A Mother’s Heart. {poetry}
A mother’s heart is a bottomless pit. It is an unconditional pocket of love, and a bruised, relentlessly pounded punching bag.
When we raise our daughters, so much of ourselves — the good, the bad, the awesome, and the ugly — pours out and into them in both subtle and obvious ways.
Whether we like it or not, or they like it or not, all of our fears, hopes, misgivings, habits, wants, biases, feelings, anger, resentments, goodness, and love is simply passed down. The mother-daughter connection can truly be a tenuous and tricky ordeal.
Daughters learning to find their own voice will rail against the unappealing attributes of their mothers, but try as they may, they can’t help but absorb it all. It is indeed poured into them from the start.
The mother-daughter connection is all at once lovely, messy, alive, volatile, and real. As daughters, it is not until we are older that we realize how precious, wonderful, vulnerable, and human our own mothers are and always were.
If we are mothers of daughters ourselves, it is not until we see clearly what is behind us that we can assess and apologize for the damages we consciously and unconsciously inflicted upon them during their formative years. Baggage is passed down in ways seen and unseen.
It is good to remember that most of our mothers, trusted with the upbringing of little girl babies, were desperately struggling to claw their way to the surface of their own lives.
We often forget, when harboring the guilt that comes with motherhood, that we too were called to deftly navigate the stormy waters of daughter-rearing without instruction, all the while pursuing our own agendas and identities.
It is my hope that my daughter and I will continue to live in the present and choose love over resentment. This poem, Mother’s Heart, was written for my daughter, whom I love with every drop of my being.
*****
Mother’s Heart
*****
It’s true, I do,
I stand guard, I always will,
I always will, over you,
because you,
you grew inside me
And now I’m inside you too
whether you want me
there or not
I was enchanted by
your little fingers,
your little toes,
and the fact that
you had my mother’s nose
so tiny, a girl
making little sounds, a little girl
another healthy child
made me a young mother,
a naive mother of two
you with your happy face
and your happy heart
you who showed me your assertions
right from the start
as I fed you from my breast
I did that too
It was me, always me
pouring myself into you
so yes
yes I stand guard
and always will
and
I know the mistakes I made
all the charges I accrued
but I watched you triumph anyway
as I decanted
into you,
a burdensome kind of love
a yearning imbue
passed down, passed through,
my own issues, my weakness
it’s who I was, not you
you have to understand
that it was impossible not to
it’s the way of things
but I’m sorry
I’m sorry too
that you now carry these mistakes
my defeat
on your back
I’m sorry
is all I can say…
because in those moments I lacked
all that I know now
And all that I see now
how a mother’s mistakes cling
and how my fears made them sting
and if I can step back now
just step back
I know you will make your way,
because you know how
you always have
so shrug me off
shed me
don’t let me
blanket you
let your truth, your divinity be told
let your honest soul and your beauty unfold
be as brave and as bold
as you were the day you were born
before I poured myself into you
(some of it good)
But shed me, please
and I will make do, I promise,
I will do that for you
But I will still stand guard, I will
Because my heart
my lioness heart,
my mother’s heart
guards your heart too
Oh my little girl
because you grew inside me
and now
I am inside you.
***
Kimberly Valzania practices mindful gratefulness. She feels creatively driven to write about and share her personal experience and opinion on weight loss, fitness, life changes, adventures in parenting, day-to-day triumphs (and failures), and the truth-seeking struggle of simply being human. She believes that life is indeed a journey, and that precious moments appear (like magic) when you surrender, hold hands, and fling yourself into the great, wide, open. You can read more at her website.
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