Dear Universe, Would You Like To Toss Me Around Some More?
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Believe me, I put up a huge fight not to go there. And if I had known the amount of pain cleaning out your basement after decades of neglect gives you, I might still be trying to run.
But something happened to me that was so enormous it made me shatter my whole world.
First, my body gave me months of illness. I kept not wanting to see, not wanting to feel.
My body moved on to suffocation and complete panic.
I have been so well-trained in never listening to myself, but I simply couldn’t do it anymore.
One by one, all my sacred securities fell.
My beloved family really does understand me deep down, and will eventually support me.
Nope. Not going to happen.
Friends I was so well-adjusted to will be there for me. They can give me what I need.
Not true.
My job may be sucking the life out of me, but at least it’s safe. I like the structure and being told what to do.
Again, not true.
I have the perfect marriage, and it will continue to nourish me and take my darkness away until the end of my days.
… you guessed it…
That high sensitivity of mine will eventually go away, and I will become normal at last, if I keep ignoring and punishing it enough.
… indeed…
I have relapsed many times.
I am tired of the endless crying, of yet another painful memory, yet another insecurity I could make everyone including myself believe I didn’t have surfacing, yet another critical voice — parental or other — telling me that all my progress, all my deep inner knowledge, all the wonders I’m experiencing, mean nothing.
And yet… amazing things happen if you do open up to all that festering garbage and pain you didn’t even know was still locked away within and that you certainly never wanted to set eyes on again.
Accept it is there, discover how it will get better, and gradually learn to trust what you have known all along and what has been buried under what should only be white noise to you.
Whenever you are in danger of leaving your path, angels (feel free to insert less religiously tinted term of choice) and signs will appear to gently guide you back and help you see everything is not lost.
You will find energy and strength that you never dreamed of, and you will find it where, like me, you might have expected it least — in yourself.
I grew up a hard-boiled atheist, forever suspicious of everything remotely religious or even just labeled as fate or meant to be.
But the truth is that there really is a universal power, a soothing healing energy that will guide you wherever you need to be if you just learn to trust in what you know beyond all the stuff that school or society teach you.
I have never been more alone in my life, and yet I have never felt less so.
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Epi Phanie is a traveler and lover of art and mythology. She likes kickboxing and producing black and white silent movies. She is lucky enough to live in a tree house surrounded by nature. Rebelle Society has helped her through an immensely difficult time.
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