3 Steps to Demine Your Life and Deal with Conflict.
Via tumblr.com
By Amita Patel.
Do your parents piss you off? Trust me, I get it.
While many of us are extremely emotionally intelligent in some areas, we seem to have gapingly large wounds when it comes to our parents. Picture this: you walk into your house all happy and well-adjusted.
Your mother might ask you a seemingly innocent question about your job or relationship status, but you know better. You detect a fine hint of judgment with notes of contempt. Suddenly, the crazy is unleashed and it’s best for innocent bystanders to take cover.
Afterwards, you’re looking at the wreckage and asking yourself, “WTF just happened?!”
The truth is that these minefields are never caused by the simple question they are asking. Instead, they are based on old wounds that haven’t been addressed.
If you’ve ever spent time with your parents and gone from 0-60 in three seconds flat, you need to read on:
First, the good news: These minefields can be cleared away more easily than the computer game ‘Minesweeper.’ (Anyone remember playing that?)
The time is Now! We attract mirror images of the stories we tell ourselves. So not dealing with this now will only continue this pattern. To start, let’s look at how this minefield was created in the first place:
Healthy relationships and interactions are created through a combination of observation, communication, and the willingness to be vulnerable. Often, we don’t feel confident and secure because of our fears and old wounds.
For example, when my parents ask me about my career and I get pissed, it is rubbing up on the fear that they don’t think I am competent and I might not be successful. This fear has no basis in reality, and is a wound I’ve needed to heal.
Minefields are created when we ground our actions in those fears rather than a place of love, knowing we are worthy and complete exactly as we are.
Thus, the emotional trigger is never about the question itself, rather the old wound that wasn’t healed.
So how is a fear born?
When we’re younger, our feelings can get hurt easily. We don’t always have the emotional maturity not to internalize criticism. We often misunderstand comments, take things personally, and construct our view of ourselves around it. Once we feel wounded, we carry this with us.
We tend to reactivate the pain in any situation that slightly resembles the original scenario.
The resulting anxiety leads to odd or exaggerated responses. You add all these fears and situations up, and you’re walking through life like it’s a minefield.
So how do we de-mine our lives?
Recognize. Analyze. Tranquilize.
1. Recognize. The emotional triggers are not about what’s wrong with the world or your parents, it’s about shifting your perception back to the truth: that you are complete and worthwhile exactly as you are. These A-bombs are just below your consciousness.
Recognizing them is the first step to clearing them out.
2. Analyze. Sure, we’d love it if our therapist were on call for us 24/7, but the truth is that you need to be able to coach yourself out of the negative spiral in order to create sustainable happiness. Think back to the last time you went from 0-60. Be honest and ask yourself:
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“What was I feeling right before I reacted? Anger? Anxiety? Something else?” Allow the emotion to surface, then feel it.
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“What thoughts do I associate with that feeling?” Perhaps you might think, “I’ll never be successful,” or “I’m not good enough.”
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“When did these thoughts begin?” You may not be able to pinpoint an exact moment or trauma, there may be a few painful memories blended together. But, the general social context will help you uncover what was happening, who was there, and how you got hurt. Now ask yourself,
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“Do I really want to keep recreating this trauma?” Chances are, no part of you wants to let the mean girls, critical parents, or abusive ex, dictate your feelings for the rest of your life.
3. Tranquilize. Time to demolish the demons in your mind. To do this, imagine that early trauma. If there’s a bully or key player, kindly tell them to “F*** off!” What’s about to happen has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you. Don’t focus on the instigator.
Instead, walk right up to yourself and respond with empathy.
How would you speak to a best friend going through the same situation?
Do that for yourself and ooze love. It might get emotional before it gets clearer. Remember, there are no magic words. The right words are whatever brings you peace.
Once you feel calmer, look at the situations that trigger negative emotions in your life right now. List the similarities and differences between those situations and the past traumas that originally wounded you. Imagine walking through these situations with tranquility.
Release the anger, fear and anxiety, recognizing that none of it is real.
One of the most powerful tools I’ve learned from coaching is that I can coach myself anytime, anyplace. By Recognizing, Analyzing, and Tranquilizing, I am able to better identify old wounds for what they truly are: fears not based in reality.
I’m not saying I never go ape-shit on my parents when they piss me off, but I’m able to see it coming and recognize it for what it is. Or, at the very least, apologize to my mother an hour later.
The Spiritual Perspective:
On a spiritual level, your soul chose your parents to learn some of its hardest lessons. Relationships, whether romantic or familial, are our greatest spiritual assignments. The Universe is self-correcting. This means you will continue to receive the lessons you need to learn until you actually learn them.
The Takeaway:
Until you heal old wounds and can stand firm in who you are, your parents will continue to piss you off. So recognize what it’s really about, and be honest with yourself. Create a new story based on your truth, and watch how your reactions shift and results change. You and your parents will thank you.
*****
Amita is the Owner and Founder of Aligned Holistics, a coaching services company founded in January of 2013 to empower individuals to create a life they love from a place of self-love vs. self-discipline. As a coach, writer, and wellness expert, Amita works with individuals to break through their barriers and embrace lifestyle change from the inside out. Her unique approach combines nutrition, physical activity, relationships, career, and personal philosophy. Amita has been featured on CBS and NBC. She received her Master’s Degree from New York University and her Health Coach Certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. You could connect with Amita on Facebook and Twitter.
{Heal Yourself First}
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