8 Steps for Being Kind to Yourself After Losing an Unborn Child.
If you recently — or even a long time ago — lost an unborn child, the last thing you probably want to hear is a list of things on how to move forward with your life.
The future, as you had imagined it, is gone. Wiped clean and meaningless. No matter what the circumstances are, it leaves us feeling frozen for a while. We are left lonely, lost and with a big Do Not Disturb sign hanging on our hearts. And for a good reason.
I get it. I totally get it. I’m so truly sorry for your loss.
And, I’m going to give you that list. Not because I think I know better what you need, far from it. And not because I think there is a rush to change or be something or someone else other than who you are. I do what I do because I see the potential in you. I see an opportunity.
I see the Phoenix rising from the ashes when I look at you. I see pure power manifested inside a female body. I see divine intelligence. I see the Companion, and Her eyes, painted all over you. I see Shadow pointing its finger to the Light. I see a woman who is here for big business. This business is called liberation.
Because if you let yourself be stopped by this loss, you know so well that you will not die complete. Why? Because, before the big Dawn, before you entered your body, you made a few commitments to yourself and the Companion.
One of them was that if your heart would end up being broken while here on earth, you would ask it to be broken even more, because you knew that only a heart that is broken open is a true human heart. And you came here to be just that: a true human.
Remember?
Pause for a moment, close your eyes and just notice what is being stirred inside you. Notice if you feel excitement, resistance, heat, anger, or perhaps sadness rising up to the surface of your heavenly heart.
Perhaps a voice that tries to talk you out of this, suggesting that what you are about to experience is just some New Agey way to spiritually bypass true feelings and minimize your loss. Or, who knows, maybe you hear a gentle loving voice that says: I see you.
Because I do. It can be terrifying to be seen in our vulnerability, our brokenness, our inability to hold it together. That translates to failure in our society. It translates into weakness and lack of resources and you have more work to do.
The biggest challenge after a loss like this is the confusing voices and images rushing through your head like your brain was Times Square on Saturday night — minus the entertainment. No way to erase or block out the chaos.
And it all takes over until you fall asleep and wake up to another empty morning, surrounded by people who had just moved a million light miles away from you while still sharing the same fridge, same bed and same office.
So, here is the list. Please let me know how it serves you, if in any way it does.
1. Create your safe place. One that you can return to again and again. It can be just a cozy corner with pillows and candles in your room. Perhaps build an altar in your home. One of the main intentions of an altar is to help us alter our perception.
It is like a visual prayer, reminding us to shift our perspective and see our situation as God, or the Divine in us, Quantum Field, the Universe, would see it. Use elements, colors, images and objects that feel good and true to you.
Have an intention that this altar will hold it all for and with you while you grieve, while you collapse and while you eventually stretch those wide wings of yours. Be witnessed by this Presence that altar represents.
2. Meditate. Hold on! It does not have to be a big deal. You do not need to get rid of your thoughts. You do not need to breath deeply. You do not need to wear flowing pants and sit cross-legged. All you need is little time, uninterrupted. That’s all.
Sit on a chair, close your eyes and just be. With. It. All. The Tibetan word for meditation Gom means to become familiar with one’s Self. Use meditation as a tool to get to know what is going on within, like a good friend would.
3. Cry. Scream. Hit a pillow. Throw a cucumber to the wall and watch what happens. Make a mess. Get to know the full range of human emotions all over again. Allow it all. Emotions are meant to be in motion. There are roads we do not want to take. This may be one of them. Take it anyway.
4. Ground. Visualize your body being attached to the core of the earth with a cord, a ribbon, a tree trunk, or whatever works for you. You can simply see yourself inside a giant tree that has roots wrapped around the center of the earth. This will take you to the present time.
Choice can only take place in the present time. You cannot heal unless you choose so. So, sister, be grounded. Keep returning to this connection throughout the day, everyday.
5. Investigate your beliefs. OK, so this is a tough one. We all have gathered a bag of tools and beliefs that might have helped us through some past difficulties. Often these are not created by us, but are given to us by our parents and our society.
The trick is to know when these beliefs are true and when they are created as a way to temporally survive, feel safe and belong. There may be a belief that you never even questioned being untrue and, after some investigation and inquiry, you now realize its fragile nature.
After letting go of such false beliefs — or misunderstandings, as I like to call them — you can replace them with limitless, aligned and authentic beliefs and start living a life that rests on your own values.
6. Ask what it is that you need. Voice your yearning, your longing, your openness for support. Most people cannot read minds. And even if they can, the asking is for you, not for them. You asking what you need is a bridge back to the world, and your life.
This is not the time to build walls around your heart. This is the time to break it even more, remember? Surrender to be seen. We cannot blame our community for not understanding us if we are not sharing our wants and needs with them. It takes practice, so start with small things.
Can you take a moment right now and write down three things that you need, and a plan for how you will express those things and to whom? Try it. If you feel stuck, ask for guidance. Whisper a prayer into the air, and wait for support.
7. Do a ritual. Plant a tree. Bury some seeds. Build a fire and dance around it. Honor and celebrate the Visitor of Light that graced you with its presence. After the shock, grief and confusion, consider for a moment this experience as a gift. Just for a moment.
You are the alchemist of your life and you can turn anything into gold. That is what liberation is all about: choosing the highest and most aligned path for yourself. It is not magic, affirmations or mantras that will take you there. It is you choosing it and then committing to it.
8. Get a haircut. Buy new clothes. Beautify the front door of your house with new plants, a waterfall or paint. Healing lives in the action. Change things around in the outer, and the inner will follow.
And, be kind to yourself. Do not rush. Take your time. A flower does not grow and get more beautiful by us yelling at it. It grows when in full harmony with itself and its surroundings. And so do you.
Go now, Flower. Surprise us with your colors, your shapes and fragrance.
As Rumi says, “Where there is a ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”
*****
{Take your time}
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