Black Hole To Black Whole: Coming To Terms With My Fear Of Loss.
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I am basically afraid of everything and therefore, I am a daredevil.
I experienced a copious amount of loss in my life starting at a very young age. My tender eyes saw death’s tenuous grip before it could ever be explained to me, not that it would have ever been.
My hands were drenched in the fluids of my mother’s broken body, while my mind was further tortured by the twisted funhouse world of my grandmother’s creation. I was in the center of toxicity without a hazmat suit.
When the time to grieve came in what seemed to be an instant, I was forced to swallow it whole without being allowed to feel it or honor it, lest I be punished and savagely attacked physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually for showing any sign of weakness.
The string of friends and lovers that donned the costume of my forefathers’ and foremothers’ teachings of “godly discipline” with the back of the hand and bite to the breast came in a whirlwind of smoke and mirrors, enabling me to hold on to the illusion that life was hard and not worth living because in the end, you only end up “in a pine box,” as my grandmother so eloquently slithered between her lifeless lips.
I belonged to a family of the walking dead. I had to steel myself and play dead in order to be “loved” and accepted by them. Those that were supposed to nurture me set me up to fail with their heartless neglect and ravenous greed for control over a fresh-faced, free-spirited girl from another world.
I was filled with life and they wanted to kill it.
They would not stop bludgeoning me until I surrendered to a life of mediocrity flavored with the same brand of abuse that I had grown accustomed to in my precious formative years.
The dark airless chasm that sweet-talked me until I acquiesced became my soul mate and was emptier than death could ever be. The continuance of my existence ceased as I remained animated. Being taught to be more like Christ, this was as close to the resurrection that I would ever be.
I was entombed with all my most important aspects of unique expression already absorbed into the vacuous darkness. I wanted out. I struggled to find the light. I wanted a hand to pull me out of the pit so I could jump right back in deeper than before.
When I stopped and listened to the sound of utter silence instead of fearing the loss of my comfort zone, a conversation began.
The black hole within me became my teacher. The magnetic force of it was a force of transcendence. It digested my inner nebulae, exploded my sun, and sent my planets out of orbit until all of it became one with the void. The crushing pressure of rebirthing my universe was outwardly apparent in my distended aura. It was in the scent of my sweat.
I feared the fear that was meant to be fearful but for no apparent reason other than to imprison my joy. I was programed. I was contained and I let the black hole within me devour the old concepts of me down to my future ashes. It was in that space of oneness that my black hole became a black whole and I was restored. I surrendered.
I still surrender making love with the consort of my darkness with every fragile step I take. I love every minute of having the permission I have given myself to feel real feelings.
Now that I have my life exactly where I want it, the deepest rooted fears that have hooked themselves into thought processes and hidden behind body systems are attracted to the pinholes of light of my soul seen from inside my personal Pandora’s Box.
Let there be light, let there be light, let there be light even if it hurts. Relief is here and now. The other shoe cannot drop — I dance barefoot in the fucking rain.
I once again have become a universe maker with the stars and comets as my hair, my mouth designing my celestial path, my eyelashes dream catchers. I do not pray to bargain, I thank my celestial gods as my peers and my friends, and damn my concepts of inadequacy along with a life that is light years in the past.
Travel at warp speed and stand next to me. Let’s create a fearless, phenomenon together in the kingdom of the gods.
*****
Anjana Love Dixon is a Spiritual Thought Leader, Interfaith Minister, Psychologist, and holds a doctorate in divinity. In 2012 Anjana launched The Anjana Network, the home base of her wisdom writings. It is from this place that she delivers deeply personal reflections of her journey to wholeness, inspires change, and provokes thought. Through sharing influential insights through interviews, articles, and her unique connection to the world, Anjana has become an internationally renowned wisdom writer and cited spiritual thought leader with contributions to major online publications including Rebelle Society, Elephant Journal, Match.com, and HuffPost Live. Anjana is a member of The Beautiful Writer’s Group with Danielle LaPorte and Linda Sivertsen and is currently preparing for the launch of her second book, Start in The Dark: Soul Work for Opening the Heart and Creating a (Real) Life.
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