Surviving With A Broken Heart.
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The other day a friend asked me how I was doing. When I replied that it was still pretty intense but I was going to Yoga a lot, she was surprised that things hadn’t quieted down yet.
My first impulse was to tell her how though unfortunately my heartbreak wasn’t over yet, I found reasons to smile every day. In other words, I’m not a party-pooper, forever moaning about her pain, but choosing to move on instead.
My second impulse was to ask her how the fuck things are supposed to have quieted down already, since it had only been two weeks. In other words, I already mentioned intense instead of I hurt and hurt and hurt every single day, every single night. The tiniest memory or thought or sighting of him is enough to make me cry or feel like I am about to faint or have just been stabbed in the heart. How can you not get this?
I settled for a reasonable reply instead of the above impulses, and stated that it has not quieted down yet and probably won’t very soon.
It is not the first time that I got a reaction like this, and it really doesn’t help.
Maybe people don’t want to be reminded of how hard it is if they’re also not going through something similar at the time. Maybe they just forget, or have never experienced it on such a massive scale.
Anyway, I thought I’d reach out and share some of the things that help me. Put it all in writing as a reminder to myself and to any others who might be going through the same thing right now.
So here goes:
Don’t will yourself to be over it already, to just not love him or her anymore, to force yourself into positive thinking and new horizons if you’re not.
Gradually accept that, yes, you still love him, yes, every fiber of your being just wants to be with her, but if it’s not meant to happen it just won’t.
Take the opportunity to face some unpleasant truths that will ultimately help you heal. Maybe, like me, you notice that your devotion to the love for this person was covering up some of your own unresolved issues? You notice that in spite of having 500 Facebook friends and radiating smiles wherever you go, there is but one person in your life who gets you and that you feel you can really talk to now in the thick of your heartbreak? The scary revelation that you are alone in this. That others can help, soothe, share their experience and advice, but the strength to survive and to follow your own way out of this has to be found in yourself.
Give the love, that you may have showered him or her with, to yourself. Discover how even in your darkest hours you will be able to feel love and compassion for others too when you make sure to love yourself enough first.
Surround yourself with as much love and kindness and beauty as possible. You need all the warmth you can get now. If you have the strength, get creative, sing and dance, whatever makes you feel better.
You probably feel weak and confused, not trusting your own judgment anymore, an easy prey for the opinions of others. Try to get in touch with your very own inner voice, your heart. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be over it already, or that you should just jump into the next relationship, or even just flirt if you don’t feel it. Of course this may be different for you. But my attempts to seek quick replacement and thus regain my confidence might make me feel better for a day, but feel so much worse afterwards. It doesn’t work. It’s not the right time, not the right person, the wounds are still too deep.
Don’t forget the effect of even the most basic physical exercise on your well-being. Yoga or a 10-minute walk won’t make your heartache disappear, but they will help your healing process and at the very least provide an alternative to spending 100% of your time in your head, suffering and obsessing about your suffering. I remember the feeling of pride and achievement when managing to bring out the trash on a very bleak day. All those tiny things do matter.
And give yourself time. All the time that you need.
If you’re stubborn like me, not giving in but stamping your feet, jumping up and down because you don’t want to feel like this, you don’t want to still love and miss him, and you certainly don’t want to feel needy instead of strong… you might lose your job at the same time… and/or your bike might break…
And it wouldn’t be cruelty… just the Universe making sure that in order to get through all of this, you have to stop fighting the situation and focus on the only thing you can do: take care of yourself.
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Epi Phanie is a traveler and lover of art and mythology. She likes kickboxing and producing black and white silent movies. She is lucky enough to live in a tree house surrounded by nature. Rebelle Society has helped her through an immensely difficult time.
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