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Pain Walked In Holding Someone Else’s Hand.

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The pain took over my throat. I refused to let myself breathe. My heart had taken control of my body.

It was breaking fast and yet so slowly. I was lost in a moment that seemed like it was forever and only getting longer. The valleys that were being drilled into my heart reached my soul and tore it apart. It carved its way into my chest and made havoc for a resting place.

The pain took over my eyes. An ocean was born and the forecast didn’t just predict rain, it predicted summer’s worst hurricane. Water levels rose and disaster was spewed in my sight.

We made direct eye contact and I sent rivers into his eyes that reflected nothing but shadows of the abyss that is our past. There was nothing left but the smoke of a memory that burned years ago.

The pain took over my mind. In this moment I had attended the funeral of my heart after watching it die from the inside out. I saw everything in my past scroll through my head and it fought against rationale and won. It won. The pain won, and I really hoped it would not.

I’d hoped that my mind would be stronger than it was. That it would fight a little harder than to just instantly bruise.

The pain took over my heart. The cracks I had filled in time suddenly reappeared, and it lost all of its structure. It crumbled like a cookie, but I had lost all appetite. It broke all over again. The pieces went through my veins to remind every single little part of me what it felt like to hurt again.

What it felt like to bleed internally with an endless amount of misery.

The pain took over my soul. It fell off of the cloud I had formed of hope. It tumbled and I lost everything it worked for — it turned feeble and weak enough to leave my body. It left me because it could not handle the pain. It could not handle this again.

So soulless I walk and soulless I sleep, because there was too much heartbreak in its wake, it had to find another body to take.

The pain took over me, completely. I was lost in naïve reverie. All the nights I dreamed of something different. All the days I was convinced of something else. All the words I wrote so delicately stitched with hope.

All of it gone, infinitely gone, in the one moment the past became my present and the future seemed so dire. I don’t know why I was blind about the fact that I was no longer stoking that fire.

So I sit in a cloud of smoke of my own despair. I cannot breathe. I cannot see. I cannot move because I feel. I feel too much. I feel too deep. I feel everything I wish I never would, again. I feel heartbreak and made the mistake of not being prepared once more.

I made the mistake to pretend that this moment would not come. Pain had knocked on my door, but I ignored him for too long.

So pain knocked it down, and walked in holding someone else’s hand. Holding someone’s hand that was not mine and looked directly at me. Pain told me, clearly, you were never right for me. And that was it.

Pain walked away with his future in his hand, and left me to crumble, to break, and to melt into my lonely sorrow. Pain had found me again just to tell me he had gone.

So I saw you with someone new, in that moment it was only pain that I knew.

 

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