5 Lessons For My Sisters — Loving A Free Man.
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It seems to be true what they say — it’s not what you know but who you know.
Or more aptly, I think — who you get to know will vastly enrich what you know.
Human relating fascinates me as I get deeper into the mysterious and sometimes frightening business of becoming fully and creatively alive, reorganizing my circumstances and culling comforts in order to speed up my own evolution.
Contemplating and reframing the behavior of others in relation to myself has been to date one of the most powerful accelerators towards profound insights that I have come across — it has irrevocably altered the course of my existence.
In other words, how you interpret your own story matters enormously. The people that annoy you, upset you, frustrate you and feel like they might break you, almost always bear gifts if you have the patience, inclination and mental fortitude to unwrap them.
“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror ever be polished?” ~ Rumi
In Gestalt Therapy, the term epoché is used, which means to set aside bias, assumption and expectation in the context of reviewing events — in this way, reducing interpretations that may diminish our satisfaction and growth in some way.
In the interests of furthering my own awakening, after a spectacularly jarring bout of emotional rough and tumble with one free man, I decided the above mode had merit, if the benefit of my experience was to eclipse and clear the painful residue left by it.
I know you know the type — handsome, clever, conscious and free-spirited, with the irresistible cheek belonging to those who are used to getting what they want. The plot must have appeared clichéd to onlookers but seemed thickly intriguing to me.
I was blindsided by the strength of the magnetics between us and mesmerized by his attentions; thirsty for this easy, deep exchange after a substantial drought of connection in the 17-year relationship with my then-partner.
Our domestic setup had insidiously become comfortable and stifling at the same time, I think, for both of us.
Despite or maybe because of the love between us, I knew change was imminent, that much I could feel, but the realization that it was my own transformation that was being demanded was still obscured from my view.
All I perceived was myself outgrowing a partner who no longer held me down but seemed to yield to my every challenge. Flailing and wavering with nothing solid to resist, I got lost in the fledgling sensations of my own expansion.
Restlessness alternated with frustration at no longer being able to be contained by familiar circumstance and losing the requisite sense of control that provides.
In love with the thought of being with someone who could handle me and calm the troubled waters of my soul (so I didn’t have to), I pacified myself with the alluring thrill of a brand new, hypnotic, mutual attraction.
“I am restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.” ~ Anaïs Nin
Already feeling pulled away by the natural expansion of my heart-led businesses, the delicate weave of my passions and the forces of destiny silently destabilized the foundations of life as I knew it.
Despite the startling clarity of hindsight, I possess not one ounce of regret, because for the first time in a long time, I listened to the quiet, strong voice of instinct and allowed myself to be taken for the ride.
Comfort and safety lull me with their softness and warmth, soothe me into thinking I am only small and scared when I know that I am also big and full of courage.
I want intensity, I want to feel, and I want to live and love fully right now — I am under no illusion that this is without risk of pain to myself and others — I know only that I must.
Questions abound, and in pensive moments I sometimes fear I have thrown out the moral compass with the bath water, but then it didn’t belong to me anyway.
Should you find yourself in similar circumstances, approaching a personal watershed moment, about to step off the ledge into the fast-track, extreme business of clearing out the debris — the concepts, beliefs and internal processes that have served you well up to this point but restrict your expansion into greatness (and it’s got to go — attachments and all); should you feel even halfway ready to begin creating the masterpiece of your one true life exactly how you want it — then do it.
I offer you these insights with a sincere wish for your biggest fulfillment and happiness.
This stuff isn’t for babies.
You’ll feel out of control, lost in dark confusion, you’ll crave comfort and familiarity, you’ll want to go back in time to a simpler place before all this deep inquiry began, back to where everything was usual and life felt normal and you could handle it, but it’ll be too late.
Once you’ve started the game of accepting life exactly how it comes, in order to receive the fullest, deepest, most high-definition version of it and yourself that you could ever imagine, it’s almost impossible to turn back, knowing as you do, that if you return to the fluffy confines of all you once knew, you’d be selling yourself short and playing small when instead you could be free.
I fall in love with freedom every time I encounter it in a human form — captivated by a free spirit embodied — I crave it, ravenous for the nourishment it provides, I up my game to taste more of it.
