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Thank You, Kali, for the Destruction, for the Rebuild.

 

{ Photo via PInterest.com }

{Photo via PInterest}

By Caroline Stewart
It’s a big thing, you know, to explode a long-term relationship.

And not gently, as the slow turn of death was upon me; transmuting complacency to vapid rage. Kali Ma consumed my heart, willing towards violent destruction.

But that’s the thing about Kali. She does not burn through to leave in ashes. Oh no. Her divine mandate is to provide for newness. For change and rebirth. To remain stuck in the darkness would be a responsive fuck you to this goddess woman of epically epic proportions.

So I find myself reflecting upon the time spent since. Wondering where this time has disappeared to and remembering that it did not go. It was. And is.

Beyond my small imaginings, this time of change created beautiful newness. Opportunities for exploration and play in the shadows. Bringing a lightness of heart that I have never before known. A trust in the divine that I used to deny as new-agey hipster, delusional, shitty bullshit shit.

And though I feel the rebuild, I am not whole yet. What remains is the one thing I have desperately ignored — the area of my life that I have denied for so long. Well, for 15 years.

And that is romantic partnership. Because it scares the shit out of me.

I was at one time hurt so deeply that I hid my romantic heart. I was young and innocent — in belief that my unconditional, trusting love was enough for someone, for myself. And so I turned a blind eye to truth, until it could be hidden no longer. Our young love wasn’t enough. It was most definitely beautiful and transformative, but it was also restrictive and immature.

He cheated. I cried. He wanted me back. I came back. He wanted freedom. I gave him his fucking freedom.

The pain of that hurt changed me. My heart blistered, and a hardening began. From that darkness a voice urged protection. And so I protected by masking the soft vulnerable bits — hiding the pieces of me that were love within a maze of distractions.

I no longer wanted to participate in the world of seeking romance. It frustrated and pissed me off. I had important shit to do in my life. And so I chose safety, building a relationship that functioned without the deeper connection of the soul. Because who really needs that shit anyway, right?

Without pouring through the details of day-to-day interactions, the slow folding of month into month and year into year, suffice it to say that our romantic relationship did not grow. But the one thing that did was our friendship, and for that I am very very grateful.

I care so deeply for this man who shared such a large part of my life. We grew up together. We created two beautiful children, started a business, shared dreams and failures.

And now that we are no longer together, I appreciate him more than I ever have. His kind and gentle manner; the matter-of-fact way that he solves problems and executes solutions; his devotion and reliability. If he’ll let me, I will always share in this friendship. Not just for our children, but for the simple beauty of mutual caring and support.

So many are content with a friendship-focused partnership. A leave with the one who brung ya mentality. Is my desire for soulful connection pointless? Naïveté masked as hopefulness?

Well, here’s the thing — the one thing that I can’t seem to explain away: The heartsong. The passion and draw towards something different. A deep knowingness that finds me in my panicky moments when I question what the fuck I’ve done and washes me over with trust. And love. This is how I know. This is how I feel the truth; that what I have done, where I am going, is right.

Do I know what the future holds? Who I will be with? Even how to love? No.

But I trust. I have learned how to feel. No longer trapped within the confines of my self-constructed maze of illusion. And that is enough.

Thank you, Kali. For the destruction. For the rebuild.

Love,

Your ever faithful, trusting servant.

 

*****

CarolineStewartCaroline Stewart is a lover of all things beautiful and authentic — the perfectly imperfect. She oscillates between her outgoing desire to spread love and compassion with everyone she meets and her deep-seated need for quiet and solitude. When not digging in her garden, playing dodgeball, or living in imaginary worlds with her two beautiful children, Caroline can be found curled up in the nearest sunny spot with book in hand and smile on her face.

 

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