What Your Man Wants Most, But Is Too Afraid To Ask You For.
{Photo via Tumblr}
By Bruce Muzik
“I felt so lonely…” I watched Anna sob, arms crossed and shoulders slumped in defeat.
After 11 years of neglecting their marriage, Tim and Anna and had flown me half way across the world in a last ditch attempt to stop their divorce.
“You were always traveling or working. It was just me and the kids alone at home…”
Anna had just taken a big risk. Sharing how lonely she had felt was a vulnerable move.
Tim, blinded by hurt after discovering Anna’s affair, couldn’t hear her pain.
Instead of comforting her (as securely connected couples do), he attacked back hearing only that Anna was blaming him for her affair.
“It’s because I’m away working that you don’t need to work. But you never notice that, do you?! You just ran off and screwed another man.”
They were planning to announce their separation to their kids in just five days.
Three hours into our first session, they were stuck.
Each time Anna risked opening up to Tim, he’d interrupt her, waving his hands and saying how ungrateful she was for everything he provided.
At this point Anna was hiding in the corner of her chair, defeated. Tim was red-faced and angry.
To the untrained eye, it looked like Tim was punishing Anna for her affair by attacking her.
But, from experience, I knew Tim’s angry outbursts were not intended as punishment.
Starved of feeling desired and secretly afraid he wasn’t, Tim was indirectly begging Anna to tell him that she desired, admired and appreciated him.
After the humiliation of her affair, I knew he wouldn’t ask her for it directly, so I helped him:
“I’m getting the feeling that you don’t feel appreciated by Anna. Is that right, Tim?”
(nodding silently)
“I… I… just want her to appreciate how hard I work for her — to make her happy… I want to know that she wants me… that she needs me as much as I need her.”
(facing Anna, tears now pouring down his face)
“All I want is just to make you happy… but… but you act as if I don’t exist.”
Tim’s body convulsed as he shared his secret pain with his wife for the first time.
I often hear this exact sentiment from husbands who are the breadwinners in a troubled marriage.
A tough exterior often hides a scary secret — that Mr. Tough Guy craves feeling admired, desired and appreciated, but is too terrified to ask for it.
You’d be forgiven for wondering why we men don’t just ask for the thing we crave. However, read any dating advice book and you’ll learn that neediness repulses women.
Our society rewards strength in men, not our vulnerability. So, in order to keep you interested and avoid your rejection, we only show you our strong side.
Perhaps if we knew that you saw the courage it takes for us to be vulnerable, we’d feel safer opening up.
Back to our story…
“Anna, can you hear what Tim is starving for?”
Anna sat upright, took Tim’s hands and looked him square in the eyes.
She began speaking slowly and with conviction:
“Tim, I am so sorry I haven’t appreciated you more. I do see how hard you work to support us and all the things you provide for me:
a comfortable life…
a beautiful home…
family vacations…
security…
everything.
And I do desire you.
I think you’re the most attractive, handsome man. You’re a catch. If I haven’t showed you that, it’s only because I’ve been feeling so lonely.”
(Tim lets out a loud sob and nods and Anna leans forward in her chair to hold him as he sobs.)
“Tim, please forgive me. I think you’re amazing. That’s why I’m still here with you. I promise I’ll remember to appreciate you. You deserve to feel that, honey. I love you.”
Tim’s face had changed.
Instead of red-faced and sobbing, he was smiling, his face was glowing.
“I love you too…”
They weren’t out of the woods yet, but this was their first step in the right direction.
Conclusion
When was the last time you told your man how much you admire, desire and appreciate him? If your relationship is in trouble, perhaps Now is the time to tell him how you really feel about him.
Although this strategy may not magically solve all your relationship problems, it will make him feel closer, connected and safer to open up to you.
Once you’re connected, you can solve your problems together. Without being connected, you’ll have no chance.
Go try this out now and let me know how it goes.
One last thing…
Vulnerability is the new macho. Your man might not have gotten the memo, so let him know. Okay?
P.S. If you’re wondering what happened to Tim and Anna, they never announced to their kids that they were getting divorced. They are still together and deliberately healing their marriage.
P.P.S. One of my mentors once told me, “Bruce, in life pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” If your relationship is painful, don’t suffer longer than you need to. Reach out and get some help.
*****
Bruce Muzik is passionate about helping couples fix their troubled marriages and has a reputation for being the guy relationship therapists refer their toughest clients to. He believes most couples already know how to communicate, but have never learned how to connect securely and safely. He says, “Instead of trying to resolve a couple’s relationship issues by talking about them, first I focus on helping them connect like they did when they were falling in love. Only then will talking resolve anything.” At heart, Bruce is a romantic and has always been deeply fascinated with human behavior… particularly the bond that occurs between people in committed romantic relationships. Direct experience working with hundreds of couples each month has confirmed his belief that even the ‘hopeless case’ relationships can be saved with a dose of loving connection, empathy and understanding. Visit Bruce’s website to find out how you can fix your troubled relationship and start on the road to a new life together.
{Let’s Stay Together}
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