The Long, Slow (Almost) Death of My Ego.
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I spent most of my life feeling shy and overly disciplined, and believing the thoughts and opinions of others, so much so that I could not hear my distinct inner knowing.
After experiencing two major ruptures in my adulthood, it became clear that I was meant to live a life of my own making, off the beaten path.
I could not fathom at that time what a challenge this would be!
This untrodden pathway required me to hear and listen to my inner voice, to be seen, and to bring out more of my internal power.
And yet this was so against what I thought was possible and who I thought I was or could ever be!
All I knew was that I wanted to help people, to live the best life possible — on my own terms — and to feel alive.
What I kept finding myself thinking was, “How do I do this?”
As I look back now, the way I did it was by relying on my ego for the sheer will, power and determination to begin to create my vision.
In doing this, I took on the personas, attitudes and actions of successful people, whether or not they fully resonated with the deepest part of me.
I also tended to assume the stance of an authority instead of a co-creator, and many times I was coldly detached from my heart, thinking of the end result instead of how I felt during the beautiful creation of my desires.
My ego had me feeling high during times when all was going well. It also had me plummet when things did not seem to be working out or appeared to be taking too long, and especially when I compared myself to others.
I had inadvertently trained myself to be jealous when something good happened to anyone else, and I taught myself to look outside for approval, instead of inside, where all is right.
Mercifully, I roused myself from the ego-hijacking that was happening. I woke up as a result of fearlessly treading into the deep darkness of pain and trauma, both old and new. As I did this, I gracefully surrendered to the acknowledgment that the resultant pain was caused by me and only me — by my perceptions and by letting ego run the show.
In being willing to walk in this darkness, I was able to come to back to the light, more triumphantly than before.
As I danced with my ego, this is what I learned:
1. Not to Make It Wrong That I Created from Ego: At first it was harrowing to see how I’d let ego fuel me. I cracked inside when I realized I was being powered by my ego — it felt like a swift punch to the gut that reverberated ferociously. But there is leverage in the noticing, because then we get the chance to shift perception and focus. Only in that awareness can we see what’s happening and decide to change.
What sparked my metamorphosis was having the kindness to forgive myself for creating from ego. From that place, I could receive a change in perception.
I was then able to see that relying on ego to create something powerful when I’d never done anything like that before is similar to when I was a baby and used a chair or couch before I could walk on my own.
Ego is a support system, just like the chair or couch. Likewise, ego had me standing and not crawling. Until one day, like my baby self, I was walking freely of my own accord.
In the light of this awareness I received another gift: I had the capacity to now step into the role of Creator, which is a very different alternative to how ego usually shows up — as a victim.
In being a Creator, I know that making myself wrong will never have me recognize how powerful I am or to create what I most desire.
Activating the Creator within gives us access to the energy that reveals boundless possibilities.
When I’m a Creator, I can see ego as a (sometimes) helpful partner, and in that noticing, I remember who I really am (more on that in Number 3 below).
2. To Honor Ego as a Part of Me: My first inclination when I’ve stumbled upon something that I don’t like within me is to obliterate it! And this never works. The truth is, my ego will never die because, as my beloved coach reminds me, I am all things, including my beautiful ego.
If I push against and deny her, ego will rule, as I easily recall that often-quoted truth from C.G. Jung: “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”
And so I yielded to the fact that, yes, ego is and always will be a part of me. I broke through to realize she helped me begin this journey that I’m now joyously and satisfyingly creating, and I love her for it.
I just won’t allow her to be perpetually activated.
The more my awareness grows, the more I will see when ego is steering the ship and then switch to something higher.
3. To Wake up to Spirit: As I made my way on this road, I came right up against the knowledge that I’m a spiritual being having a human experience. This was not what I had in mind when I signed up for this route! At that time, I perceived being spiritual to mean being religious, and after my early education, I wanted none of that. Spirit, however, revealed something different from what I was taught.
I was not born a sinner. I was created pure, and I am a perfect manifestation of love.
Say what now?
To say it took some time to fully integrate this belief into my system is an understatement. My utter determination to feel the truth of this led me on one of the most transformational trips I will ever know.
And so, when I know that this is who I truly am, I can choose to be guided by my love and my heart.
The pure power to create my vision was always within me! And it’s love.
I came to know that love is beyond a feeling. It’s a way of being, a pathway for becoming, and it ignites life. It’s the power of the Universe.
Completely believing this about myself and love had it sharply dawn on me that every single one of us is a spiritual being having a human experience! No exceptions. No matter what our life looks like, what we’ve done, or how many successes we have or haven’t had.
This means we all have the inborn right and the choice to create and live fully and joyously from love.
4. To Surrender to the Constant Unfolding of Me: We are always changing, no matter what it might seem like on the outside. Even if we appear to be staying the same, it’s just that we are re-creating ourselves as the same being over and over again. Consciously creating ourselves will have us expand and know that more is always possible.
All that we have lived has prepared us for what is brilliantly unfolding, if we are so bold as to follow our unique pathway.
Faith really means going where life leads us, and trusting that no matter where we are, as we listen to our love, all will be well.
Ego might rear its head again as we ascend, but as we notice when that happens, we can acknowledge it kindly and bring our attention back to love.
I choose to live in and from the knowing that I am a powerful Creator, who builds unapologetically from her love.
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Lauren Malloy is certified coach, spiritual teacher of all relationships, poet, writer, and PSYCH-K® Facilitator for subconscious mindset change. She works with all those who are ready to create magic (whatever that means for them!) in their relationships with their partners, their purpose, life, and most importantly, themselves. She also co-leads workshops in NYC on Re-Aligning With Your Divine Masculine + Feminine, where you’ll experience how to turn on your life using the most essential ingredient: You. You can contact her via her website or email.
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