Unorthodox Confessions: The Importance of Dharma, Karma and Reincarnation. {book preview}
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When I announced to the readers of my site, Covenant of the Soul, that I got a book deal, many people wrote to me asking what it was like to achieve a dream.
The first time I was asked that question, my initial reaction was, “What dream?” In 2011, it was my dream to get a book deal. From 2008-2011, I had a blog that was pretty successful and I was very vocal about the belief that a book deal would come to me.
Looking back at it, it was a very bold and ego-centered thing to believe, but if you had asked me if I was being arrogant, I would have denied it.
As life would have it, a big-time publisher did discover me and offered me a book deal in the Spring of 2011. I was thrilled and on top of the world. Based on how things were going, it looked like it was a sure thing. However, at the very last moment, the publisher changed their mind.
With a single email, my reality changed. I hit bottom with such a loud thud that I could not move for days. That single event was like a giant cosmic wrecking ball.
Unbeknownst to everyone, except for my husband, the loss of that book deal came after a series of other heartbreaking losses. I was known to be someone who was always happy and optimistic but for the first time in my life, I couldn’t be happy or optimistic or even hopeful.
I couldn’t pick myself up from the floor. I hit bottom in ways that I never dreamed. I was so numb that I decided to retreat from the world. So I shut down my blog, closed all social media accounts and stopped talking to all of my friends.
My husband and father were the only two people in my life that I kept contact with during this hermitry.
Although at the time my life looked so bleak, it was truly a huge blessing in disguise. I did not see it then but I had to lose everything that I thought I knew in order to get everything I wanted.
My book, Unorthodox Confessions: The Importance of Dharma, Karma and Reincarnation, is about my journey. Below is an except from my book:
*****
Most spiritual stories can be summarized with the following formula:
Person is unaware of spirituality…
… Painful event occurs which brings suffering…
… Person is confused and in pain…
… Spirituality is discovered…
… Period of adjustment…
… Happy Ending/Happily Ever After
You will notice that most fairy tales follow a similar formula. Although I am slightly embarrassed to admit it now, I was an ardent believer in that same exact formula and seriously thought that I was in the happy ending category. I viewed myself as a happy person. Others thought I was happy. A friend once described me as being the happiest person she had ever met. I even had a blog called Happy Lotus. Life was good… so I thought.
This book is not about finding spirituality but rather a story of how someone who was on a spiritual path for 14 years, lost their faith, and found it again through studying in detail about dharma, karma, reincarnation and liberation.
Prior to my loss of faith, I did have an intellectual understanding of dharma, karma, reincarnation and liberation. However, just because we know what something means intellectually, does not mean that we are living those principles or applying them to our lives. Unfortunately, I was not living those principles despite my knowledge of them. And this comes from a person who almost became an Advaita Vedantist nun back in 2000.
If you had asked me before my loss of faith whether I was living those principles, I would have wholeheartedly said Yes and would have believed it. But when you study something in detail, it is like a huge mirror appears before you and you realize that you truly knew nothing. When you find yourself flat on the floor, on your face, with the realization that you were truly and utterly clueless about spirituality… it humbles you real fast.
When I began to truly comprehend the full meaning and importance of dharma, karma, reincarnation and liberation, the last thing on my mind was to write a book about it. Although for years, it was my desire to be a published author but when I lost my faith, writing was the last thing I ever wanted to do again. I was so fed up and tired by the whole concept of “if you believe it, it will come” mentality that I just wanted to be a hermit.
With the hermit mentality firmly held in my heart, I jumped into my studies with no care or concern as to what may come from it. The search was intense and pure. It had not been like that since 1997, when my spiritual quest first began.
In March of 2014, I was firmly told by my teacher that I should go back online and share my journey. I did not want to do it. I really, really was reluctant to go back online. But the guidance from my teacher was clear and direct. So with great hesitancy, I created a new website and started it with no set goals or expectations. If only one person read it, that was fine with me. I did not want a repeat of my last online experience which will be discussed later on in the book.
I launched Covenant of the Soul on May 27th, 2014. On June 9th, 2014, I was offered a deal with Starfield Press. It did not take much to realize that the best thing that I could do would be to share what I learned about dharma, karma, reincarnation and liberation. And this is what this book is all about…
As a soul writer, it is my duty to be real. This book will not provide any magic formulas or remedies. I am not here to sell you some program or product. We each have a story to tell and we each can learn from one another. So that is my intention… to be of service. I hope this book helps you in your journey.
Life is truly a wonderful ride if you are willing to do the work that Life requires.
…
For reasons that I have never been able to comprehend, there is this human perception that hitting bottom occurs only once in life. I have come to realize that this is not necessarily true. There are varying levels of “bottom”.
I have hit bottom more than once in my life and each time it was relatively easy to pick myself up and get back in the game. When you have a painful childhood, you learn real fast how to survive without really thinking about the details. But this time, things were different. This time, the bottom was the rock bottom. And the thud was so loud this time that it made me numb. For the first time in my life, I could not pick myself up. I didn’t even try. All I wanted to do was to just lie there.
