Today, I Just Want To Be Grateful.
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I’m not going to lie to you.
My life has been one battle after another for quite some time now. And sometimes all I can do is try not to drown.
I started my healing process a few months ago. And there have been countless times when, filled with enthusiasm and hope after having tackled yet another issue, I thought:
Hey, this time it’s really over! I’m done with the crying, from now on there will be nothing but light. Confident and full of love and compassion for myself, I will easily manage every future bump in the road. No more relapsing into old habits. No more unexpected pain. No more needless worrying or beating myself up.
And certainly my situation can’t get any more difficult, can it?
I refuse the Let’s-think-nothing-but-positive challenging. Not to get lost in the details, but we are not talking educative excursion with occasional obstacles here. We are talking full-on difficult on all fronts.
Admitting it is that is an achievement in itself for little old The-show-must-go-on-and-no-one-must-see-the-flaws me by the way.
It is f*cking difficult, and it will continue to be so for quite some time.
I remember mentioning how much worse than expected all this is, and my healer soothingly said, “Yes, but you have managed quite a bit of the road already.”
Quite a bit? Oh. My. God.
The current double lesson the Universe has kicked me into is: Not everything is in your hands. No matter how hard you try, no matter how well you mean, and even worse, Sometimes love really just ain’t enough.
These have been, by far, the toughest revelations for me. (At least it can’t get worse than that, can it? Please?)
They break my heart. They keep me awake at night, and I really struggle to accept them and not bang my head against the same wall over and over again.
But today, I just want to be grateful.
Grateful for finding my bike exactly where I left it last night — in front of an Amsterdam train station.
(Those of you who know the city will understand what a miracle that is. Yes, even with the two expensive locks I have on my rusty old two-wheeled companion…)
Grateful for the tiny family I had the most heartwarming of Christmas dinners with.
For the one who is always there for me even after I had to leave our shared world.
The friends who are still with me now that everything has changed.
The one who unleashed my creativity and more.
The healer walking with me while I tend to my wounds.
The good we are surrounded by.
Nature and the magic of the elements.
The colleague who opened her heart and her apartment to me when I needed it most.
All the angels who have crossed my path, each bringing their own light and knowledge into my life, even if visiting just briefly.
The wonder that my body is.
The incredible resilience and self-healing power residing within.
The beauty of colors, of shapes, of words and music.
Good wholesome food. And all the other things we are able to make ourselves, and to share with others.
Plants growing out of tiny seeds.
Fantasy. Compassion, and the extended hand of a stranger many miles away.
Discovering that there really are people who care.
This energy I didn’t know I had in myself…
I won’t pretend I am particularly fond of the pain that seems necessary to continue evolving and healing.
And depending on my mood at that moment, I might grumpily think “Yeah, right…” next time my ever-smiling Yoga teacher asks us to be filled with gratitude.
But today I just want to be grateful.
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Epi Phanie is a traveler and lover of art and mythology. She likes kickboxing and producing black and white silent movies. She is lucky enough to live in a tree house surrounded by nature. Rebelle Society has helped her through an immensely difficult time.
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