After the Fireworks.
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By K. Stahring
We save up for vacations and memories. We go to theme parks and on cruises.
Sometimes we only get that one or two week window a year to fit that dream in. And sometimes it doesn’t happen. It can be weather or illness or family drama. It can be so many things.
But if it doesn’t happen the way we hope and plan, we still go back. We try again.
It’s worth that shot at magic. Big magic.
But love…
Ah, love of love. Dreams of love. Love addiction. That is the big magic. That is what we want to have to back up everything else in life.
Here’s what I think as I’m falling into that next connection that I start rearranging things in life for:
If it doesn’t happen
My body will still
Wake itself
Before the sun.
I will revive.
I will go into the day.
But what color will the sky be?
Will I notice?
I will show up to life,
But will it taste right?
Sometimes everything is
Orange juice after toothpaste.
If it doesn’t happen
There will be a great
Plume of smoke
Hanging overhead
Changing slowly
City lights reflecting up and in
After the climax
Of fireworks
And then nothing.
Love that doesn’t happen can almost break us. Love that started beautiful and larger than life, but turns ugly and controlling, can pull us under. Love that explodes into the world at the wrong place or time can make us crazy. Really.
But here’s the secret. Here’s the core truth of love:
It really does start inside ourselves. It really won’t work any other way.
That is the secret that floats to the surface after hours of Yoga and meditation. That is the truth our soul will resonate with. All the other stuff is just a drug. It’s just going to leave us wanting more.
If the love we put something into comes from a full place inside ourselves, then we will still have enough. If the love we are fighting for is emptying us, we let go.
We have to, if we want to breathe. Really breathe.
So if I start out in love with myself — with my softened belly and crooked nose and propensity to daydream too much — if I start full, then here’s what I’m saying when I say I Love You:
I mean I want you to be happy. I want you to find clarity and strength in that love.
It’s a wish.
I’m saying I accept you. I am grateful for you.
I’m also saying, Be gentle with me.
I’m asking you to give me a heads-up or a reason
for silence
or big changes
or pain.
I’m saying
– because I’m human and vulnerable –
that I want you to love me too.
I want you to be real, so I don’t decorate my love into something it is not.
It’s beautiful how it is.
I mean this is something I will never forget. You will show up in my dreams.
Your presence in my life, even if you leave, will forever affect my trajectory.
It has changed. You matter.
And
If it doesn’t happen
and there is that great
Plume of smoke
Hanging overhead
Changing slowly
City lights reflecting up and in
After the climax
Of fireworks
There will still be something.
There will still be love.
*****
K. Stahring traded in apartments and traffic of Seattle and Tampa for the wide open spaces of Idaho, where she pursued the childhood that escaped her. Since breathing in the country air, she has found the magic of Yoga, the strength to say “No”, and the importance of renewal. When she needs more, the foodie delights of a city aren’t too far away. You can find her writing at ReadBreatheLove.
#LoveStays
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