Relating with one such free man whom I love unreservedly, I unraveled the explanation and directions contained in this section of my own map to freedom. Finding new ways of understanding our dialogue has explicitly altered my perception, fragments of consciousness emerging.
Although I’m tenacious and strong, a pathological impatience and a beginner’s clumsiness often result in my progress towards freedom feeling painstakingly slow and unbelievably rough, for me and for others close by.
This is written with deep love and gratitude for the ones who got caught in the initial storm with me, may we all find our true path.
Traits of the free man
1. Always puts himself first.
The free man knows that the person responsible for his life — and whatsoever meaning, joy and fulfillment to be found in it — is him and he fully intends to get maximum bang for his buck.
Although he’s essentially kindhearted, and will help you if asked, he won’t usually volunteer assistance, preferring instead to facilitate processes that maneuver you along into also taking full responsibility for your own shit.
Tough love personified; the results of interacting with him range from devastating to transformational.
In my experience, devastating is a temporary stop; the tumbling away of old patterns, beliefs and expectations is ugly and hurts like fuck, so be brave enough to go there when you’re ready, but don’t stay — there’s no requirement for it — move on through, get back up with your learning, remember your true worth and shine, stop playing small; you’re stronger than you imagine.
2. He is super-flexible.
He adjusts smoothly and quickly from one situation to the next — in a heartbeat — no matter how disparate. Whatever methods he’s drawn upon to hone this skill are a red herring — it’s not necessarily in the method, it’s the practice and application.
The capability to move and flow in this way is a key determinant in how easy and enjoyable your life feels. Clinging to expectations and agendas might create a limited sense of control, but it’s illusory. On a universal scale, we are a grain of sand on the ocean floor.
The willingness to be moved, to change your mind, and to accept things you weren’t expecting, will ease your transit through life and help you know freedom, expanding the possibilities open to you in unimaginable ways, making the whole thing bigger, brighter and fuller.
Experience of this fluctuates in proportion to your mental discipline, which provides the ability to contain it, so it’s essential you do the work that keeps you centered and grounded (whatever form that may take), and from that place, practice your emotional and mental flexibility on a daily basis.
3. He knows what he wants.
The free man is blissfully alone. Having no ties, he is at liberty to follow and act on his curiosity without restriction.
Untethered by the usual, self-imposed and culturally-defined constraints associated with couples or families, he creates his own parameters on a daily, if not minute-by-minute basis — they are fluid, transient and easily moved.
If you encounter him while adhering to fairly rigid structures and cultural norms, this can be dangerously disruptive.
The free man with a lust for life voraciously seeks out new and diverse experiences, exposure to which provides a huge volume of emotional, mental and physical knowledge that quickly shape his development and lead to resilience, strong intellect and a somewhat macro-cosmic concept of self (easy to theorize about, much harder to deal with in practice) which is naturally congruent with his affinity for freedom.
Knowledge of the self becomes available to us via experiences (our bodies, senses, minds).
The more you experience, the more open-minded you become, and with experience being gathered faster than most, he instinctively moves toward or away from certain people, situations and circumstances with grace — almost as if he is so firmly on course that what he wants, finds him (the Law of Attraction on steroids).
This man directs himself with intention and confidence in an effortless flow.
It can seem that he is seeking out and getting exactly what he wants due to the fact that people and circumstance generally gravitate towards him in a favorable way (whether this be in the form of business deals, beautiful women or unusual and exciting happenings — the content is irrelevant).
But being open to whatever arises, knowing who you are and thus what you want, then consistently putting yourself first, tends to have this effect.
A strong center negates some (if not most) of the effect of external forces that might otherwise put you on the back foot, make you wobble, or change course completely, so to be stable and strong with the unassuming confidence of one who has taken their space in this world, engenders the most powerful of responses from your surroundings.
Think of a bulb growing into a plant; the earth moves out of the way to allow its energy through and up.
The plant has just one aim — to get out into the sunlight, to grow, and it will push through tarmac if it has to; if growing is what is happening, then that is what is happening and everything else falls into line with that. There is no argument, no questioning.
Strength and intention anchored in a kind heart, without grasping or greed, grants a healthy flow of good stuff into your life and allows you to weather the temperament of any situation with poise and grace.
