Surrendering My Need to Control, and Free-Falling.
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“Sometimes you have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down.” ~Kobi Yamada
I find myself in the land of in-between. All of the pieces I’m juggling are all currently up in the air, and I’m free-falling alongside them.
I quit my job today, with no notice. On the spot, effective immediately. I would call it my day job, but I was an evening server at an upper crust Spanish restaurant. It was not a good environment for me at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the people I worked with. They have taught me so much about myself, and the diversity of humanity, and consequently are some of my favorite humans. However, I started to feel a bit like Alice when she grew too tall for the room. I feel like I’ve been falling down the rabbit hole (or maybe it’s up…) for a while now, and I just didn’t quite fit there anymore.
So I decided to stand by the truth. I decided to follow the nudges that I needed to do what was best for me. I had to take that leap, and free-fall.
I had to surrender my need to control, my need to have the answers, and a plan. I had to surrender it all. I had to look inside, to that part that we all have in our own way — the composer of the orchestra, so to speak — and say out loud, “I’m letting go.”
I’m placing my faith in the magician behind the curtain (except, this one isn’t running from the truth, rather following the questions to it… and existing as the quiet intuitive voice inside that lives in synchronicity). I’m leaning into the alchemy of uncertainty. I’m holding space within for my transition, and I’m holding space for all the possible outcomes. I’m holding space for the truth.
The fact that I made a pact with myself to seek out and stand by truth should be enough, but I still reach out to the ones I trust completely to check in and make sure I haven’t gone mad as a hatter.
And here I find myself in the land of in-between. No longer at the start of nowhere, but unsure of where it is exactly that I’ve jumped.
I’m confident enough to say that I don’t have the answers.
I’m aware enough to know that maybe it’s not my place to have them.
The only thing I do know for certain is that I have an agreement that I’ve made with myself, to only accept the best of what I am capable of… and that risky as it may be, I have to follow the music, even if I can’t see where I’m going just yet.
I’ve always believed that life isn’t meant to be lived in one place, doing the same thing day in and day out. I’ve always held this thought in my heart that life is meant to be explored… experienced, in all its messy, beautiful splendor. There’s a mystery to be solved. It’s up to each of us to engage ourselves and each other to piece it together.
I can’t abide sitting in one place too long. You know, that white-picket-fence life. It never made much sense to me, and always looked like a cage. My feet long for moss, for grass, for dusty roads. My hands long to catch the falling leaves, and to trace and follow the constellations instead of maps. My breath yearns to kiss the wind as it drifts between my lips.
And yet, we all still get locked into routine for security, we trade true freedom for stability. I feel in my bones that each of us is so much more than the labels and compartments we’ve boxed ourselves into.
When I look around, I see so much more, begging to be released. I see people waiting to be recognized. I see people wondering if the leap into freedom is worth it. I see them looking around to see if maybe someone else — anyone else — is looking too.
So I will take that leap into the unknown, as many times as I can. Because that’s where the alchemy happens.
I’ll continue to leap and free-fall, and if I tumble, and land on the rocky ground, I’ll leap again, until I can finally grasp what it takes to fly.
And when I do learn, I’ll hold my hand out for you, if you’re still uncertain. Because it’s up to each of us to stand for our best, and I know how terrifying it is to stand up alone. You’re not alone. None of us are. We’re all here. As we are, as we should be.
Here I stand, in the land of in-between.
Somewhere left of nowhere… and right on track.
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Heather Climer is an amalgamation of stars and pixie dust, in never-ending motion through the range of human emotion, striving for conscious evolution. She believes in hope, in love, and in you. She’s learning how to be splendidly imperfect, and strives to help others do the same. She feels the sound and color from every shape, and breathes it through her paintings, her writings, musings, and her guitar. She can be found climbing trees, puddle-stomping, or whispering to the fairies that pass by her patio at 3 a.m.
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