You Are the Composer of Your Own Song.
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Many times I have said, “I wish my life had its own background music, so I would know when to pay attention,” as if life itself was something that was passively happening to me, instead of me making it actively happen myself.
Mentally stuck between a victim and survivor. An unfinished artwork and an artist.
Feeling stuck. Like a train that was riding its pre-built rails from inception through the last day of its existence, not having a choice to take a turn whenever it wants.
Walking the footsteps that the ones before me have paved with love, but every step completely filled with fear, dripping in conformity and submission, without any rhyme or reason.
Of course there was a song playing in the background, yet I chose not to pay attention.
Medicating myself by detaching my soul, as far as possible, in any form I could get my hands on. The self-proclaimed New Age gurus having me hanging on to every word that escaped their lips, blindly following their guidance only to find out in time that this too will not save me. Diving head-on into poisonous behavior, as long as I wouldn’t have to feel or take responsibility for being alive in an adult body.
Of course the song playing in the background was becoming louder, yet I chose to turn my attention elsewhere.
Walking hand in hand with the demon of unrealistic hope through my days, waiting until someone would come close enough to hear my gentle tune of horror playing in the background. Many have come, but my demon and I didn’t allow them to come too close, for the demon and I knew that it would jeopardize the relationship we had.
Whispering to myself that I am at all times in control in my marathon with this demon so I could simply continue what I had started.
Of course there was a song playing in the background, and it sounded louder.
Running turned into walking, making it harder and harder to move forward, as if my feet were moving through fresh cement that was slowly hardening. My body hurting more and more, forcing me on all hands and knees to continue to crawl upon this path of destruction.
Here I was: at rock bottom, and I had become everything I promised myself I would never be.
Of course there was a song playing, but it was all around me now and very unpleasant.
The chaos of patterns, that I have put so much effort in to maintain, was no longer serving me. It has shown up on all levels — my love life, my career, my body that I used to call temple, and all external manifestations.
Not sure what to do or where to move to, it became dark. I felt lost. Here I was, on the floor, forced to look and listen within. Getting real. Accepting the truth that I have created.
Of course there was no song playing, and I realized that I have been the composer all this time.
Getting real is where it all starts. Accepting the external situations we have molded into our existence. How do we know what to ask for, how can we expect magic to make its way into our realm, if we are not sure where we stand right now?
There is something quite magical about this position, for once we reach absolute bottom, we can only go up from there. The absolute bottom is a beautiful starting point. Is it easy? Sometimes, and other times not. But it’s 10 times easier than numbing the soul.
So now, of course I am playing a song, and I change the tune and lyrics whenever I want to.
What about you? What song are you choosing to play?
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Bara Queenbee Cerna is a human hurricane in constant awe of life, who is expanding her physical reality by traveling as much as possible, exploring the power of her own voice, and actively trying to leave the world a better place, step by step. To leave behind the footsteps of her true and inner wild woman, becoming the best version she can be, Bara hopes to inspire people to accept themselves in all aspects of life and to take control of their magickal future. Get on board with her on Facebook or Instagram.
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