Little White Bungalow: The Reality of What Would Be.
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As I was sitting quietly on my porch, with no light from the moon to be seen, I closed my eyes and asked a question, “What am I to learn from this relationship?”
It had been a long relationship for my 43 years. 29 of them was with this one person who brought me to this oh-so-heavy time.
A lesson perhaps?
I had to figure it out. I was tired of being stuck in this story. I wanted out. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be sure that whatever it was I was to learn I would hurry up and learn so I didn’t carry this story with me through this current life and any future ones.
What was it?
Then I saw him drive away. He was driving away to go be with his girlfriend. And I laughed. Clarity hit as I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.
I often go back to past stories. In this moment, I was thrown back to a time we lived together in a little white bungalow in the suburbs. It was a time where I felt deeply connected to him. We were only 21, but living the adult married life. It was a time I felt safe, that no matter what we’d stick together.
As I was thrown back into this story, the deepest clarity hit me, and this is what made me laugh.
I used to take us so seriously. I once believed we had something special. I used to feel sorry for other people because they would never have what we had. I used to believe we were invincible. I thought we were special.
Years ago, lying on our $8 green thrift-store couch, in that small white bungalow, I was in a dream world, as I had been and would be for a while longer.
Under the darkness of the night, eyes closed, red taillights in the distance, I went to this girl from my past and let her see the taillights and the reality of what would be. Together we laughed. We were living a child’s dream, a fantasy. Reality hadn’t hit yet. But when it did, it no longer hurt. Instead, it brought lightness to the situation.
I had been feeling sad and hurt by a false reality. If I had known then what I know and saw now, I wouldn’t have put so much on us, on him. I would have seen us for what we were, a moment in time. It was my belief in us and him and losing that that has hurt so much. But now I sit with my 21-year old-self and we see the taillights.
She, my past self, gets up off the couch and stops believing in being special, and instead decides to stop putting faith in a false reality. And through the disappointment, more laughing ensues. It’s not funny really. It’s the ridiculousness of it all.
We spend our lives as if each moment defines us, which makes us take each moment too seriously. What we believe now, we more than likely won’t believe in years to come. And who we put our faith in now may lead us to future disappointment. And who once loved us will one day love another.
I took us too seriously. I believed in us being forever. I believed the words that were said to me. I believed them deep down to my core. All the future choices and decisions I made were based on believing a false story. Because of this false belief, my core has been rocked to near destruction. Now though, it all makes sense.
Going back to my young self and allowing her to see the taillights getting smaller by the minute as he drove away, it’s as if she finally saw what she always knew to be real. And in that moment, she started approaching her life with a focus on herself, instead of on a false reality.
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Rebecca Mckown is an intuitive healer and spiritual mentor. Rebecca is passionate about helping people connect to their soul life and to live the life they are meant to live. Words are her fuel and her connection to Universal energy. Rebecca spends her days with her three kids, who have taught her the true meaning of beauty and love. She is also an Akashic records practitioner. Rebecca can be found at her website, Facebook or Instagram.
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