So Little She Was. {poetry}
{source}
This is a tumble out poem. Tumble out is my term for a poem without punctuation on purpose. It is meant to be read quickly, without regard for cadence, rhyme, or pause to reason in one fell swoop. Words that tumble out, without revision, are both raw and real. Eat it all at once, and then digest it slowly.
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She was hurt by someone big when she was little and she didn’t talk about it didn’t tell anyone and she was hurt again too believe it or not when they all told her she was pretty how pretty she was
and they kept telling her that and she thought well at least that is something
I am something
and it was supposed to make her feel good, but it didn’t no it did not
she felt lonely instead lonely inside herself with feelings she didn’t understand
to be put in that position
so little she was
and she couldn’t live up to what they thought of her their expectation their view of her but she tried you know she tried for years and years
and instead of speaking her truth she stuffed it back down deep down inside she couldn’t bear it knowing they were wrong about her
about who she really was
and it was all so very ugly but that is what she did
she let them think she was alright so it was not their fault not their fault at all
but she swallowed pain, her shame it is something most of us do we do it because we are human it is just the way
it is the way of things
and then there was this time in her life when she stomped down her foot
and she banged down her fist
and said enough is enough I’m done I’m so fucking done with this
and she set forth to build herself new again from the inside out and doing that takes work such painful work
it was I’m too old for this kind of work but also
I’m too young to give up kind of work
it was tired of fighting work
and she knew it was important was essential for her to do it to deal with it before her glorious God-given life was over
before she crumbled to dust
she did it she forgave herself for all the time lost
and did it before time swallowed her before the clouds the dark clouds descended even more before they pulled her under
she made her way through
before she was sucked up and spat out
she did it
and when she did it she did it blindly fearfully vulnerably resentfully
she told the truth she let it go she let it float out and up and away
past her broken promises past her remorse past her past too
it swirled and danced above all that
it wiggled with sweet and blessed relief
so relieved it was to be free
her truth made her whole again and now she is
now she is pretty, simply because
because she is happy
and she is happy because
she let it go
she let all of it go
and she is the one who made herself so.
***
Kimberly Valzania practices mindful gratefulness. She feels creatively driven to write about and share her personal experience and opinion on weight loss, fitness, life changes, adventures in parenting, day-to-day triumphs (and failures), and the truth-seeking struggle of simply being human. She believes that life is indeed a journey, and that precious moments appear (like magic) when you surrender, hold hands, and fling yourself into the great, wide, open. You can read more at her website.
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