Being Reborn As The Butterfly That I Am.
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Having contemplated my life story and its higher purpose recently, I have realized there are two stories alive in me, in my life.
The first story is the unfolding of my life from the time I was born till September 11, 2009. The second story emerged from the shattering and traumatic occurrence of September 11, 2009, and continues till the present time and onward.
The first story represents the events of my birth: the childhood conditioning I was subjected to within the context of my family, culture, and religion; how this conditioning and other circumstances and experiences shaped my self-identity and my core belief-system, how these structures created my life experiences, as well as the nature of my relationship with myself and with others, that was problematic, limiting and restrictive.
In the first story, I lived from my ego-mind, disconnected from my core self.
The second story of my life represents the evolution of my consciousness. In this story, I am consciously learning, experiencing and integrating the merging with my essential core self, the unification of my human and divine selves, healing the original split from my soul.
What marked the shift from living as who I thought I was, to who I truly am, was a deeply shattering, traumatic experience, which occurred on September 11, 2009: the death of my only beloved son, Nathaniel, which means a gift from God in Hebrew. Nathaniel was truly a gift from God.
The experience of his passing, which I call the darkest night of my soul, was so devastating that it was as if it deconstructed my whole sense of self/self-identity.
The pain of loss was atrocious and out of this world — it broke my heart.
My whole sense of self and my self-identity were shattered. There was a period of almost six months when I felt I was like a tree that had been pulled out of the earth from the roots and thrown into space.
I felt as if I was floating in empty space: the space in my consciousness between what no longer was, and what was gestating to be born, something new, although I had no awareness then of what it would be.
I felt I was in between two worlds… the shock was severe.
I had to face everything about myself. It was very difficult, but I had not choice about this. I could not run, though I wanted to. I used to pace frenetically when the pain of grief would take over. As the journey progressed, I had to face everything about myself.
I prayed.
My skills as a psychotherapist were helpful. In the space where there was a temporary loss of identity — old identity — In the ruins of my own shuttered heart, as I was facing all that was popping up from a less conscious part of my mind, I found myself becoming very close to myself. I was really seeing myself, all of it.
I had to face what I did not like about myself — for instance, my guilt.
It was not easy, but I stayed and looked toward everything as it surfaced. During this process, I found myself acknowledging the grief, the harsh and intense pain. At times, I would stop and hear myself say: My god, Medea, this is so intense, you lost your child. Oh no, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am here. I see you.
This absolute intimacy with myself triggered a natural feeling of self-compassion. I observed all I did not want to see, and learned to forgive myself.
Something deeper than the intense pain of loss was sprouting from the depth of my soul — little seeds at first, then eventually, full blooms.
It was Love.
I felt so much love for myself. Then, as the journey progressed, it extended to everything and everyone. I was falling in love with my inner self — the one I had not primarily identified with, as I had identified more with my outer personality self until then.
I was being the one to comfort, soothe, be gentle, kind and compassionate with myself. Listening to myself became a living practice.
This love was the antidote, the balm that soothed my bleeding wounds.
I realize now, looking back at my journey of transformation, which felt more as a transmutation — a death/rebirth process — what I went through was an energetic, alchemical process that changed my whole consciousness and, consequently, my self-identity, the process akin to what a caterpillar undergoes to become a butterfly.
I have come to realize, this process of consciousness transformation is a process we all have to go through in order to evolve from our small caterpillar selves into the magnificence and glory of our true core butterfly selves.
Not everyone goes through it as a result of a life-shattering experience, but whatever the circumstances, the more consciously aware, energetically present we are, the more we can effectively substantiate our transformative process. In so doing, we become co-creators of our own destiny.
We consciously align with the energies of the Universe driving our evolution… our journey of awakening and merging with our soul.
When everything appears to be lost and annihilated, what remains is what can never be annihilated, not even by death: our pure, innocent core self is immortal. My journey has been to discover, awaken, integrate/embody and live from my essential self, like a baby, a divine baby that is being born as part of the new me.
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Medea Bavarella Chechik is a certified Feminine Power coach, transformational counselor and relationship coach, and a graduate of the Feminine Power Mastery and Transformative Leadership Programs. She has a 35-year background and training in personal/spiritual transformation and development, holds a private practice, as well as having 21 years of group facilitation experience. Medea is currently writing a book about her life, and also compiling an anthology of her transformational poetry. She produces her own internet talk show: WeEvolve TV: Dialogues on Love, Transformation and Empowerment. Medea’s lifelong quest for knowledge and wisdom, which began at an early age, led her to the study and practice of the teachings of many of the world’s spiritual traditions, such as Advaita, Buddhism, meditation, Shamanism, Goddess spirituality, and Christian mysticism. She is a Philosophy graduate, Reiki Master, certified transpersonal counselor, certified transpersonal hypnotherapist, certified DansKinetics instructor, and Peace Minister. More importantly, she is an example of the work she facilitates, having emerged through some most challenging life experiences as a wise, empowered woman, who learned to love herself, no matter what.
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