From Tragic Endings To Fresh Starts.
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I was an odd little girl. A teacher once asked, “Who do you admire most?” and I couldn’t think of anyone. Not one single person.
For so long I’d ignored everyone else’s ideas — especially ideas about what I should be thinking, feeling, and doing with my life, because I knew, way back then, I was different… which I have come to understand, and accept, thank god, through my astral chart’s very full 12th House. Think David Bowie. He had a full 12th House too.
But whatever it was that made me feel different, as well as indifferent to the opinions of others — especially their ideas about what I could and could not do with my life, or imagine for myself — whatever it was, I knew this. I saw more.
Not having more stuff. I’m not talking about that. I’m not into material possessions, thanks to The Great Dissolver Neptune’s placement in my chart. I’m talking about more imagination. More perception. More exploration.
Deeper in. Farther away. Wider across. More.
Though there is a great danger lurking in all that — that of The Disconnect. I had to find a way to stay connected to people — while keeping that Keep Out sign erected at the entrance to my hallowed ground, my inner sanctuary, my imagination. As Ernest Holmes said, “True imagination is not fanciful daydreaming. It is fire from heaven.”
So let’s talk about that… let’s talk about burning in that fire from heaven. I think it gets lit by the flame of unlovability.
Many things come into being from that tender spot within, that space where we feel real dread and harbor a secret fear of being unloved. Unlovable. Not being loved enough by the Universe to survive, let alone thrive.
Now to remedy this, it helps to have a nice Saturn Uranus trine, which I have in my chart.
Saturn: structure, work.
Uranus: change, innovation.
This means I can change structures, and structure changes too.
Here’s an example. I was finishing up some of the earliest structural work on Yogastrology® a few years ago, and one night I had a beautiful dream.
I was in a river, being rushed along. I felt the current of water sweeping me away, and my mom and sister were in the dream-river too. They looked at me from across the water, and chimed in together, saying, “Let go.”
Clearly the dream was about me letting go of the life I’d known.
Soon after that, fate plucked me from the river (I let go) — and I got plopped down in some ashrams around the globe. And in those ancient temples, I was a bit lost, but also supremely happy for the first time in my adult life. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.
In those temples, at the pre-dawn ceremonies, my nostrils filled with the scent of burning myrrh and Sanskrit chants bathed me in intoxicating sounds. My intense meditations were matched only by the alchemical ecstasy of the chants. Years later, when I left that lifestyle, extracting myself from the ashram scene was excruciating.
But it was freeing as well, because while there is safety in numbers, and you do feel a certain security when you’re surrounded by people like you, you have to play by their rules in a setting like that. So I left, and then… Bam!
Family tragedy struck. My adult niece took her life; she swallowed a fistful of pills. Dark Lord of the Underworld, Pluto, had impinged upon the foundation of my life/my chart. And after my niece’s death, I collapsed. I went to my mom’s place in Montana. Mom’s aging, she won’t be around forever.
It was cold and hard, hanging out there, sleeping in my mom’s spare bedroom in the basement. I sank into an ugly cloud of doubt about everything — the ashram, the Yoga community, astrology, people, life.
What was the point of life?
Then late one night, nestled in my mom’s basement, I pulled my computer onto my lap, and without thinking, I wrote a simple email and sent it to some rockstar yogis. It was a dark night, and I figured I had nothing to lose.
Within minutes after hitting the Send button, the first reply came in. And then another. And another, and another, and they all said things like:
“I’m a Gemini (sign of the Twins) and I was supposed to be a twin. But my twin sister didn’t make it through the pregnancy and I still feel the loss…” ~ Kathryn Budig
“I’m a Scorpio = Pelvis, and my specialty is pelvic anatomy… why not believe in magic whenever we can?” ~ Sadie Nardini
“I’m a Libra (symbol: the scales). Balance is a practice, in all areas of my life…” ~ Elena Brower
“When I feel stressed or worried, I immediately get an uncomfortable sensation in my abdomen. This is a clear signal that I need to surrender…” ~ Faith Hunter, Virgo (the sign associated with the abdomen; Yogastrology® theme for Virgo is Surrender).
And it just keeps coming… The good. The bad, Tragic dark endings, surprising fresh starts…
To end well… that is the hardest part. So let’s have a new beginning, a fresh start — not really an ending at all. More like a page turning on to a new chapter.
I’m not sure where my next chapter will take me. All I know is that my new chapter needs to contain more colorful characters, like my wonderful students and clients and a few friends, and cats, dolphins, and lightning bolts that I admire, things and people with whom I feel a real connection.
Namaste!
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Diane Booth Gilliam is the founder and creator of Yogastrology®, which Diane calls ‘deep, subtle, radical work’, and when asked what makes her want to offer this work to others, Diane says, “…because yoga + astrology = Yogastrology® helped me discover what wellness and success really mean to me, personally …and that changed everything.” You’ll find Diane hanging out at Yogastrology®.
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