To My Past-Life Lover: Thank You, I Am Free.
{Photo credit: Claudia Antoci}
“It was you,” I say.
“Yes,” he replies. I open my eyes and the time is 2:33 am. At last, the answers and the clarity that I needed have come through and the truth has been revealed. For months on end, I prayed for it to come to light, for the memory of the dream was haunting me still, quite similar to how the pain of you haunted me for years, a pain I could never fully explain or understand… it made no sense to me.
Now I am free. Now I understand. Thank you.
The dream tells the story of a woman and a man, a love story you could call it, but really, it is a tale of sorrow, and an unfinished symphony.
In my dream, the woman wears a wedding dress, and she holds a gun in her hands so very tightly. It feels as if the man she loves betrayed her with another, and as the dream unfolds, I can feel the terror and the dread so strongly, I can feel the man’s fear and anguish as if my own.
To save his life, the man runs into the sea, and when the woman aims and fires a first time, the bullet doesn’t hit the intended target. It feels to me that a chance is presented that very moment, and that the woman is given an opportunity to choose the higher path. However, blinded by her pain and grief, she doesn’t realize it. She’s sunk too deep in the quicksand of her sorrow.
So again she aims and fires, and now the bullet strikes her lover dead.
The pain I’d known from you was like no other pain I’d known before, I’d never felt a pain as strong as the pain of you. So many nights I lay awake in bed unable to understand what was happening. Where did happiness go, and what wrong had I done to deserve this?
It made no sense that a connection not even burst from its bud, let alone brought to fruition, could cause so much suffering within me, and all it took was a single moment in time to suddenly find myself confronting great amounts of pain I didn’t even know existed. The experience tore my heart open, and the pain that surfaced asked to be resolved once and for all.
How beautiful that feels to me, now that I understand your gift and the gift of karma, which does not punish, I understand it now, but restores justice where justice is needed. Through the balancing out of karma, I woke up to my darkest wounds, and through feeling the pain of you, I was presented with my awakening.
Many, many moons ago, I too have died at the hands of another. A man in my dreams wrapped a white rope around my neck and followed through with execution while all around people stood and watched, some of whom I have met and am recognizing in this lifetime.
I died during times of oppression. In those times, it was very common for women who asserted themselves as healers to die at the hands of patriarchy and persecution. However, when the dream of my death revealed itself to me, I was spared feeling the anguish of my dying.
Yours I needed to feel in order to understand balancing acts and how karma is restored when we wrong another, for if there was ever any judgment upon me, it only came from my own self, and if someone punished me for my wrongdoing, it has only been I.
To have finally arrived at this moment in time where everything ties together in a fine web of past-life connections, karmic lessons, and many deaths and rebirths, feels to me a wonderful thing. Although pieces of the puzzle are still missing while memories keep coming back to me through dreams and vision, I know it will all come to light in divine timing.
When that happens, cycles would have completed and I will finally be able to close the door to the past and live out my mission here on earth as I am supposed to.
So thank you. Thank you for listening when I called out for answers, and for coming to me in my dreams to illuminate that it was you whose life I took and not the life of another, because when I dreamt, I was intentionally led to believe a half-truth. I was led to believe that I had taken the life of the one who embodies so much of what I admire about men because that was needed at the time.
But if I were to tell you why, I wouldn’t even know where to begin, because the hero’s journey, beautiful as it is, is one of many tests and trials and will test your faith numerous times.
The man I speak of, he’s my diamond in the rough, and while he doesn’t have your curly hair and is not one for newsboy caps, he’s so much of what complements my soul, and so much of him feels comforting to me. In many ways, you have been the catalyst to a divine connection and to a beautiful kind of love, a love that is meant to guide humanity and be a light in the world.
I am truly grateful for your part in my journey and for helping my soul grow, and I hope that you are happily married and will live a long life to get to know your children’s children and be a part of their journey. I wish you well.
Sigur Rós – Sæglópur from sigur rós on Vimeo.
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Claudia Antoci is a Yoga practitioner, a horror geek, and a peanut butter marathoner with an aversion to lavender. She likes writing from the heart, although as a content writer she does admit that if you’ve got the gift, you can write about onions and make it a work of art. And she also likes beer. A lot. Claudia studied history because she thought that’s how you learn about the world. Now she recognizes that true learning is the experience of oneself in the world, which hardly ever comes through formal education. And what she would really love to do in life is animal care, because she knows that animals have so much to offer and she believes that animals can teach us about being human. Overall, she is just trying to know her Self.
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