The Only Way I Know How to Let Go of You.
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The past few months have been a time of rapid transformation. It all began with a small nagging inside that something wasn’t right.
On the outside, things probably looked perfect to other people. I had a seemingly amazing job with great health benefits and salary, I had just moved into a beautiful apartment with my boyfriend of over a year and we had just adopted a kitten. I guess I could say that the feeling started creeping up before I decided to commit to an apartment with him.
In the spaces of silence between each other, there was always something there that told me that our energies were not matching. Something was off. I found myself constantly asking, “Is this it?” I wondered, “Is this going to be the rest of my life?” Looking back, I see that I was avoiding my truth.
A dear friend once told mee, “The answer is in your question.” This resonated with me and it also scared the hell out of me. I knew it was true, but I wanted to find out what those questions meant.
I would ask everyone for advice and for their opinion at this time, but I knew on a deep, intuitive level, that I was the only one who could unlock the answers to my questions. It was my mystery to uncover and my decision to make.
The one thing about my apartment was that it had an attic that I was able to create into a Yoga studio. My boyfriend at the time honored this for me, and helped me to create the space and make it my own. I began practicing Yoga in there a lot, and knew that it was soon time to start meditating.
Another close friend of mine was going through a similar experience, and told me how meditation had helped her profoundly. I had this fear of meditation. I was afraid of the dark. On some level, I think I was afraid of what I might realize and what I would actually have to face once the truth was uncovered.
During one of the first times meditating in the attic, I saw a book in my mind’s eye. It was a book that had been recommended to me a few years ago by another great friend. The book was “The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times“ by Pema Chodron. I knew it was a sign that I was meant to read it.
That was one of the amazing experiences I had during meditation. Although I was afraid, I knew I had to stick with it to get through this time of inner turmoil and self-discovery. One day, while I was meditating up there, I had a vision that a huge angel came to my side, wrapped his wings around me and told me that everything was going to be okay.
It was such a feeling of unconditional love and security. It was so peaceful and I believed that it really was going to be okay; I burst into tears. It was like a million pounds of weight had been released.
The truth became clearer and clearer. I knew that I was going to have to make a decision in integrity and based in my truth. I loved this boyfriend so much; I still have love for him in my heart. Making a decision to leave someone is no easy feat, even when you know it is the right thing for you. I knew that I had love for him, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
I loved his family. I was grateful for all of the experiences, but I knew that our energies were not matching. I knew that I had to leave the relationship with love and respect to honor my highest good. I knew I couldn’t love him on the level that he deserved to be loved. I did it for the highest good for both of us.
Leaving my apartment and leaving my comfort zone with him was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Like I mentioned before, a lot of people seemed to be surprised when they found out. Things seemed perfect. But, they weren’t. I am sure that I could’ve stayed and things would have been fine. We would have been comfortable.
Comfortable is not how I want to live my life, though. I want to be happy and fulfilled.
Changes always bring about great pain. What can we do during these moments of pain? This wasn’t the first time I had to make a decision like this. There was another break-up a few years ago. We were self-destructive together. The passion and the fire was there but it was unmanageable. It was insane.
We were destroying ourselves together because we were so attached. I had to end that relationship as well. The circumstances were different but the pain was similar to this recent ending. There were so many questions at that time as well. Why couldn’t we make it work? Why? Why? Why? For years, I resented him. I overanalyzed and beat myself up.
The only way I knew how to let go of him was to pray for him. It didn’t seem to make sense when I first heard it. I was actually angry to hear that! Why should I pray for his well-being? I had to trust in the action and just do it. I realized that the more I prayed for him, the more my anger dissolved into love. I mean, there was always love there.
I learned that the love I had for him was more of an attachment and not an unconditional love. I started to actually wish for him to have a beautiful life and to find love again. I forgave him. Most importantly, I forgave myself through the process.
So, here I was again, at this same painful place. Luckily, I had the tools and the experience from before. The only way I know how to let go of him or of anyone or anything is to pray for them. It is to show them love. I have learned that it is with love that all things can be achieved.
I send love out to all of the beautiful people I have had the pleasure of interacting with. Even the difficult relationships and experiences. I pray for all of it and for all of them. It is the only way I know how to get through any pain.
In the end, we all deserve unconditional love and a life that brings us true joy and happiness.
*****
{Pray for Me}
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