Maybe It’s Not About The Happy Ending.
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When he leaves you with what feels like nothing, try and take refuge in your own care, for no one can give you what you need as well as you.
Try and draw from the deep well inside of yourself, quench your thirst with your own knowing and observe what gifts have come to you from loving him. For, despite the pain, he has taught you much, even when all feels lost. The lessons will eventually come to the surface and sit like gold at the bottom of your sifting tray.
It may be as simple as witnessing a passion for food or observing the twist he offered to all things creative. You may have learnt his unique dance steps and had his tunes rest in your being. Although you may not be able to claim them and keep them as yours, they are imprinted upon you.
They are there for you to pick up and play with in your new experience as you take fresh steps upon your divine path.
Maybe you learnt to love, this time, with all your heart, and although he doesn’t want to own that gift, it may, without you noticing, have graced your parenting in some way or added to the way you respond to a sibling or a friend.
It may have allowed you to laugh at the little ones’ ways and stroke their cheeks and give them pet names and hold them the way he once held you, with strong arms that made you feel, in that warmth, all was going to be okay.
Maybe holding your children after someone has loved you so much will help them be stronger, less needy adults who seek more balanced relationships, who do not search frantically for attachment, because they already felt a very present kind of love from you.
Maybe you learnt about putting yourself first, about making healthy choices, without gut-wrenching worry for how it might affect everyone else. Or perhaps the realization that it’s okay to seek peace and calm in the madness.
Even if you only learnt that there are no guarantees in this life, it is a foundation for many things yet to come and a lesson we could choose to be grateful for.
Maybe he never bought you the flowers you hinted for, that were pointed out to him as you passed them in glistening, silver buckets on the street.
But now that he has walked away, you may notice the flowers that have been at your feet all along: a weed clutched in an infant’s hand on the walk to the beach, flowers from a platonic friend or an old aunts garden, or even the blooms that nature offers you every day, without a need for recognition and praise.
They are for you to appreciate and gather if you so choose, for yourself, because you can give to yourself… without demand or expectation. Allow yourself to be nourished by all the others who give in your life.
When he ends it seemingly without warning, you might look back and see the banquet he once offered you had been gradually reduced to crumbs and your peck-peck-pecking for sustenance had left you wilted and unsatisfied. Maybe he simply could not travel any further.
Take heart, look up to the sky and know that if you fly west, just a little bit, there is a bounty somewhere not so far away. You don’t need to be the duck on a polluted piece of city water, but can take yourself to a tranquil river where trees stroke the rivers edges, and life is full, yet calm.
When he says nothing at all, yet you know in his heart he has left town by the way he doesn’t touch you or acknowledge you or linger long enough when you tell him something important, take heart that it is the truth of this life that the people we love and are attached to may be pulled from our hearts and bodies anyway, through death or dissatisfaction in their own skin
Feel the searing heat from the pin it takes to remove them, even after they have gone and a scar is left behind. This is what reduces us to a state of accepting and allowing and breathing through it. Yes!
Simply breathing, loving, breathing, loving, gratitude, breathing and loving… maybe there is someone near you now who needs this loving, maybe you could lift your eyes from him and offer your banquet to someone else who has only had crumbs.
Know that when he only offers coldness, that the warmth of another’s love never comes with a lifetime guarantee. That suckling at your mother’s breast ends, birds fly on, your birth body changed and grew, your childish form became something more and we can be taken from what we know any day by the ocean, the malfunction of our body or the machines mankind has created.
For each relationship we have is a gateway — a gateway to connection.
This is why what we know may end, because one of us needs to shut that door for a while in order to open another. The gateway to connection could be mutual care or through passion and sexuality, through creating new life, through trust, through darkness.
Our relationships are segments of a whole juicy orange, and each with different meaning and purpose.
What segment was this latest love? What gateway? Trust that this has been the work, and that life is still giving.
Open your weepy, tired eyes. A new door is opening; the light from the door’s edge is growing bigger, brighter. You have another segment of the orange yet to taste.
For we are all trying to find our way home, to the bosom of warm light, where our energies merge in bliss and there are no earthly divides, only connection and radical all-encompassing stillness.
*****
Hana Hall is a woman discovering her true self and the journey never ceases to amaze her! So far she has not managed to define herself by career (though by god she has tried!) yet can call communication, conceptual art and practicing the sacred art of living and letting go some of the arrows in her quiver. She is partial to dance and large fires, and buying fabric that she never does anything with.
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