I Hope We Can Be Unadulterated.
{Photo credit: Jen Young}
I’ve always kept a journal. I’ve always had secrets — silent desires and invisible dreams.
I’ve always felt like an impostor or a fake.
I’ve always tried to be what was expected of me.
But not anymore. Not since you.
I was me with you. All of me. Me without fear.
Maybe that had little or nothing to do with you. Maybe it’s just where I was at that time in my life.
Maybe I had decided to just be all of me because of what I’d been through.
All of the unhappiness. All of the unmet expectations.
If I had been myself from the beginning with others, maybe things would have veered off sooner.
Or maybe my expectations would have been better understood.
I felt completely comfortable in your presence, and I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything from you. And that was special.
But I realize now why that was so special. It’s because for the first time, I was not putting on a facade.
I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be me.
And I want someone to accept me for who I am, instead of vice versa.
And you did that.
You were concerned that I thought you were broken, and that I was involving myself the same with you as I had always with others — with intentions of fixing you.
But the truth is, I am just as broken as anyone else, so who am I to fix anyone?
So, no. I don’t want to mold myself to fit someone else’s expectations, only to be disappointed later.
I want to be me — all of me — and see if someone will love me and accept me anyway.
And I wanted you to be you — all of you — to see if I could love you and accept you because of it.
Those were my intentions.
And I did that. And I loved what I saw and experienced.
The surprises. The genuine love. The intentions.
I was so satisfied with what I had that I had no fear.
Except the fear of losing you and losing an opportunity to love you wholly and fully… an unadulterated love.
Complete.
Absolute.
Fulfilled.
Sometimes timing means everything.
Sometimes intentions don’t matter.
Sometimes love doesn’t win.
So, now I just hope that I can remember what made me happy, and try to continue to be me — to find me.
Don’t lower my expectations.
Don’t settle for anything less.
And I can hope the same for you.
I pray for you to not allow yourself to be empty. Don’t accept how things are just because that is how they are.
Because things can change. Things do change. Nothing ever stays the same for long.
Remember the joy that you feel when you are you — when you are appreciated for being you.
Remember that you are loved. By many. And that is not a bad thing.
I pray for our peace as we move along into the unknown.
I hope that the fear that we feel motivates us to face the beasts and slay our demons. So that we can be whole and love ourselves, even though we are flawed. Even though we have disappointed others and ourselves.
Forgive and move on. Whatever that looks like.
And that we can start fresh. From a good place. That we can look back and not feel shame. So that we can be unadulterated.
Complete.
Absolute.
Fulfilled.
That is my wish. For all of us.
***
Elizabeth Mattingly is a seeker of adventure who also desires the comfort of routine. She is an avid hiker, a lazy runner, a mother of three teenagers, a writer, and an unfortunate romantic. Her blog began as a way of dealing with a diagnosis of cardiomyopathy, and has continued on as her guiding force through all of her figurative heartbreak after divorce, dating, and life.
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