10 Things I Learned From My Polyamorous Relationship
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“I’ve been through Reno, I’ve been through Beverly Hills, and I’m here.
Reefers and vino, Mahjong, religion, and pills, and I’m here…” ~ Stephen Sondheim, “I’m Still Here”
At age 61, I’ve reached a point in life where I’m largely defined by what I no longer am.
I am no longer a sexually abused child. I am no longer a physically abused wife. I’ve raised a child with a disability and set him up in independent living. I’ve been married twice, once to a man and once to a woman. I’ve received spousal support and I have paid spousal support.
I’ve taught Physics in an urban school where my best student tried to set off a homemade bomb in the classroom. I’ve vanquished an infestation of chicken mites in my home (no joke).
When I tell writer friends about my life, they invariably respond in hushed tones with Great material.
Most recently, I tried being polyamorous for two years and realized it was not for me. I loved a sweet balding nerd in an open marriage, who re-imagined himself as a poly sex god and made it happen, complete with red silk dressing gown and a hundred-thousand-dollar dungeon.
I am thrilled by ambition, truly, but in this case find it best to cheer from afar.
I adored this man. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. In fact, I couldn’t do it until my daughters intervened and pointed out I was ruining myself chasing a diminishing number of crumbs.
Grief is individual. Some people find crying and mourning healing. To me it feels like a pit. Once I fall into that pit, the best way out is to create something from the grief. Turn lemons into lemonade.
I put together the Post Poly Project and began to write my story and to collect other stories of Poly alumnae from the web. I’m actively seeking contributions from emerging voices in the community. Ideally, the site will become a clearinghouse for Post Poly resources.
Every major life experience is an education. Here is what I’ve learned so far from this one:
1. Polyamory is a culture with a set of norms and expectations.
It has its own therapists, its own conferences and organizations. It has a proselytizing literature. When you are inside Poly culture, your expectations for yourself and for relationships can shift.
A person who finds it difficult to maintain boundaries in a relationship may find it even more difficult to maintain boundaries in a relationship that is inside Poly culture.
2. Jealousy is not a problem within one person.
Jealousy is a problem within a relationship. If one person gets assigned to do all the work of the relationship, that is a problem.
3. Love yourself first.
You are your first priority. Know what you will and will not accept. Don’t do something with which you are not comfortable.
4. Children are Not Obligated to Accept Their Parent’s Polyamory.
My previous ex, the Brilliant Charming Bastard, is fond of saying We volunteer for the job but our kids get drafted. Taking care of our children is tied for first place with taking care of ourselves
An anonymous teen blogged this after her parents and their girlfriend showed up for a parent-teacher conference at her Catholic school, holding hands:
I should be happy because I’ve got three ‘parents’, but I’m miserable. I’m begging them to send me to boarding school overseas, so I can experience something normal. I’d rather be continents away than continue to be part of this family. I hate being around their girlfriend, and it’s hard to get away from her. She lives with us.
Remember: You are the grown-up.
5. If it stops working, leave.
No matter how wonderful individual moments are, if it doesn’t work overall, it’s not just your opportunity that is lost. You are wasting everyone’s time. In the immortal words of the Goddess of Java (she of The Polyamorous Misanthrope site):
Poly is not martyrdom. If you hate it, if it feels wrong, if you feel dirty or betrayed or like you have to force yourself into something, maybe Poly isn’t for you. It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people.
It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.
6. Monogamy is a precious thing.
It’s refreshing to hear a veteran of Polyamory acknowledge this. Evan Eve, who spent 20 years in the community at Kerista, wrote:
For years I scoffed at people who told me that they wanted to be that one most special person in someone else’s eyes. A mature person, I thought, is beyond such blatant insecurity. Well, whatever. I finally admitted to myself that I did indeed have such a desire… and that there was nothing wrong with it.
No amount of indoctrination can change the fact that to me, success in love includes being the most important person in my lover’s intimate life.
7. Being demoted can be worse than being fired.
The great and terrible thing about a polyamorous relationship is that it doesn’t have to end. Great: Even if your lover falls in love with someone else, your relationship can continue. Terrible: There is no closure. Your sweetheart can disappear a little at a time, like the Cheshire Cat, until there is nothing left but the smile. And, smiling, still tell you they love you. Comes a time when you just want this person you love to be gone. Totally gone.
8. Loving somebody else’s husband is a really bad idea.
The average person could tick off a dozen reasons why this is true. Slapping an Open Relationship label on a marriage makes some of those reasons go away. Not all of them.
9. Sex means different things to different people.
Ask 10 people what sex means and listen to their answers. Then consider which answers you’d want to hear from someone you might have sex with.
10. The best sex of your life is not worth ruining you life over.
It’s just not. Give it up.
Some of this may seem obvious, but what is obvious takes on new life when you live it. And again when you write it.
* If you are happily Poly, blessings on you.
* If you are a Poly alumna, let’s talk.
* If you are Mono but like to read about Poly as if you were rubbernecking an accident, enjoy.
* If you are considering Poly, read everything you can, pro and con, before you take the leap. And get out your keyboard — the only guarantee is that you’ll have stories to tell.
May you and yours be well.
“I am happy to have left behind the subliminal interpersonal/political struggles that were always present in my non-monogamous years.” ~ Evan Eve
*****
Jane Ishka is a scientist and writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her first book, The Year of the Mite, will be published by Biting Duck Press later this year. She blogs about mites and about Polyamory. Jane is a mother and grandmother, a collage artist, and an occasional preacher at a little church for atheists.
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