wisdom

Because Everything Changes.

 

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Today I realized, everything changes. Like, everything.

People have told me that before, and people will tell me that again, but to really know it, own it, trust it, come to terms with it, allow for it, hope for it, almost expect it, feels like it’s been mine, lately.

I keep thinking back to things that have changed, and keep realizing that despite life still being hard and full, things are very different from what they once were.

I find that hard to hold on to and fully believe, because life is still hard, and life still feels confusing and messy, and I often feel perplexed and lost. But the thing is, I never feel lost in the way I did before.

Feeling lost feels more temporary. It’s like a passing state that’s often here regardless of what’s happening, of where I am of, of what I’m doing.

A familiar passing state that my body and mind have been so used to feeling that when it’s here, the familiarity springs up and takes hold, and I forget all the times in recent months where I haven’t felt lost. The times in which I’ve been coming home, and holding that sense, deeply.

In these moments of the familiarity of lost-ness, I forget all the ways in which I’ve changed.

All the ways in which I’ve grown and am no longer as thrown off by the sense of not knowing what’s going to happen, because in me is a part of me stronger and more content, wiser and more open, bolder and more convinced that this path I’m on is a path that will take me to where I want to be.

It’ll take me to other places, too, but the thing I want to hold on to — and the thing I am holding on to — is that it’ll take me somewhere different from where I am now.

Somewhere different from this destination I’ve reached this very moment, and somewhere different — even if only different by an inch — from the destinations I’ve reached before.

Sometimes I feel like I know where I’m going. Other times I realize I don’t, but I have ideas. I have solid dreams, ambitions, and desires. I have a heart that knows the truth, and where I need to go, what I need to do, and that I’m doing that all already.

And I have a head that knows the difference between fears and reality, criticism and truth.

But I also know I actually have no idea, and where I am right now isn’t where I thought I would be in. In many ways — self-criticizing ways — I could look at that in a bad way, but in many others I could see the ten-fold leaps of goodness that have come from where I am.

To see the fact that I’m healing, and that I’m right here, where I am, is something I can give myself in the moments I feel abandoned by worry and stress. Because I’m twenty-something and I’m figuring it out.

I’m giving me a gift of something — I’m giving me Life.

People have told me that my life will change so much and I’ve often found it hard to believe. Like, truly believe, and for it to truly change. I know that it will change a bit but part of me fights this theory because I don’t want it to be true.

Part of me is so afraid of change because what if I don’t like what I turn into? What if I don’t like what my life changes into, what my life becomes? What and who I become?

But that’s fear, and that’s worry — two things I’ve known so well, but two things I’m increasingly learning to spot and tell to pipe down, or reason with, or simply ignore.

They’re two things that also make my heart open wide and fill with warmth as I write this because I know that the fear and worry come from parts of me who are here –or telling me these things—to protect me.

They’re parts of me wounded by trauma and parts of me consistently afraid, because to them change meant un-safety. Change didn’t mean warmth.

Change meant hatred and wounding and bullying. Change meant excessive worrying and being alert, stepping on tiptoes, waiting for abuse.

But change is different now, change does bring warmth. Change brings other things, too, but the change I keep noticing and the change I keep bringing myself back to, is change that’s within me, within myself.

I notice change in the life around me, but the change inside me feels like the most powerful, and reassuring, one.

I almost constantly notice little bits of change, growth, inside me. I write them in my happiness jar, or in my journal, as things to come back to when I’m needing faith and reassurance from the parts of me that can see the difference, see the growth, see the new-ness flowing through me.

This is when I feel grateful for my self-awareness, sensitivity, and perception. Sometimes it’s a bitch, and sometimes I wish I didn’t feel things like I do, but in times of feeling crazy, feeling a little (or a lot) lost, I bring myself back to these little things I notice, and that feels fucking wonderful.

Watching myself change and watching myself grow in ways I didn’t know how, before, leaves me knowing things can be different.

I look back on how far I’ve come, I look back on what I used to know, and I see that things I never thought would change — but desperately longed for them to and, deep inside me, knew they would somehow — have changed.

About four months ago, I wrote a piece for an online publication about my journey with self-destruct, and how it’s changed and softened in not such a big amount of time.

From days of severe eating disorders and days of crippling suicidality and an attempt, to days that are still scattered with self-destruct or self-sabotage but in a much gentler way to how they were before.

Still painful and frustrating and lonely, but days that are also scattered with a shit-ton of love from myself to me.

Since writing that piece, I’ve brought myself back to it so, so, much. Like, if that can change, if that can change in me, if that life I used to lead has softened in the way it has in not that long, then I know I’m going to be okay. Things are going to be okay.

I know that what I’m struggling with now will change, because that did.

I know that the inner turmoil and the seeming inner madness, the inner sense of doom, will shift. One day I’ll be able to look back and realize, again, that nothing is permanent and that everything will be different.

In me is a part of that knows this is true, regardless of the rest of my experience. She’s the part of me listening and noticing, opening my heart up and bringing me awareness. She’s the part of me guiding me and showing me all the things that have changed and that are different.

She’s telling me she loves me, she’s telling me, I do. She’s telling me she’ll be here through it all.

She tells me that even though things look a little funky, a little sad, a little hard, right now, they won’t always be. And that within me is a change, a growth, a wellness, that won’t ever stop happening.

This wellness and growth and change are part of me just as much as she. Because wellness, growth, and change, are a part of being human. We can’t escape it, no matter how hard we try. And I don’t want to, anyway.

Even the self-destructive gremlins in me want things to change because then they have something new to bash my head against. And the parts of me that fear change? They know it’s okay. They know they’ll always be here, regardless of difference, regardless of consistency, because that’s their job.

The difference is, their voice will soften and their trust will grow, as I grow too.

With the help of the unconditionally loving part of me, holding me tight, watching my back, and catching my tears, I will listen to the words of strangers or passers-by, I will take breaths from the wise people in my life, I will read passages of people’s stories and sections of fictional ones, and trust that everything changes because everything does.

Everything changes because everything is going to be okay.

And everything already is.

 

*****

 

{Embrace It}

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Amani Omejer

Amani Omejer

Amani lives in Bristol, UK. She can be found enjoying herbalism, swimming in rivers, surfing, laughing, and talking about life with friends or anyone who will listen. She is a firm believer in telling your story in order to heal. She is currently writing a book. Connect with her on Facebook or take a look at her website.
Amani Omejer
Amani Omejer