Jump Out Of Your Victim Story And Into Spirit.
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I recently came across an article on emotional abuse in romantic relationships. And it got me thinking.
Past memories came up to the surface of my consciousness — memories of both experiencing the abuse and witnessing it.
Emotional abuse. Sexual abuse. Physical abuse.
This isn’t the time for me to go into the details. I can say, however, that if I was to add up all the years of abuse, it equals to 13 years of my life. That’s just over half of my life. It’s no surprise then that I have spent nearly my whole life feeling like a victim. Suffering from depression, anxiety and paranoia, and later on in life, PTSD.
Going back to before June 2015, I would have slipped into one of my victim stories right away, and I would have stayed there for a very long time until a different victim story was triggered.
By victim story, I’m referring to that story we have created around an event that has hurt us. We are left feeling either betrayed, mistreated, or lonely. A victim. We use our story to stay firmly placed in our misery.
I personally believed that because I’d had such a shit time, everyone should be extremely sensitive towards me. That if they were to hurt my feelings, then they should apologize and change who they are so as to not hurt me.
Of course, this is problematic. The chances are, the people around me have also had a shit time. The chances are, the majority of us aren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other. The chances are, their tender parts have been triggered and certain emotions have taken over and are doing the speaking, and causing absolute havoc.
If we feed fuel into our victim stories, blaming everyone and the world, then we can’t see how to get out of that miserable story. We will become completely immersed.
I believe that each one of us planned what obstacles to overcome before coming into this life. And we can either get trapped within our victim stories, or we can let it be food for our souls, once we have first and foremost processed our emotions. I repeat, once we have first and foremost processed our emotions.
If we don’t process our emotions from our trauma, attempting to skip straight to soul growth, our emotions become trapped within our bodies and thus produce symptoms, and ultimately a chronic illness or serious disease. But please don’t fret because every single one of us is capable of releasing our emotions and damaged egos.
For more on this and how to deal with it, read Mind Over Medicine and The Fear Cure, both by Dr. Lissa Rankin.
Back to my resurfacing memories.
Emotions still arise when I think of these things. But now, something feels different about them, like they are out of place. And I realize, I don’t have to feel this way. My victim stories no longer drag me down into their depths, keeping me prisoner. But thoughts still arise. It’s like, a feeling washes over me, and it sticks.
I feel betrayed, unwanted, worthless and ugly when I think of how past partners hurt me. Because I am feeling these feelings in the present, I confuse these feelings for my current reality and even my future, believing that all relationships are like this and will end like this.
But now, something feels different. These feelings don’t feel like… Me. They don’t feel like Me. And I notice this.
I could wallow in my feelings of damaged. Feeling like I won’t be able to trust a partner again. Feeling that all men will abuse me in some way. That nobody will be able to both see my flaws and still love me.
That nobody will be able to witness me as a fleshy, vulnerable, strong, feeling and breathing human, with my own fears, my own limitations, with my own dreams and desires… my own.
Or, I realize, I can choose something else.
I can remember that I am more.
The world is more.
That I am a Spiritual Being. Unquestionably. That everything, from a cushion to a gliding and graceful heron, is alive… are Spirit. They are a part of the beauty of being alive.
I can remember that I am not hollow. That I am not just my memories, or my thoughts.
I have Spirit alive inside me. Waiting for my call. Waiting. It’s there, always, waiting for my call, my presence.
You know what it feels like, right, to feel heavy but yet hollow? No motivation. No energy.
And I imagine, I hope, that you know what it feels like to feel your body come alive? To feel that joy radiate through your chest pulling you up and out of that door through those green and sweet fields, to dance whatever your dance may be. To feel strength to run widely. For every cell in your body, and your heart, to come alive.
Truly and beautifully alive.
This is your Spirit!
Choose Spirit. Choose to be the whole. The whole you. Not parts of your past. Feel what you need to feel, cuddle yourself in your bed and love yourself enough to cry wildly, like nobody else exists in this world but you. Shake it off, shake those negative stories off. Worried you’ll look crazy? Well, only you are watching, so who cares?
Love yourself into tears. Choose to feel this with your whole being.
Let go.
Surrender your body to this process.
After the storm of your raw emotions, you might notice that you feel remarkably still. Aware. Aware of yourself because you’ve just let go, for maybe the first time in your life since you were a small child.
Close your eyes, and listen to your heartbeat. Feel it. Relax your muscles.
Listen closely for your soul in your inner silence.
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Bethany Johnson, having once suffered from PTSD, depression, anxiety and paranoia, can now say that she is a survivor and a thriver of complex trauma. She learnt to swim with the tides of her trauma, and through her commitment to heal herself, she miraculously recovered from all of her lifetime ailments. Now she dedicates herself to self-discovery and spiritual growth: un-weaving and unfolding and soothing out the meticulous knots that were created from her childhood, and researching all things metaphysical. She is a mystic by heart and nature who loves to unleash her InnerChild. She is urged by her InnerBeing to document and share the message from her discoveries of her recovery. It is a journey that is still emerging and expanding, and she invites you to journey with her. All with a serving of Play. You could contact Bethany via her website or Facebook.
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