Learning To Live The Questions Of My Heart.
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“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” ~ Rumi
Balanced between worlds, I walk. Shifting from one foot to the other, swaying in and out of each.
Reality casts a shadow against the soft background of my dreams.
My life is a paradox, a simultaneous craving of movement and stability, human connection and solitude. I understand everything, but realize that I know nothing. I have discovered the most profound secrets of the Universe, yet I am constantly trying to figure out the answers to the question of my own simple existence.
I dangle between here and there, mortality and infinity, the earth and the stars. I belong everywhere and nowhere all at once. My heart and my head vigorously tug at life, the way a dog would attempt to wrestle a stick from your hand.
I have a wild, polyamorous love for places and ways of being, which dictate most of my decisions and wage a constant war inside me.
Cities hold magic and movement, people and stories; they throb and pulse with their own life force. They are the human-brain centers of the world, spurting information, ideas and inspiration via street-veins and heart-transmissions.
They hold the possibilities of chance encounters and opportunities; lovers find each other among them, eyes meet over crowds and coffees, conversations start in queues. Friends and strangers collect together in parks and across tables laden with food, wine and memories.
Yet, the stillness of nature always draws me into her loving arms; I am enticed by her peaceful pace, her patience and her open, inviting heart. There’s nothing that compares to the hypnotic rolling of waves against the shore, or the strange sense of comfort you feel in forests as if you are surrounded by old friends.
Mountains call to somewhere deep within me; they sit like monks, meditating against the skies, enlightened mounds of rock and trees and creeks. Their ancient wisdom spans back to the beginning of time. Their lessons are found in their gentle presence; like holy men they wait for the students to appear.
They teach us to be still, to trust, and to just be.
No one ever left the wilderness without learning something about his or her own self.
This juxtaposition of chaos versus stillness has been a repeating theme of my life. It is a reflection of my inner world; I am two beings contained within one body. I contain opposing desires; I am made of thunderstorms and placid lakes. I am part hurricane, part gentle river, wild yet grounded.
I want the vibrancy and romance of cities and the open road, yet I ache for the spellbound calm of laying deep roots in wild open landscape.
I am perpetually pulled in a thousand different directions by the hypnotic lure of wanderlust and a deep longing to experience everything I can, to see the whole world in all her forms and expressions, yet I also crave a sweet, settled life in a simple house, somewhere beautiful.
How do you balance the desire to constantly move, with that of building something solid somewhere? Or the urge for aloneness, with that of heartfelt connection and community?
How do you hold busy streets, music and the heady buzz of city life in your heart, alongside the soulful call for the silence and stillness of sun-kissed hills and lush, sleepy valleys?
This state of flux between solitude vs company is one that has haunted me since my childhood. I flit between being highly social and not-so-social. On some days I want to be alone, absorbing internal wisdom, existing in perfect symbiosis with my surroundings, seeking stillness, conversing with my heart in silence.
Reflecting, dreaming, writing, imagining and just being, become my rituals on these quiet days; I am able to delve deep into my own psyche and piece together the picture puzzle of my life, from the scraps of wisdom offered by my heart.
On other days I am brimming with energy and eager to immerse myself in the world. I’ll find a new friend on every corner; I’ll laugh and marvel at all the joy in the world; everything is bright and inviting like I’m a child in a toy store.
On these days I want to be part of it all; I want to know everyone’s story; I want to share everyone’s pain; I want us to sit together and form something larger than each of us is capable of imagining. On these days I know we need human connection; I feel our shared history.
On these days I long for community and uninhibited conversations and unconditional love.
Each day is a new concept; I can’t predict if I’ll be homesick for another world altogether, or if I’ll be so totally immersed in this one that I’d want to kiss the ground in gratitude.
The answer (if there is ever an answer) is to be true to the very moment that you are experiencing right now, and sink so deeply into it, that the future and past dissolve. Reality and dreams merge, and our head and heart become one, existing in unison.
What I’ve come to realize is that it’s all so much simpler than we think; yet we seem to contain so much, feel so much, and are made up of so much. So many people, so many experiences, questions and expectations, so many dreams unlived and lives not yet begun.
How can we process all of that?
The truth is, we need to give ourselves a break and ease up on all the pressure we put ourselves under to get everything right. Is there ever such a thing as the right thing to do? I don’t believe there is. There are only the questions of the heart: what the heart wants and what the heart does not want. Life is so simple under those terms.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart… live in the question.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
It doesn’t matter if we haven’t yet learned how to hear our heart’s questions or decipher her words; it is a process, and it comes with patience and a deeper understanding of our own bodies and of that magic tug of intuition that sits in our stomachs. That deep, ancient knowing. These feelings are a compass to guide us.
We’re all trapped between movement and stillness, love and fear, cities and wilderness, here and there, reality and dreams.
We need to learn to let go and trust. It doesn’t matter if we can’t yet see the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if we don’t know all of the answers. The more we understand that we don’t know anything at all, the easier it is to be free.
What feels good for you right now? What makes your heart skip and leap in this moment? What makes your soul cry out for more as you read this? Follow that. It doesn’t matter what happens next; it’s always where we’re supposed to be or what we’re supposed to do. You see, there is no wrong. There is heart-led or nothing.
Our hearts always win; they always lead us home.
“Don’t think. It complicates things. Just feel, and if it feels like home, then follow its path.” ~ R.M. Drake
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