you & me

There Is No Future, But Plant Your Garden.

 

The future

hasn’t happened yet.

everytime I think

it will be tomorrow,

I awake and

 it’s today

I have lots of intentions for the upcoming summer. I want to help at an environmental leadership camp, dance at a Sundance, grow a garden, and find my twin flame.

I met one of the greatest loves of my life last summer. I moved to a small island west of Vancouver to work in a friend’s restaurant, and there she was, the manifestation of my deepest heart dream, but more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Our hearts quickly connected about our shared desire to heal the land and walk the red road. We were on fire. Then, all my shit started to surface.

I had a lot of anxiety about being in an intimate relationship, and would lie in bed at night feeling like there was a wolf trying to jump out of my chest. I loved her with all of my heart, but we couldn’t keep the fire going. The river pulled us to different shores.

Last night, I dreamed I had to go into a library to renew my passport. I was with a large dog, and knew he couldn’t come in with me. I also knew I couldn’t let him run free or he’d get in trouble. I had to figure out a safe place for him to wait. I went to my friend’s camp near a river, and asked if he could watch over my dog while I tended to my business.

This past winter, I started going to a sweat lodge. The first few sweats were uncomfortable. It was dark and dirty and cramped and fucking hot. They seemed to go on forever. I couldn’t wait to get outside. Inside my head, all my shadows started dancing. I could see all my uncomfortable truths.

Everything inside of me was begging me to yell, “Mitakuye oyasin, open the fucking door,” but somehow I stayed inside. On the third sweat, the guy pouring the lodge told us that everything we think about during the sweat will be amplified. If you are thinking about how hot it is, the heat will be unbearable. He urged us to use the sweat to pray, to speak our heart to the spirit world. This shifted everything.

It brought my focus outside of myself. Rather than focusing on my temporal feelings, I could concentrate on finding my deep inner compassion for my loved ones, my ancestors, my planet.

At this present moment, I have $30 in my wallet and my bank account is negative $40. It’s not that I haven’t been working, I’ve just been moving around a lot. I’ve got three new jobs, and am waiting for some paychecks to come in. I don’t know how everything will work out. I can’t help but think how much better life will be when I get enough money to travel to camp and Sundance.

I sometimes try to imagine my next lover: where we will meet, what she will look like, how we will relate to each other. I sometimes think I will finally be fulfilled when I find The One. However, the belief that I can somehow find salvation outside of the present moment is an illusion. Tomorrow never comes.

I woke up today and put kale, corn, squash, and bean seeds in the soil. I’m preparing for the Fall and praying for enough abundance to provide for others.

I woke up today, poor and lacking nothing. I am here, now. I am grateful. I have food in the fridge, and had enough cash to buy a roll of toilet paper, an apple, nuts, and some chocolate to share with my friends at work. I’m working three jobs and praying I’ll earn enough money to fund my summer outreaches.

I woke up today, alone and lacking nothing. I am here, now. I love myself and took care of myself today. I woke up slow, then exercised my body by going for a bike ride, my mind by reading and writing, and my soul by singing. Today, I am living in love. I’m praying that I will find a partner who know how to love herself.

I am here, now, lacking nothing and praying for everything.

***

Amos Mercier left behind the life of a fundamentalist Baptist pastor, and started hitchhiking across Turtle Island as a way to free his mind. For the past four years, he has been living out of his backpack and studying with Hindus and Buddhists, trees and rivers, shamans and spirits.

***

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Rebelle Society

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