Peace Amidst Chaos. {poetry}
{source}
An unbearable storm began to creep towards me.
It was forecasted
But I never believed the forecast.
It wouldn’t happen.
It couldn’t happen.
Yet, there was an overwhelming blackness to the incoming storm
A sudden darkening to an already cloudy sky
The kind that moistens the air
Your senses are aware of the storm before it actually hits
Before it forces you to notice its booming presence
Fearing the storm
I rushed away from it
Hoping my speed would keep me safe from the ruthless bleakness
I believe my denial of the incoming storm would prevent its effects
But running was to no avail,
It was coming for me
I could no longer ignore the forecast
I paused.
Becoming aware of the blackness that slowly crept over.
It was demonic and could not be exorcised.
There was no control of my rage.
The blackness had taken over.
I scoured the earth, the sun, the moon, the stars
Yearning for answers.
I questioned and demanded of G-d or any god that would hear my plight.
But the refusal to answer swept away my beliefs.
There was only blankness.
A complete and deserted nothingness.
In the pause, I found no solitude.
In the silence, there was no comfort.
In the shouting of my soul, I found nothing.
Nothing.
Tears poured from my face
My hands grabbed any objects they could find
Tearing them apart like lightning cutting through the tallest tree
Leaving violent paths of destruction outwardly and inwardly
I had to pause.
In the unbearable pain, the maddening solitude, the unwavering questioning,
I found peace.
A warm embrace had taken over in the darkest night.
I found breath
I found pages of old chapters salvaged, reclaimed, and etched into my memory.
The memories scorched the tears
And brought a levity to my eyes that I thought was forever lost.
I embraced the storm inside me.
The wind was my wind.
The storm was my storm
And it no longer felt out of my control.
I paused.
In my stillness, I heard my torturous pain.
I grasped what had happened, but still grasped that moment before the storm
Before the unbearable pain permeated through my entire body.
I had to pause again.
To catch my breath again.
To scratch and claw and bring the old chapters to life again.
But to no avail.
Nothing but acceptance would soothe me
Acceptance meant reality
So I picked up to running again
But to no avail.
I had to pause. I could no longer fight my tears, my sorrow. Reality hit harder than the most destructive storm.
I began to understand the chaos brewing inside, the reality of it all.
I opened the windows and doors for it.
It filled my entire being
And took the weight of my burdened soul
Like a forest fire burning every tree
But all was not lost, for time allows new blooms that were incapable of growing there before.
I had to pause for reality, for my suffering, for my understanding.
My pain approached, requesting love and acceptance.
I began to understand.
To breathe again — not short sobs, but deep, true, calming breaths.
I allowed my pain to walk side by side,
Moving forward until my pain and I were no longer separate identities
We were functionally one
In the stillness, the pain and solitude
I found peace amidst the chaos.
Acceptance of the past, what now was, and what would never be.
But step by step, I learned to live in the now, without running,
And walked into the future with memories, rather than regrets.
***
Sophie Cummings is a young aspiring writer. She was given a journal when a tragic event left her confused. The journal allowed her to pour out her inner thoughts and review them for years to come. Eventually she took her love for writing out of her journal and into the world. In her free time, Sophie enjoys teaching Yoga, playing soccer, and hiking fourteeners with her German Shepherd.
***
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