The uncertainty of something sudden and unexpected.
{Photo: Catelyn Neilson}
By Catelyn Neilson.
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
I recently started volunteering on a horse retirement farm.
Having never spent time around horses, this has been an incredibly wonderful — and sometimes frightening — experience. Something about the unpredictability of standing next to a creature who weighs over 1000 pounds forces presence and courage.
The uncertainty of knowing that something sudden and unexpected can knock you to the ground in a heartbeat, instills fear as well as awe.
But there is also an amazing sense of peace that comes when you look into the soulful eyes of an animal you know has been broken at the hands of another human, but who allows your touch, and offers its love anyway.
Sometimes, however, this is not what happens. Not long ago, with a heavy heart, I watched my friend, the woman who runs the farm, struggle with a difficult decision about one of the horses.
Sadly, this mare had been a resident once before, and had been healed from a previous abuse, only to be adopted away and broken again at the hands of other abusive owners. Now she was home but her spirit was gone, replaced by a fear and anxiety that made her not only unapproachable, but dangerous.
What my friend explained to me is that a horse in this state, at her advanced age, is practically impossible to fix. Not only does she become a liability to those working at the farm and trying to care for her, she also contaminates the rest of the herd to her rogue mentality. The only humane choice at this point is to let her go.
I struggled with this as I watched the magnificent creature pace back and forth like a caged animal in her corral. Surely, with enough love, she could be made whole again.
With enough time and attention, couldn’t she learn to trust once more? Couldn’t she see she was safe now, away from those who harmed her? “Maybe,” my friend told me, “but the time and attention and danger it presented were, in this case, insurmountable.”
Sort of like the story about little girl and the starfish: You cannot save them all… My friend was saving as many as she could.
How many times had I tried, in a recent relationship, to fix something that was broken? To heal a heart and a soul abused by hands and words long left in his own tragic past? To instill trust in a person who had no idea what trust looked like?
And just when I thought I was making progress, I was pushed away again, rejected, until at the end, I was almost broken myself, contaminated with the same sense of despair that had ruled his life. That kind of love is a dangerous commodity to a sensitive soul.
This was a lesson I did not want to learn, yet found myself learning again as I watched this mare at the end of her own torturous road.
Sometimes what is broken cannot be fixed. You have to learn to let it go.
But what I also saw here was evidence of those who are strong enough to take the broken things the rest of the world has discarded, and make those courageous choices no one else wants to make. So many people bend, break, and ignore the results of their actions.
So many people prefer to pretend that everything is just fine as long as they do not have to look into the shadows. As long as they do not have to be the one to take responsibility for the pain they have created.
Some of us are strong enough to bear these burdens. My friend is one of those people. I hope I am one as well. When those who turn away leave their responsibilities behind, we pick up the pieces. We carry those pieces until we figure out if they can be mended, or if they must be released.
And either way, we keep ourselves intact. We do not let the things that others have broken break us.
I do not believe this is a path one chooses; it is a path one is called to walk. It is often accompanied by sorrow, but always touched by grace. Each day I have the pleasure of walking beside one of the beautiful horses my friend has saved to live their final years in comfort and safety. I am blessed.
And I am so grateful that some broken things can be fixed.
*****
Catelyn Neilson formerly owned and operated Romancing the Past Bed & Breakfast in Fulton, Missouri. When life threw her a BIG curve ball five years ago, she had to reinvent herself after losing her husband, her business, and her home. After much reflection and soul searching, her passion for history and genealogy sent her following her house’s (and her family’s) roots to Paris (Kentucky!), where she is currently working at a new job, writing a book and preparing to return to college for an master’s degree in Library and Information Science. She’s also taking French classes, meeting regularly with French-speaking friends, and hoping someday life will find her living and working in the ‘real’ Paris! Find out more about her and her various projects, including the short film she wrote and produced before leaving the B&B, at Canneilson.com.
*****
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