Things we want are just footholds on the mountain of becoming, something to push against or hold on to temporarily, while continuing the climb — another way of delineating that which we are and that which we are not in the ceaseless search for self; a way to lead us back (eventually) to the love that is our true nature, which unequivocally confirms we are all things.
There is no doubt that this is the ultimate essence that everyone is searching to return to.
4. Women fall in love with him.
In simple terms, what’s not to love about this man? He’s supremely confident but not showy, he’s intuitive, insightful, kind, focused and strong. He is clearly in command of himself, a capable warrior.
We seek in others the pieces of ourselves we have abandoned or neglected, entranced by our own reflection in their mirror.
There is no more tempting a prospect, no more satisfying a hit, than reuniting with those long forgotten aspects of self in a different form, and the subsequent feeling of oneness that propagates.
If that person accepts you fully for who you are now, in the knowledge that you are already whole and elegantly enough, then the process becomes a healing.
He gives a nod to your internal struggle while choosing not to judge or rescue; his familiarity with the human predicament lends him humor and grace.
If you’re weary and off the beaten path to enlightenment when he appears, you’ll trip over your own shadow trying to get some of this magic — thinking he is the source — it’s addictive, potent and expensive.
You’ll likely think you’re in love with him as he illuminates the reflection of your true nature back at you and rests the weight of his attention on your tender vulnerabilities.
When he says he loves you or he’s in love with you, he means it too, but not in the way you’re used to — he’s in that place of love in himself, of total acceptance, where he can see what you’re made of, even though you can’t. He’s there, knowing your substance before you recognize it.
When I say expensive, I mean that you’ll sacrifice your fantasies of keeping him nearby, release all previously accepted paradigms that involve trading of safely kept insecurities for mutual flattery, momentarily lose your sanity attempting to figure the meaning of his words when the simplicity of them is astounding if you would only believe it.
This is not the vernacular used to propitiate, but the absolute, the existential, a way of affirming our shared humanity — all that you are, I am too.
When it finally clicks that there is nothing he can give you that you don’t already have, you will see the whole love story, and see that it is you who is falling back in love with your long-lost self.
5. He enjoys the process (or plays the long game).
The free man knows it’s all about the journey and there is no end goal, only a series of moments, all as valid as each other. This might seem at first that he cares about nothing, equitable on this scale — he can be hard to fathom.
You might even imagine him as nihilistic for his refusal to give import to traditional morals, ideas and beliefs, living instead from his own map of whatever feels right, right now.
A huge contrast to the way most people have organized their lives, he has no delusions that anything is other than how it should already be. This can feel violent to encounter, the observer sometimes tinged with jealousy or outrage at his lack of propriety.
But he’s not bent on destruction — quite the opposite — creativity, discovery and growth light his fire; they are the expression of his closely held notion that this life is precious and to be enjoyed fully.
Once you see this, you’ll notice how everything matters to him as much as everything doesn’t, each experience rich in all its pieces and a composite part of the process. He is a delicious paradox, walking his own path.
Staggeringly uninvolved in preferred outcomes, choosing instead to maintain unequivocal trust that whatever transpires is precisely what was meant to be, he is a master at equanimity.
This vast, unwavering perspective on our relatively short lives breeds a forbearance for difficulties that is unmatched, enabling us to be steadfast when required, and to yield as necessary with the firmness to trust our own choices and intuit right action in any context.
It develops our capacity for enjoying what is rather than striving for what is not, and as this capacity increases, so does our ability to comprehend and experience beauty, joy and love.
A free man — if he has finesse and a good heart — will hold the door open for you to a life that is intense and rich and absolutely true.
If you are strong enough to walk through it on your own and choose the biggest understanding of your own existence, then living the fullest expression of your life becomes an inevitable certainty.
The strong intention to create your own story, and articulate that which would not exist without you, supports the ongoing task of becoming rooted in your own magnificence and freedom, able to own your place in the universe.
Stepping into our greatness helps us experience the infinite love that all forms are comprised of — what you are, I am also. Soham.
Be magnificent, be free and always be in love.
“We are all just walking each other home.” ~ Ram Dass
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Jemima House is a yogini and writer who experiences regular bouts of unbearable lightness and needs to be upside down a lot. Walking the tightrope between angelically mellow and devilishly stubborn, she is a wandering star with a big heart. Also the owner of Positive Living UK, a unique network supporting and inspiring people in living their passion.
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