5 Tools for Being Happily Alone in a Crowd.
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Today, I was sitting alone in a cafe, with nothing to do. And there it was, my recognition, that I was happy. I have come a long way.
Years ago, I would barely dare to go out on my own because I was convinced that people would stare at and make fun of me (and back then it was not typical to have your office in a cafe).
Being alone in a place where all I saw was friends talking to each other, couples kissing and happy families, made me feel awkward, ashamed, embarrassed and hopeless. I was sure that I was the only person in this whole wide world who was really lonely.
In reality, I did not take any notice of what was really happening in the cafe. I didn’t see couples fighting, other people sitting alone, smiles of strangers. Nor did I smell the coffee. I was totally stuck in my mind and my imaginations, of how desperate and pathetic I must look to them.
Do you go to a cafe by yourself (and not to do work or be busy with something else)?
If you answer Yes, does any of the following apply to you?
- You are overly self-conscious
- You are jealous of others being together
- You think you are worthless due to the fact you are alone
- You sense everyone is looking at you
If your answer is No, do these reasons sound familiar to you?
- You are embarrassed to be seen alone
- You are busy wondering what others think about you
- You don’t know what to do with yourself alone (besides being busy with your smartphone)
- You are bored when alone and try to avoid it
Or, if your answer is Yes, but only in the context of working, playing with your phone, being on your computer, or reading, why is that so?
- You feel uncomfortable with nothing to do
- You always need to achieve something, even when just drinking a coffee
- You cannot just sit there enjoying that moment
- You never thought about this and are wondering right now, “What a stupid question.”
When I went out on my own, it was agony. I was so self-conscious that each minute felt like a century. Maybe now you are wondering, “Why did you do this to yourself? Didn’t you have any friends? Or, maybe something was really wrong with you.”
I have always been someone who wanted to conquer herself and her fears. So I went for it despite my anxieties.
I believed that to overcome this loneliness, I just had to change my behavior. I started speaking to people I’d never seen before, being funny and delightful instead of serious and grumpy. In short, I did lots to convince myself that I was comfortable being out alone.
Did it work? Well, it was all great and fun to do. I met cool people, laughed my arse off, and was happy that I had transformed my fear of loneliness into love (as long as I kept going I would be fine, I told myself). Until I figured out that it was still all just a farce and an attempt to escape.
Truth is that I was only covering my fear of being lonely with all these fancy New age and happy positive thinking attitude strategies. Underneath I was still the abandoned child crying out for mama. I had not accepted anything. Just kept fighting to not feel this pain of despairingly being alone.
1. Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and sensations: I practice being aware of my thoughts and feelings (my inner world). Being aware does not mean analyzing them and figuring out why I am thinking and feeling a certain way (in the past that was what being aware meant for me). Instead, being aware is simply taking notice of my thoughts, feelings and sensations. Nothing more. I don’t look into the:
- Why is it that way?
- What am I learning from this?
- What is this doing to me?
- What does this mean?
If this seems strange to you, you are not the only one. We all are so accustomed to constantly being busy with trying to answer questions that to not ask any of them nor try to find an answer may at first seem to be a radical step. I invite you to try it out, at least once.
2. Stop categorizing everything into good and bad: I stop categorizing all and everything immediately into good or bad. Instead, I just see the facts. When I see a couple, I simply see a couple and don’t think, “Oh, I wish I had someone. They must be so happy and I am so miserable.” Seeing someone else sitting alone is not instantly followed by a thought, “This guy must feel bad.”
Simply seeing what is in front of me (without the after-party in my mind), I relax and am open for life and details I never noticed before.
3. Quit trying to get rid of your bad thoughts and feelings: I recognize when I judge thoughts and feelings as unpleasant. If this happens and I see myself trying to get rid of an uncomfortable thought (such as I will always be alone), I just stop it.
I refrain from any (inner) action (You surely can move around on your seat or stir your coffee). I do not cover it up with another (positive) thought or feeling. Nor do I tell myself Stop it in a harsh way.
Are you asking right now, “What is she talking about? How can I just stop my thought?”
You might believe that thoughts think themselves, are overtaking you, and there is nothing you can do about it. See for yourself if that is true.
4. Refrain from distracting yourself to not feel lonely, instead fully meet your aloneness: When I feel the urge to distract myself, to check my phone, to look busy, I do not follow the urge. I just don’t do it.
Can you hear yourself question, “Really? But how? I do these things automatically. I cannot stop them just like that.”
If I can, so can you. I have been a distraction addict for all my life just to not feel anything. It is possible to simply not follow the compulsion.
I feel the feeling of aloneness, I locate it in my body, I am willing to observe it without wanting it gone. In fact, the fastest way to let go of a feeling is to feel it, without any resistance to it.
5. Be attentive using all your senses: I am attentive to the moment with all my senses. Oh, do I love the smell of coffee and fresh bread, the breeze of air, or the sound of the machine humming in the background! The child laughing and watching passers-by, the colors, the faces, details, emotions, etc. There is so much beauty in the simple things.
Whenever a story is entering my mind (story, meaning that I go into dreamland about my past or future life), I simply don’t entertain it and gently come back to the time and place where I actually am.
Recognizing the freedom of being alone in a crowd is utter bliss.
At times when I am sitting alone in a cafe, an old idea of loneliness arises. That’s normal. Everyone and everything tells me that it is not okay to be alone. I grew up with a romantic ideal of love, that I should create togetherness regardless of the price (such as, feeling alone when I am together but pretending I am fine).
I recognize it is just an idea. I simply cannot be lonely when I pay attention to this moment expressing its fullness and freshness and its natural constant changing. And I am blessed to recognize what is beyond any idea (of loneliness).
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After a career in international business, at the age of 32, Karen Hartmann had an emotional breakdown. She was stuck in constant fear and negative thoughts. She tried everthing out there to heal herself until she realized that no matter what she did, there always seemed to be something missing. Finally, in 2016, she found ShoomKloom and with it peace, laughter and joy in most life situations. Since then, all that matters to Karen, is making ShoomKloom available to the world.
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