You Cracked Me Open So I Could Find Myself.
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I’ve always known, since I was a little girl, that there was something I needed to contribute to the world, yet I wasn’t quite part of the world either.
I was always awkwardly different, a loner, shy to my core yet inherently curious. Perhaps you can relate to those feelings too?
I used to craft miniature villages made out of bark and sticks while sitting in the dirt, my favorite companion, my dog, by my side. I made mud pies and went fossicking for cool rocks and other treasures. I used thorny sticks to pen a note to my best friend on big leaves — nature’s finest paper!
This connection to the earth, to the dirt and to the trees is something I packed away and hid under my metaphorical bed as I struggled to survive a difficult family life, adolescence and early adulthood. Hiding became second nature to me because…
… I was scared to death of what people would find if I allowed myself to be truly seen. I had learnt some difficult lessons around this growing up, as many of us did.
So I hid myself away, both physically and emotionally. I refused to let people close enough to know me. Perhaps because I felt there was very little to know. Perhaps because if I looked people in the eyes, I would be afraid of what would stare out at them.
I hid my wonderful, natural body underneath baggy androgynous clothes, and hid my face in books and my journal. There I remained for 20 years. Weathering the storm, so to speak.
I started to sync up to my inner knowing and the world again in my early thirties. In the lead up to my awakening (my cracking open), the synchronicities were overwhelming. Every day, there would be something.
Whether it was the 11:11s and other number combinations, recurring dreams, ghostly whispers or the constant breaking of electrical equipment if I was in a bad mood, it was enough to make me sit up and listen. I just didn’t know what I was listening to (or for) at the time.
These clues were clearly not enough, and it seems the Universe had another, less subtle, way of getting my attention. One by one, the lights turned off in my life and the sledgehammer came out. Again and again.
I remember sitting on the green carpet in our living room, head in my hands, crying uncontrollably and screaming at my then partner. Screaming at myself because I’d finally had enough of the old relationship records playing over and over. I was in agony. My head felt like it was made of static.
In between the white noise, I had moments of clarity about the painful relationship finally ending, my past and about nervous breakdowns. I remember him grabbing me, yelling at me, pleading for answers. His eyes full of desperate tears.
This strong, capable man was on his knees trying to help with all of his might. I remembered being abandoned several years prior by another lover. I remembered why the walls were there and why I was hiding. My flesh was raw and exposed and my nerves were on fire. I fought and fought and punched my way through the smoke…
Unbeknownst to me at the time, this was the sledgehammer that cracked me.
Over the next four years, my body pulled down the hatches, locked and bolted itself in and refused to come out as I dealt with new sensitivities and as I purged myself of toxins. I was also purging psychologically as I fell into an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the lessons of which hit me with yet another sledgehammer.
The Universe pushed me to learn so I could finally turn off the record that had been playing for the last 30 years. So I could finally switch my lights on again, one by one.
When my lights finally started to flicker, I remembered. I remembered that the Universe had chosen a path for me that was difficult and in fact, there had been many shake-ups and sledgehammer moments. But right now, right now I felt equipped to wake up and listen. Perhaps I’m a slow learner, or a deep sleeper. I had to be shaken… hard.
I believe that no one can fully learn the lessons of this infinite Universe in one lifetime, and I am still very much in communion with my soul as I begin to discover her beauty and her story. I read daily about the wonders of the spirit in the comfort of a little place I now call home, surrounded by a tiny tribe whom I love honestly and fiercely.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes the earthly life feels like a suit that’s too tight or too loose? Sometimes I struggle to feel part of this body I’ve been given as I’m pulled towards my higher purpose. Somehow it doesn’t seem to fit; I don’t seem to fit. The only difference between now and then is that I am now more comfortable with the discomfort. I understand why it’s there.
Despite this, somehow I just know that this is what I signed up for. It can be a lonely journey, to say the least. It’s only just now that I have emerged, rubbing my eyes in the light with a sense of warmth and peace. I am still wobbling around, and now and then I fall over. I still cry.
I still go all weirdy-wild-woman and retreat to my Lady Cave, but I have emerged a more feminine, more openly vulnerable and fiercely resilient woman. I am definitely part of the universal shift that is happening, and I am so excited and so thankful that I finally got here.
Now the journey really begins.
*****
Amanda Davies is a great believer in the human spirit and the body’s ability to heal itself. She has found her way to these pages as a result of the Universe cracking her open in ways she never knew possible! Amanda believes the mind and body seek out balance at all times, giving us clues about what we should do to achieve this — all we need to do is listen and ask for help at the right moments in our life. Originally from the sunny shores of Sydney, Amanda now lives in glorious London which has been her home for eight years. You can follow her on Twitter.
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