How Motherhood Purified My Ego And Gave Me Hope For A Better Future.
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My entire world was shaken at once, I was helplessly dropped into a dark pit.
I felt betrayed and disappointed by the world around me — by my peers, my parents, by humanity and by god. This emotional turbulence drove me far from my center, washed away the vibrant innocence and my effable, kind nature. I was enveloped with anger, sadness and fear.
Numbing the pain was the only way left, so I stripped off my morality, my integrity, my values, and there, without guilt, rules, or consequences, I felt better since those did not seem to make a difference anyway.
Without justice or a divine intervention to set order and shed light in the dark, I decided to seek acceptance among those who rejected me; I was seeking power to prove them they were wrong, and in this new venture I became emotionally detached.
Wearing a mask sober was excruciating, so I had to use psychedelics to distract me from the deep pain and the profound yearning for justice. I felt unutterable contempt for those whom I considered close to me. They let me down and I was alone in this emotional turmoil.
Time passed, I got used to the mask, and came to love the ignominy of vice. Motherhood came to me by surprised, and when I found out that I am about to be a mother, I knew that I have to shed all the layers of defense to become better, to give my child a better existence.
I began to meditate heavily and found where in my body I was storing the pain. It was crumbling in my throat, strangling me. I was never upfront with anyone in my life since I was a people-pleaser; I never set boundaries, never spoke my mind.
I vowed that I will find the strength in me to put my foot down and teach my daughter to do the same. So I began to observe my emotions and witness the effect they have on my thoughts and behavioral patterns. It was time to find stability, which was my biggest fear.
I had to let go of all that I was clinging to — alcohol, cigarettes, psychedelics, sleeping pills, staying up late, and having no game plan.
After a lot of work, I was able to forgive my parents, learn from their mistakes, and ask them for forgiveness. I acknowledged the good and the bad they did, and by learning from their mistakes I figured out what kind of parent I want to be. Then, I was flooded with love — for the little seed that was growing inside me.
I wanted to be a better person, the best version of me. I realized it was my inner child screaming for love, screaming for justice and empathy, and once I listened, I was able to rise above all doubts and gain very powerful insights about parenthood.
Once I reconnected with my inner child, I was able to see the inner child in others and understand their actions better.
Being a mother forced me to step into the shadow and delve into the darkness of my own subconscious abyss. I had to pick old wounds to look for a clue, I had to plunge into the unknown in the hope for some revelation. I had to relive all the emotions.
I had to look inside and acknowledge that I am not better than anyone, and that my worldview is quite idealistic, and then I found the capacity to love — the capacity to feel love towards all beings. Being a mom transformed the way I see nature; I look at it with reverence and admire every leaf, every ray of light, and every grain of sand.
I found a balance between two opposing forces within me — the ego that was seeking revenge, adventure and power, and the lofty aspect of me that seeks justice and peace. Purifying the ego, moving beyond my sensual nature, and softening the justice-seeking, lofty aspect of myself, helped me to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
It helped me to sense the connection between everything around me, and gave me hope for a better future.
Being pregnant was my chance to finally accept myself — to embrace my dual nature and bring the two opposing forces inside me together. First finding out who I really am without the masks, without the defenses, and then working towards becoming the individual I want to be.
Once in a while the depression and anxiety take over me, but looking at her little face makes the struggle worth it. Knowing that I am everything for her gives me the courage to move forward.
*****
Veta R‘s addiction to writing began at the age of five when she received her first diary. Since then, she has been blogging, writing poems and short stories. When she is not writing, she is reading, teaching Yoga, and playing with her four-year-old daughter. She writes to explore the subconscious realms of her mind and to amuse herself and others. Her all-time favorite authors are Dostoevsky, Tolstoy and Margaret Atwood.
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