally renowned wisdom writer and cited spiritual thought leader with contributions to major online publications including Rebelle Society, Elephant Journal, Match.com, and HuffPost Live. Anjana is a member of The Beautiful Writer’s Group with Danielle LaPorte and Linda Sivertsen and is currently preparing for the launch of her second book, Start in The Dark: Soul Work for Opening the Heart and Creating a (Real) Life.
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