Pain Is The Alchemy Of The Human Spirit.
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It’s 4:44 am. Repeating numbers. Synchronicity.
A sign from the Divine that angels are all around me and I finally have the strength and faith to share some hard truths.
I chose the spiritual path of healing myself so that I may help others, not knowing how painful the training would actually be. After years of working on myself, I decided to have a shamanic clearing done.
I have chosen the path to learn from healers and from shamans, so I felt this a necessary part of my process. We cannot give things to others that we do not have within ourselves. In healing ourselves, we can heal others, too.
This deep cleanse of my mind, body and spirit forced out personal demons that were with me for a very long time. The emotional sludge that oozed out humbled me. It grounded me. It slashed my ego, leaving me with no choice but to fill the spaces with unconditional love.
Alchemy is the seemingly magical process of transformation, creation or combination. Pain does this for me; it’s the only thing that motivates me to change. The most negative experiences can be used to turn old ideas, values and belief systems into gold. We are constantly evolving Be-ings.
We shed layers if we choose to work on ourselves and grow towards the ascension of the Higher Self. We have the free will to transmute our darkness into light. As I faced my truth, I began to say goodbye to the old me.
My feelings were heightened for weeks after the healing. My patterns and defects glared at me. Every person who had ever hurt me came to my mind. I was in a frenzy of all kinds of emotions. I had nightmares. And I cried a shit ton.
People who served as mirrors for me pissed me off. The things that I saw in them were things about myself that bothered me and I became tired. I am tired of settling. I am tired of saying Yes to things when I really mean No.
I am tired of being afraid to say No at the expense of what someone or what society will think of me. I am tired of making excuses for unhealthy men for the sake of my peace.
I want to talk about something that is seemingly taboo. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I know it wasn’t my purpose to come to Earth to make people feel comfortable. I am here to inspire others to act in such a way that positive changes can come about.
I know that all of my experiences have molded me into who I am today. I am here to say that I have experienced sexual harassment of varying levels almost my entire life. I am careful not to call myself a victim, although technically I have been the victim many a time.
I choose to not allow the term victim to imprison me anymore. I choose to use my experiences so that maybe they can help someone else to their own freedom.
Recently, a guy that I am not interested in asked me out. I politely told him No. It’s hard as hell for me to cause anyone unnecessary pain, so I try to do things in the nicest way possible. I shouldn’t have to compromise my personality to make a point.
I shouldn’t have to need to be a bitch for you to receive the message. One night, while my back was turned, he came up too close behind me and rubbed my shoulders. I mean I could feel him behind me. This behavior was completely unwarranted and unwanted. I had already told him No.
I felt a power surge of anger flare up in my chest and told him to never touch me again. It ignited a fire that illuminated the truth — that this has happened to me way too many times to count. I even recently had a man message me unwanted oversexualized messages.
I have never even met this guy, and when I asked him to stop, he told me to let me be… a man. I’ve had someone literally curse me out when I tried to set boundaries with him.
This type of behavior doesn’t exhibit manhood. For me, it exhibits disrespect and cowardice. And it makes my blood boil.
I have always passively accepted that sometimes shit just happens, keeping my mouth shut in fear or being labeled a bitch or even a prude. I suppose I am afraid of what the reactions will be if I do speak up. I kept choosing to forfeit my boundaries by allowing people to do things like this without speaking up.
I talked to unavailable men, ignoring their real attachments. I engaged in unhealthy behaviors, and in doing so, I denied myself of what I deserve. I ignored my own internal fire just to avoid controversy, conflict or being called horrible names.
It took a long time and some serious anger to learn how to set boundaries and to speak up. I allowed myself to feel the blaze that I needed to feel in order for me to learn how to establish my boundaries. It is damn important to feel all of it.
I allowed for the fire of pain to burn out, and on the other side of it all I felt infinite love and gratitude for all of the people who had ever hurt me. I stopped judging. I used to want to understand why people do what they do. I also realized that I can set boundaries without an explanation.
I don’t need to explain why I do what I do. I am allowed to be free to make my own choices based on self-respect, whether you like it or not.
I’ve also concluded that it isn’t up to me how people act. I am completely powerless over what they do. I am only in control of myself. We are all on different parts of the journey. It’s between them and whomever they might choose to believe in.
And, if they don’t believe in anything, it is whomever is looking out for them because we all have someone or something. I feel this with all that I am.
Gratitude led to forgiveness. Forgiveness has saved me from a personal hell of emotions a million times over. I faced the choice to risk going through the pain all over again or to grow from it.
From the strength of forgiveness, I had the courage to change the things about myself that I didn’t want to compromise anymore. I chose freedom, and I still choose it. I began to rebuild myself from a place of love and light, self-respect, dignity and grace.
There are things that I refuse to put up with because they are things that go against what I believe in anymore. I feel more solid and grounded in the woman that I am today.
I am the love that I deserve today and I know I am worth my weight in gold.
*****
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