Being Human Is My Greatest Challenge.
Photo: Vintage 1950s
I have been struggling with who I am.
I have been stuck in my thoughts about what to do in my life, how to implement what I want, how to be successful in my career, and how to be the best me in a relationship. I have put myself in the container of my mind and head thinking I can think and figure my way out. I have been relying on others for everything.
I have been sad, lonely, scared, angry, hurtful, alienating, arrogant, needy, clingy, impatient, edgy, and just plain not nice. All of these feelings and behaviors I have directed towards others. The most important distinction though is I have been treating myself this way as well.
I go through so many derivations or awareness and light bulb moments. I get excited and have breakthroughs and still I come back to most of the above feelings. I have been standing in my own way for so long I am not sure I can move out of the way. I can tell pretty much everyone else how to do it, and yet I am the one I need to tell. I am the one who needs to take the workshop of my own wisdom. I am the one who needs to take the advice and suggestions I give to others.
I know exactly what to do, it is all inside me. I have exactly what I need. I know everything I need to know to answer my own questions and implement more break throughs and more change. So then, why do I still feel stuck? What is my payoff? I give my power away and trust that others know what’s best for me. Is that really easier?
I feel like running away.
I want someone else to take care of me. I do not want to think about what to do. I want everything to be taken care of so I do not have to worry about what comes next. I know this is not rational. I know this does not serve me! I know this is not really what I want.
I know I feel weak, naked, exposed, and more vulnerable than I have ever allowed myself to be by revealing this to myself. I am being stripped down to the bare elements of myself in order to become aware of the deepest seed that needs to be excavated and released. When I get this close, it is like a nerve being exposed. When the nerve is touched the sensation is greater. So, how to remove the uncomfortable sensation in order to expose and remove the seed and heal. I am digging so deep in order to bring light, insight and wisdom to myself for this healing process. I am literally giving this healing process all I’ve got in order to break through, learn, discover and grow. It feels so raw, so deep, so intense; similar to childbirth. I am pushing out what needs to be released, overcome, revealed, birthed in order to expose what is to the open air and light, so I may see that that little seed I have been carrying around for so long is not me. It is not what defines me, not what makes me who I am. It is a small insignificant seed that I gave such great meaning to, that I gave my power away to, that I allowed to stand in the way of who I really am. I bought the story and I ran with it.
And… as I say this, and know this, it pulls me in, it affects my physical body. It is a deep visceral, cellular feeling.
That small voice, is even at this moment, whispering to me to be afraid and to not reveal too much. Is it really worth it? Why do I need to change anything? It is too much effort.
I do not want to fight! I want to love! I want to be compassionate, tender, generous of heart. I know, in order to break through, I must be in my power, my truth, my highest intention. I must be my most peaceful warrior who is relentless with kindness, love and compassion for myself. I know, that until I can truly be all of these emotions, feelings, and intentions for myself, I cannot be them for others.
Am I being redundant? Perhaps! I have said quite often over my life, repetition is the key to learning. The process takes as long as it takes. I am where I am supposed to be because this is where I am. Being with what is, IS the greatest awareness, the greatest healing.
Now, on to the next step, Action! This again brings up fear, anxiety, and doubt. Which result in new and different visceral sensations. How can I have awareness and clarity and then step into action when it hurls me back to a perceived beginning that I must traverse and break free from? Ah, the process begins again. I ask myself- what action can I take to move forward with this new awareness? I again stand frozen in my current spot, seeing myself standing on a dirt road with wilderness all around, unable to move in any direction in order to progress. I scream in frustration of the process, the feelings, the physical familiarity of the visceral sensations.
I have enough awareness to know this is all happening for a reason. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I am frustrated that I am still here. I am judging myself and my process. I am in a spin of emotional proportions. I feel my cells screaming, squirming to let go and free themselves of what they see and feel that does not allow them to operate freely. How deep! How profound! This is a process I am unable to stop. It has been started by a small awareness and has elevated to a deep, profound necessary life saving, healing process that needs to be fulfilled and completed to save my very life and existence. To save my Soul!
I am spinning around on the dirt road to choose which direction I will go. I know I will not go back from whence I came, and there are still many choices to move forward and take action. I am relieved. I stop spinning. I rest in my position. I feel like my body is glowing. Awareness, truth and potential are bright and shiny. With every step I take I feel calmer and freer to explore what is. One small step at a time down the expansive dirt road of my life.
Opportunity is everywhere. Willingness is my nourishment, my food for my Soul.
I breathe in the generosity of willingness. I breathe out everything that no longer serves me!
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