A Farewell Letter to an Old Confidant.
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Dear Razor Blade,
You have been my confidant for many years. You embraced me when my emotions and feelings of self-loathing became overwhelming, your cool touch soothed me, promising me that the white hot streak of pain would be followed by a comforting weightlessness; you would whisper this promise in my ear, softly, like a lover, as you traced patterns across my skin.
A blanket of numbness enveloped me each time you made your mark; your touch was intoxicating, and I craved it constantly. With you I felt secure. With you I felt in control. I even distanced myself from my parents and friends, hiding our relationship from them. I pledged my loyalty to you.
Much too soon, you become more demanding, more aggressive. Violent. You forced yourself deeper each time, to free me from my demons. I looked up at you naively, desperately devouring your every word. I listened to you fervently, religiously… but you lied.
Your presence only carved a deeper void in my soul.
Every day became bleaker than the next, as intense self-hate and self-disgust consumed me. The weightlessness that you promised me was a curse. Like a dried, dead leaf, fluttering about in the wind, I became disconnected from myself and others.
Being with you only made me feel more unhinged, and more alone than ever.
Each night you berated me for my faults, spilling my blood as a sacrifice. Sometimes I would resist, but you kept coming back, and I kept letting you in. You sneered at me, saying I was weak, worthless without you, that you would be the only constant thing in my life.
You said I deserved punishment, that I was bad, and that you would cleanse me. I believed you for so long.
I do not need you anymore, even though I will miss you in the dark, during those inevitable low moments. You are not my guardian angel, nor my savior, and you never were. I have true friends in my life, ones who don’t hurt me the way that you have. They accept the way I am.
You have no place in my world. I am sick of looking at the jagged scars you left behind. They just remind me of you, and of the toxic bond we shared. We are over. No longer do I wish to feel that soul-crushing shame of hiding from my loved ones.
I have grown weary of your numbing embrace that has always left the space under my ribs feeling colder and more cavernous than before. I am unleashing myself from the seductive hold you have had over me, from the way you have stopped me from living.
I am not weak.
I am not worthless.
You cannot control me anymore.
I am no longer your slave.
So, it is time to say farewell, my once lover.
*****
Holly Tree is a sometimes-yogi-wannabe, thinks way too much for her own good, and desperately desires to make a difference. As a student of Eastern medicine, she believes in tapping into the healing energy that connects us all to one another and the earth. Writing is her outlet, and she is an avid reader of all things Rebelle Society.
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