Re-soul-ution: Calling Home the Wild Soul. {poetry}
{source}
I have been a two-faced liar. I always hid her.
I tie her, her violent wavy curls in a bun
Because she grows creepers out of them.
I make her stand pretty and shy.
When she would rather run among the animals,
Over the fields, and across the streams.
She had slender legs, and they were fast.
She hugs a tree now. And kisses a flower then.
Sings to the creatures in the river.
And talks to things crawling in the mud.
And she rolls on grass, smelling the air.
Drinks from pools, water dripping from everywhere.
She blooms for an extra season.
Filing up with nectar without shame.
A creature too much.
And in bliss without a reason.
So I, and the many voices,
Find her and drag her back home,
Shouting and yelling at her all the way.
I punish her and curse her
For spewing poetry and weaving dreams.
I tell her she is weird,
And not to show herself to the world ever again.
“Don’t you see, no one likes you?”
I tell her to her face.
“Do you?” She asks me with hope in her eyes.
I turn my face and look away.
Deeply saddened, she lets me pull at her wild.
And walks out of my house that night.
Silent, sensitive and strong.
Never turning back to look at me again.
After her exit, I pour myself a glass.
And take a breath of relief after long.
But neither liquid nor air can pass through,
Or fill up the void left behind by her leaving.
I smile as I harden inside.
I smile more. And I am a rock.
So many years had gone by.
I had friends and family.
Lovers who loved me.
And a career and peers.
I finally fit in.
And I laughed at parties.
I was so alone.
I could not dance. Could not write.
Colors made me cry.
And I was my song, stuck in my own throat.
Everytime I opened my mouth, I cracked.
My shoulders bent. My legs stiffened.
My eyes watered in the cold.
This was impossible.
After all these years…
Sleep did not come at nights.
Strange dreams did.
Of so many naked women,
From head to toe,
Bruised and in blood.
I shake and shiver.
And wake up in the dark of the night.
I resist the tears.
Fight the fears.
I resist some more.
But nothing, nothing can hold back the grief
As it crashes through my front door.
That flood, and that violent storm,
That takes away my home.
It washes everything I have carefully built over the years.
And leaves me with nothing. Nothing.
You understand? Nothing!
I’m a living body in the debris of my life.
Why was I alive?
I walk myself and sit by the ocean.
For a whole day, I sit as the heat shifts.
When the sun dips, I have two choices.
Either I stitch it all up fine.
Go back to being smiling again.
And no one will know.
Except the hollow which my heart will become, or…
When it darkens, I walk back.
I pack what little is left.
And leave.
I leave my place. I leave my plans.
I leave the city I call my home.
All that I like, and all that I know.
All that I need to do. And to become.
To find the one thing I want the most:
Re-soul-ution, calling home the soul.
***
Tau Tara is a nature-lover and wild woman, slowly coming out of the closet as a healer/priestess/witch, all of whom she had had individual and highly personal experiences with over a period of three years, the intensity of which terrified her for the most part and destroyed her former life, but also healed her broken pasts, revived her spirit and led her right back to her Self. In the initial days, even though there was much resonance, she could make little sense of the things she saw and heard, and found out about, the characters of the priestess and the witch especially being completely alien to the culture she grew up around in India. But that lasted only until she encountered the long line of dark goddesses, dakinis, chandalinis, yoginis and devadasis of her land. That is when she was able to recognize the similarities and patterns. The series of synchronous events that led her to the path which she has chosen for this lifetime and where she now finds herself standing in. Having now been exposed to, or rather ‘recollecting’ her memories and consciousness about, the archetypes from both the East and the West, it dawned on her, despite the initial discomfort, that she had always been a wild woman and a lover, across cultures and over multiple lifetimes. With her extreme sensitivity and love for nature, animals and people, Tau identifies with the elemental spirit realm, and is currently engaged with finding ways to share and heal through inner journeys and explorations with sound and body movement, plant medicine, crystals and flower essences while working to encourage and promote the works of rural artisans and craftsmen from native and local communities in the mainstream market. You can see her slowly opening up to social media on Instagram, breathing in and out of Facebook, or struggling to brave her soul out on her blog.
***
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