Why Am I Here? (For When I Forget to Remember)
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There is an invisible mark on every family tree, in each long line of lineage where a person says this ends and begins with me.
I am this person. I am here to heal the unconscious wounds of my DNA, to peel back every layer of ancestral trauma, everything I soaked up from the womb and before. I am here to break free of all my conditioning until I have nothing left but what I have built from scratch, based on my own conscious thoughts, values, feelings and beliefs.
I am here to be the family member who feels everything that ever got ignored, suppressed or went to the grave unhealed. My work here will heal those who came before me, and give freedom to those who will create history after me.
My soul decided to co-create with the infinite, a big bang in slow motion, and now I am here to be as heavy and as light as this. Billions of years of evolution have brought me to this very moment so I can make the story of my life something that is mine and only mine.
While it is up to me to construct the characters, choose the settings and live the plot, I also must surrender to everything outside of my control and recognize, while I do my bit, the rest is up to what is greater than me. I have come here to collaborate with this greatness and make fate into a verb.
I am here to take up a ton of space with my fiery voice, relentless spirit and raging heart. I am here to work the floor, own the room, and go on long drives without telling anyone where I am. I am here to get hopelessly tangled up in all of it, mess up badly, and be reckless until I’m not anymore. I’m here to scream and rage and suffer and break and heal. And break and heal again.
I am here to feel all that there is to be a human in the world.
It is up to me to commit to seeking pleasure and joy in this experience, to create my own comforts, to turn my face to the sun, travel far, listen to sad songs, stay up all night discussing the endlessness, find beautiful beaches, and fall in love with places and people, over and over.
My life’s work is to show up to my fears of existing in an unexplainable void, and to experience how powerful it is to thrive in an unknown infinity. I am here to commit to my passions, doing my best work in my art and relationships, and to recognize these are all the same things. It is up to me to embrace the knowing that while art is subjective, there is nothing that isn’t art.
Who will I be in the face of all that is? How will I choose to be here? What will I make of all that I am? These are the big questions I am here to ask, every chance I get. And I am here to learn how to lay these questions down and accept the only answers I ever get are the ones I create for myself, with the actions I take in my life. I am here to keep finding the place within me, where there are no questions, only answers.
I recognize it is up to me and only me to keep challenging my own beliefs, the ones I have acquired and the ones I have cultivated. My work is to walk into the fire of my evolution, to burn away anything I no longer am. And then do it again. And again. And keep doing it, over and over, sculpting myself from the ashes of what I used to be, until my final return to dust.
Feeding my insatiable desire for the unexplainable and accepting the mystery with grace is my why. To recognize the glory in the mystery is my how. I am a walking manifestation of the unknown in which there is both nothing and everything to solve. This is my who. The what is every single blessed breath. Where and when are interchangeable and always completely accessible to me, wherever I am.
I am here to love hard and fiercely, to grasp the great paradox that love both hurts and heals at the same time, because like everything that is here and now, it will be gone soon.
Everything on this worldly plane has an end date, and I am here to appreciate this lifetime is always-almost-ending, to accept with gratitude what is not yet gone. Everything is a line in the sand that will eventually be washed away. My work is to be inspired by the fleetingness of all things, to see infinite possibility in a limited reality.
I have come here to worship Mother Earth, to bear witness to her art, to stare at the sky and see the perfect attention to detail of every sunrise and sunset.
It is up to me to connect my own dots in the stars, to always find my way to the shore. I am here to dive into the deepest, darkest seas of my feelings and come up for air to play in the shallows. I am here to stand in the waves, unmoved, always looking towards the horizon.
Challenging concepts of wrong and right is always up to me. To keep learning there are no wrong choices, only decisions that define destiny, and that fate is fluid, always changing. Mistakes are narrative constructs, and they are not real. My work is simply to live in and through every experience, however they are presented.
I am here to have a vivid and connected inner life, to create things that never existed before me and could never exist without me. I am here to pull the tarot cards and call the spirits and say the prayers and do the ceremonies with witchy things like crystals and salt and candles. I am here to explore my psychic abilities and walk the realms.
I am here to be here and everywhere, to journey into my karma, to other planes of reality, to all the lives I am living in places with no time or space. To know I am not bound to this lifetime, but always choose to return to it.
There are endless opportunities to create and destroy myself, in order to recreate, always, the best version of me. I am here to recognize this work isn’t easy and to give myself a break. I am here to get my hands dirty and then to wash them clean, again and again, respecting this is a life-long process, usually more dirty than clean.
I am here in service, to be a breathing, aching, yearning example showing that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay to want what you want. It’s okay to be complicated and messy and feel conflicting, chaotic things that seem displaced in a system designed against emotional magnitude. It’s okay to be sensitive and empathetic and feel everything. It’s okay to be where you are, who you are, how you are.
It’s okay to want to change, to be different, and it’s okay to just be.
I am here to inspire, to meet others where they are, where I am, in whatever state of okay or not-okayness, to say, here we are and we won’t always be. I am here to hold the space sometimes and take it up other times. I am here to meet my soul sisters and soul mates and to stretch my arms wide, holding all the loves I have lost and found across the globe, all at once
I am here to forget nothing and keep all my love stories close, to read every tale through a moral of growth and heart expansion, as defining factors in who I am and who I will become.
I am here to be my own muse. I will never run out of material if I keep choosing to explore the inner workings of my being.
There are no things that do not serve me, and I must learn what to do with the uncomfortable, the unwanted, the unjust. I am here to walk away, to move on, to leave, and to ultimately learn how to stay. I am here to perfect the art of saying this is not how the story ends and to change, to be unafraid of becoming the next version of myself. And then the next.
I am here to give a million fucks and more, to care, to nurture, to be present and useful. I am here to use my voice to call out injustice, and to share all that I have been blessed to learn. Everything I do ripples through karmic eternity. I am here to take responsibility for all my actions, knowing none of my efforts are ever wasted. My intentions are everything. Nothing is for nothing. There is no end.
It’s my turn to be the Buddha, my own god, to inspire holiness and to bear witness, to quietly watch from the vantage point of my own soul, seeing myself have this earthly experience.
I am here to honor what brought me here, to constantly align with all that is, to use this power to create, always, in love.
I am here to return, again and again, to the calls of my spirit, my infinite higher self. To recognize that while my breath makes me human, my soul makes me otherworldly. I am here to take a really long walk all the way to the edge, to make the present moment my until-death-do-us-part. And then keep going.
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Jennifer Chardon is fascinated with creating answers to unanswerable questions. She is currently at work on a novel, If I Ever Write A Book, It Will Be About You. The title will probably change. Jennifer has spent much of the last decade backpacking, journaling, and staying up late. She lives in Hawaii, and spends a lot of time staring directly at the sun. Find her in the void here.
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