I Made Myself A Mind Palace.
{Photo via Tumblr}
By Kelsi Hole
I made myself a mind palace, though it was more of a home.
I made myself a mind palace, and then one night, I found you waiting in it. You wrapped your arms around me like it was the only thing you needed, and kissed me on the forehead to give me all the words you could not say.
I made myself a mind palace, and did not realize I built it for two. You were in every inch of it, it just took you time to manifest. You had to pull yourself out of the polished wooden banisters that lead up to our attic room.
You had to extract yourself from the books that rest on library shelves, books that I had read over your shoulder, speeding ahead just so you could get exasperated at how quickly I read, just so I could see your smile and spend a few moments pressing my lips to your skin as you tried to catch up.
You had to find yourself in the dust motes that dance in the warm light pooling in. You had to find yourself in the cushions of the window seat that one day I had seen of a picture of, and commented that I’d liked.
Later I found it part of your desktop image, a picture of me above it, decorated with the words ‘Do it for her‘.
You found yourself there. How did you not find yourself in reality, when my hands stroked your skin to remind you where you were? When it was not a house holding the essence of you, but my soul? You searched in all the wrong places.
Drew away, leaving me holding this beautiful creature that belonged in your skin, the steady thump of your heart a lighthouse designed to keep it safe. Another’s skin whispered promises of life, and you buried yourself in them. Did you find me there? Did you find yourself?
You came back decorated in lies, as dark and bold against your skin as the tattoo on your forearm. As silver and unseen as the scar on your shoulder that once I so loved to trace. You came back decorated in lies, and you hid under the clinging, suffocating skin of them.
I stood before you, naked still, but you did not strip down to join me. And only then did I realize that I drowned, and you watched, too afraid, too unsure, to risk yourself any further.
You only had enough bravery to drag me down into your darkness. Leaving me there didn’t take any bravery at all.
I still carry you though, that bright spark that dispelled your shadows. It belongs to the past, to an image of you that you have left behind. A better image. A truer image.
An image that could find itself even in the smallest suggestions of the mind palace I built.
I made myself a mind palace, and you are the most important thing in it. It is a painful reminder, seeing your smile. Seeing that light back in your eyes. But you gave yourself to me, back then. And I promised to carry you.
I promised that, no matter what I would always love you, love that burning, brilliant man you once were. He deserved that, even if you do not.
I do not discard my promises, as you discarded me.
*****
Kelsi Hole has always believed that she is woven out of ink, words, and stories. Stories that have never been happy to stay within her, but demanded freedom in the form of writing from a young age. An infliction she cannot cure, it gives her pleasure to think that one day she may bring the enjoyment of reading to others. Complementing this side to her, she has an overwhelming love of Science, mainly Maths and Physics. To her, Mathematics is as much a story, a description of the world around us, as words are, and that there is poetry in a perfect equation. To this end, she studies Mathematics and Physics, in her distant, beautiful home country of New Zealand. You can connect with Kelsi via Facebook.
{Remember your promises}
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