The first few months of numbness were sort of blissful. There were no thoughts or feelings. I just simply existed without really thinking about anything and it was strangely peaceful. However, as time went by, the blissful haze began to wear away and the shock of reality began to set in. And the only thought that crossed my mind was; how in the world did I get myself into this mess? Except for my marriage, everything else in my life was a massive heap of rubble.
It came as a huge shock to see the mess I had created because as far as I was concerned, I was doing everything “right” according to spiritual principles. I was good and kind. I answered every single email that I ever received. Every tweet, post or comment on any of my social media accounts and blog was always answered. I was always kind and generous to those around me. I always gave money to a homeless person when they asked me. I believed in God/the Universe and always prayed for help and guidance. As I viewed my actions, everything seemed to be okay. So if I did everything right, how did I get into this mess?
The event that triggered my descent to the rock bottom was not that consequential on the surface but it came after a series of losses that had been building up for quite some time and it was truly the proverbial piece of straw that broke the camel’s back.
In order to understand why I hit rock bottom, you have to understand the events leading up to it.
Unlike many, my childhood, teenage years and early twenties were full of existential pain that I wish on no one. I have debated at length whether or not to go into detail about the horrors that I experienced during those times. As a writer, there is always a desire to make sure that whatever is told is relevant to the story and serves the intention of the book.
Will reading numerous pages of pain that I endured really help you? Maybe but then again, maybe not. What I will say is that from the time I was about six years old until the age of thirty-three, I was a victim of abuse (primarily emotional and verbal but there were a couple physical encounters) by a very close family friend who was considered to be a family member which is why I was taught to view her as my aunt. My aunt lived with my family until the day she passed away. My parents were really focused on pursuing their careers and did not want my welfare to be at the hands of a stranger. They figured that my aunt would be safe. My parents were not aware of the immense abuse I endured until after my aunt’s passing.
Like most abusers, my aunt was brilliant in masking her abusive self. Out in public or when my parents were home, she brilliantly portrayed a person who was full of love and compassion. She was truly adored by all the people that she met and many people thought I was so blessed to be raised by such a person. She was charismatic in ways that were truly impressive but once the doors were closed, she was a completely different human being.
My aunt had numerous mental issues which she refused to get help for because she was concerned about the social stigma. Therefore, she took out all of her frustration on me and made sure that if I were to open my mouth, no one would believe me.
What complicated my situation was that I was also mercilessly bullied in school from the age of six until high school graduation. For twelve years straight, I never had a day free from abuse. I would go to school and be bullied by fellow classmates and then come home to another abuser. Ironically, my aunt would tell me that the bullies at school were right to make fun of me since I was such a worthless person.
My aunt often told me that I was good for nothing. It was like a daily mantra that I heard. When a family member tells you that you are good for nothing, you believe it because why would a loved one tell a child that, if it was not true? That is how I rationalized such statements and so I viewed myself as my aunt did — good for nothing.
What made matters even more complicated was that back then, such matters were not publically discussed. Bullying was a fact of life that a person just had to endure and the reality of childhood abuse was often hidden.
Children, when they are told over and over again that they are worthless, begin to believe it. When a child is told that they are stupid, fat, ugly and/or someone who invokes shame, the child comes to believe it. That is what happened to me. The bullying at school just solidified the concept because the insults were the same and that was enough evidence in my eyes to prove that I was a defective human being who was not capable of being loved by anyone.
By the time I was fifteen, I was so numb from all the bullying and abuse, I forced myself to stop feeling in an effort to survive. There was no sense of personality or self. I had no thoughts or opinions of my own. Whatever someone else thought or felt, I would mimic them because I so desperately wanted to be loved. I was convinced that I was a defective human being and therefore, if I were to show my true feelings, there would be more abuse and bullying. So I did not fully engage with life… I simply drifted through it without any sense of identity or emotion.
Most of my life up until age twenty-five is blank. The immensity of the pain was so much that I truly cannot recall most of it. Certain events stand out… like the time I told my aunt I was not hungry and she slapped me across the face because I was ungrateful for food. Or the time she locked me in the attic because I asked her for some money to buy candy. Or the time she read my diary and then made fun of me to others based on what she read. Or the time my aunt made me drink a whole glass of milk even though I was allergic and I spent the afternoon vomiting in the bathroom. Events like these were common in my life.
Ironically, even though I cannot recall most of those years up until I was twenty-five, I can vividly remember the Divine always making Itself known throughout my life.
*****
Nadia Ballas-Ruta is a mystic, writer and a rebel for the Divine. Due to being born into a family of mixed ethnicity and religion, she was free to pick whichever religion she wanted to follow. As a result, the concepts of God and the Divine became huge subjects of fascination. At age 25, an intense spiritual journey began which included working as an attorney, initiation into the Ramakrishna Order and so much more. To her, spirituality is not a hobby… it is a way of life. She currently works as a writer and lives in New Jersey with her husband. In October 2014, Starfield Press published her book ‘Unorthodox Confessions: The Importance of Dharma, Karma and Reincarnation’. It is available at all online booksellers. You can read more about her work at Covenant Of The Soul. You can also follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
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